Out of Touch

Well, before I get into my life, I want to show you the hat I made. It is my first crocheted hat!! I absolutely love it, and I have started on another one already. It is not quite as fast as looming, but I love having options.

So, for the past little while after my monstrous announcement, (yes, I said monstrous because that is how I feel about it right about now, haha) I have pretty much shut myself out of the world. Not completely. I am still answering my phone and venturing to my sister's house, which has become my bat cave, but I just have soooo much to do and think about. I set the hopeful date for our wedding. It is September 5th this year! I have already secured the church for that day, but I have not secured the reception location. I have also not even looked at my looming guest list. I don't know why. I am such a list maker, but for some reason, I absolutely do not want to look at this list. I think it has something to do with my not wanting to be the center of attention.

I am feeling super depressed about something else, too. In every picture I have been in in the past few months, I look so huge and droopy. I have a big gut, big hips, double chin and constant frown. Why do I look so sad every time I am just standing somewhere. Why couldn't I have been given one of those faces that made my mouth always look upturned instead of downturned?! I am just hating the way I look right now. I do have a gym membership, but I am only making it there about three times a week. It just doesn't feel like enough, like I'm working my muscles enough at all. My skin is so oily, too. I cannnnnoooooot get rid of the stupid black heads!!! Any suggestions?! I have had this problem since puberty set in at the ripe age of 10!

School is alright, but it sucks. That makes sense, right? I really despise school, and I can't figure out why. I need counseling. I can't believe Big T even considered proposing to me!

Onto yet another wedding related issue. The honeymoon! My wonderful, blessed, (God, is there any way to thank her properly for helping me not go even more nuts?!) friend/wedding planner politely mentioned that if we had any intention of leaving the country, we needed to get our passports now. At first, I scoffed at her. Me? Leaving the country? Please...There is no way that that could... I mean it would be so nice... Oh, how beautiful Ireland would be... And our rings are from there... So there you have it. My poor, sappy heart was pondering the idea of going to Ireland for two weeks for my honeymoon. I mean, we would have the time, but the money... We don't have that part. Big T has a great relationship with his bank, though, and he wanted to see about getting a personal loan to go. I thought it was a great idea until my sister (absolutely not trying to burst our bubble, but very wisely) was hesitant about the idea. I knew she would be, so I was really trying not to tell her what we wanted to do until like the day we left. I just couldn't keep it from her, though.

She went on to tell me that we should really be planning for the future and focusing on getting a down payment for a house or something. Both Big T and I were sooo sad. We both know she is right, but we thought we could live in our college kid dream world for awhile. :) Today, Big T is going to the bank to find out how much we could pre-qualify for a home loan. In a way, I am very excited at the prospect of getting my very own house, to decorate and paint however I want. On the other hand, I am terrified, yet again. I still don't feel adult enough to have my own house. Plus, we would need money for appliances, paint, fixing supplies, and biggest worry of all, TAXES! How do people do it? How do people move out of apartments?

Also, I had said earlier, I wanted to have children. I won't be surprised if we have a baby soon after we're married, a year or two after. However, there are huge expenses there, too. How do people have children? How do they even come to the decision to have kids? Diapers, food after breastfeeding is over, a rocking chair that I desperately want, bras, shirts that allow me to not have to expose my whole rotten belly to the world just to feed my baby, clothes, and everything else I have forgotten. I need a new car if I am going to have a baby at some point.

So proposal, crazy planning, marriage....fun stuff.... more crazy planning, possibly buying a house, fixing things that need fixed, getting appliances, stupid packing, stupid moving, getting settled, possible pregnancy, crazy planning, craziness, why did I think I should be pregnant, in a house I am trying to own while being married, who said I should grow up? I hate that person! possible...HA....birth....and then I am doomed to craziness for the rest of my life, though it will be such a short life because I will snap at some point. Again, how do people do this stuff, and why do we decide to do this to ourselves? Don't we have any wish of self-preservation? Oh! And did I mention, through all of this craziness, I pulled out my hair only on half of my head, and it won't grow back, and I gained 300 lbs!!

Goodbye and good day!

P.S. Just in case you didn't catch on, none of that last part really happened yet. It will though. You just watch. I am very happy about getting married, though, just very nervous. I wish my mom was here to tell me how crazy I am.

Da Da Da Duhhhh!!!!

I have finished my very first sock ever! I tried my luck at knitting and failed! However, I had crocheted before, and now I will continue to crochet much more. I am so excited to have made a sock, but I still have 19 and a 1/2 pairs left to do, give or take. I'm making them for the whole family! I thought this would be cheaper to do since I am broke for the holidays, but it turns out, it really isn't! Ha! It's really ok, though. If I buy my pieces a little at a time, it is less painful, and my family will hopefully cherish these babies at least until winter is over.

My weekend was different than they have been for awhile. I spent some much needed time with my sister! We went to a holiday craft show, and I saw so much creativity. It was really amazing to have so many crafty people all in a HUGE building like that, and I got a few ideas for things I would like to try. I also saw my brother this weekend, my older one. We watched the Bears' game together with our significant others and his significant others' mom. We had chili and roast afterward. It was a nice little get together.

I was all hyped up about going to the parade and the romance of it all, but I think somehow I knew I wouldn't go. Big T was finally almost not sick, and my sister also stayed home. I just stayed at her house for a while and worked on my wonderful sock. I am sad that I didn't get to cuddle up with Big T, but he was still a little sick, anyway. Can't have that! haha

Hope you all had as cozy a weekend as I!

Oh Happy Days!!

Today was one of the most fantastic days of my life! It has been a long time since I felt so ecstatic. First of all, my morning started off very nice. Big T rolled over at 6am this morning, when his alarm went off for work, put his arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. I said, "Hmmm...Let's just stay like this aaallll day." Of course, his first response was, "I have some sick time." :) Anyway, I had classes today, so, obviously, I couldn't stay home all day. He however, did choose to stay home, and he cleaned!!! Our bedroom was a complete disaster. If I had a before picture, I would shamefully show you all just to show you how much work he did to clean it back up. Now, many of you may think that the mess was his fault, and that is why he was going to clean it. Oh no! This story gets even better. The mess in the bedroom is MY FAULT! I know that is terrible, but my philosophy has always been, "I can avoid my bedroom and shut the door." I always worry about the rest of my house before I worry about my bedroom. Then, it gets to the point where you can no longer see the floor, and you begin to wonder if it ever really existed, or if it was just a figment of your imagination. You are probably appalled, but I am just trying to be honest. I really want to exalt how much work Big T really did and how much I truly appreciate it. The bed is made and Febreezed (I swear by the stuff, and he remembered!). The floor really, truly does exist, and my clothes are stacked for me to put in my closet. My shoes are even all placed back in the shoe hanger in the closet. I know you ladies are all thinking, "What a man!!" I have to wholeheartedly agree. He is a very special breed, a needle in a haystack, if you will, and I cherish him! ;)

Now onto another topic. I VOTED today!! I am a woman. I am 19 years old, and IIIIII VOTED! I learned about women being able to vote and how recent a right it is, but when I learned it in school, it just didn't pack a punch. However, today, when I walked through those doors and saw women sitting handing out ballots, a woman in front of me filling out the application for her ballot, and some elderly women in the other line waiting to get their ballots, I was filled with a feeling of complete triumph. I had no idea what I was doing. I walked in with my voter registration card, not knowing if I needed it to vote. After I filled my application for a ballot out, I was ready to head over to the little closet thing to vote. I had envisioned the little hole poking things I heard about when I was little, nervous about a "hanging Chad." It turns out, we are slightly more advanced now, and we fill them out with a felt tip black marker, somewhat like taking a test. That increased the stakes a little for me. My mind was racing. "What if I fill in the wrong bubble? This is my very first ballot ever. I can't mess it up. What would that say about me as an American (with the word "American" booming in loud speakers, HA!)?" I did fill out my ballot, perfectly, if I do say so myself. Then I made three attempts to slide it into the black mechanical box before I finally got it to go. It was so fast. I mean, that box just ate up my very first ballot. My decision is forever set in stone. I handed in my black felt tip marker, thanked the ladies for their help, said hello to a man I knew, and walked out to my car, where I was overcome with the desire to send a mass text message to all the women in my life to tell them about my very important voting venture. All before 9 am and my morning coffee, AMAZING! To be a woman...all those years I complained. ;)

So of course, my school day was already set up to be fantastic. God was full of good blessings for me today! I went to my Psychology of Child Development class this morning and enjoyed a good discussion. Afterward, I went to my professor's office hours and talked to her about work I had been missing, only to realize I was only missing one thing. That was great! I then talked to her about taking a break from school, as I had said I wanted to do in one of my first blogs. She had much to say, and I valued her opinion. Overall, she wanted me to follow my heart. If that includes school or not, she said, was something I would have to learn. I then went to my Latin American class and thought about my decision. After that, I decided to go back to the academic adviser I had spoken to last week. I withdrew from my speech class, and I am now officially a part time student. I already feel more relaxed, though I am nervous for change and what it will bring for me. I am so ready to take a dive and experience life, though. I am ready to see what I want out of life, what I have to offer. I am going to contact a lady with the food bank close to my hometown. They are starting up a project in December or February that I would love to be apart of. I have a lot of hopes for my time off. I haven't yet decided if I will take a full break or if I will just take one or two classes that go along with helping people, service learning classes, psych classes or sociology classes. I am so ready to try something new for awhile and follow a schedule that is designed for me, not just a schedule that will get me out of school faster or to a degree faster. I want to enjoy my life along the way, not get to the degree and realize my life was a blur. We are never guaranteed tomorrow, so today is the best time to embrace life.

Finally, as sort of a kick off to my new freedoms and enjoying life, I have made a new necklace and finished the scarf I was working on to donate to needy children. I haven't had time to make any jewelery for myself for awhile, and I certainly can't afford to buy any. It was a nice reward, and finishing the scarf and envisioning some child wearing it to keep their little neck warm is a huge highlight! I am sure you have all had way more than enough of my glee, but I just wanted to share the joy. It has been such a long time since I had so much happiness to report, and I know, if any of you are like me, if you are having a bad day, you are ready to choke me for being so happy. Just come back and read this when you are happier, and it will mean more. HA!