I am going to fix my own craziness!

After what feels like numerous meltdowns recently, I have decided to try this herbal supplement. It is supposed to be something like an herbal supplement for depression medicine. I can't focus to save my life. My homework is piling up. Whenever I have spare time, the first thing I want to do is work on my crochet stuff instead of my homework, and I feel very impulsive and compulsive when it comes to what I want to do versus what I should do. Because of my lack of health insurance for the time being, I am going to give this a shot. I know others who take it and say it works wonders for them. I have tried it previously, but it says on the bottle to take it three times a day. I was only taking it once a day before.

So far today, I have been calm enough to make a "To Do..." list. On that list, I noted that I needed to pay the bills. Now, I am going to spill my guts here and possibly mortify myself, but my bills were two weeks late. Two weeks! Now, this is not so much an issue except for the fact that I actually had the money to pay them. The money was sitting in my checking account waiting to be doled out for the past two and a half weeks. However, I simply did not feel "up to" paying the bills. How ridiculous is that?! I even paid the late fees today when I managed to pay my electric bill, water bill, cable bill, shut off the cable and Internet, and transfer my car insurance to the truck that Big T and I are now sharing and also put his name on the insurance so he is covered when driving.

*Just a side note about my insurance company. My insurance agent was very sweet. Instead of giving us a new quote for insurance on the truck, she simply replaced the VIN of the car with the VIN of the truck. My rate isn't going to change at all even though they are now covering both of us and also covering an older, larger vehicle. Also, Big T has a few speeding tickets that haven't fallen off his record yet, and men are more expensive to insure. I, not being so apt to change, am very happy about this. :o)

Now, I know this could all be the placebo affect or it could be attributed to the fact that I am actually at work today instead of sitting at home, but those are all things that needed to be done for at least week or more. I have continuously put them off telling myself I would just get to it some other time, that I just couldn't do it today. I was also able to finish up the budgets for March, balance my checking account and balance my savings account this morning. I really do hope this emotional balance will stick around for awhile. Right now, I am actually feeling ready to do my homework.

P.S. To any of you other Ghost Hunter's fans out there, Ghost Hunter's International ended last week for the season, and Ghost Hunter's (the original) is premiering for a new season tonight!! You can guarantee that is enough incentive to get my class work done in time to watch it! I just can't wait. I haven't seen Jay and Grant hunt ghosts in months! Welcome back Jay and Grant. :)

Coffee and Biscotti

My coffee and biscotti are taking me to a very happy place right now. I put some CoffeeMate Pumpkin Spice creamer in my coffee this morning, actually about 20 minutes ago. Someone had placed some biscotti in our snacks behind the teller line, so I decided it was high time I tried some. I think it was supposed to be a carrot cake flavor. It was sooo yummy with my Pumpkin Spice coffee. However, today is really just turning out to be a blue day.



We got lots of snow last night, more than the flurries they were predicting. Last night, Big T went to hang out with a friend, but my car was dead after work because I left my lights on. It's times like that that I wish I had a new car instead of my 94' Olds. He was already out of town and couldn't jump it, and I didn't have any plans other than doing homework and budgeting. I just hitched a ride from a lady I worked with. Low and behold, when Big T went to start it, it started right up. I thought it loved me. I thought we shared a special bond. Big T is the one who hates it. Whatever...



I started to work on homework last night, even reading my chapter out loud, enthusiastically. After about four pages, even my enthusiastic voice couldn't make genetics interesting. We are learning about how babies are made in my Child Psych class, and I feel like I have heard about genes, genomes, zygotes, and chromosomes more times than any person should ever hear about them in their life. It just bores me to tears. I am much more an environmentalist than a biologist in terms of the nature-nurture controversy. That is not to say that I think nurture is solely in control of our behaviors, but it is my attempt at saying the nature half of the nature-nurture controversy bores the life out of me. I am interested in people's lives, not the blood coursing through them. This is why I am struggling with my Psychology major. I simply want to interact with people and learn about them without having any responsibility to understand their genetic predispositions. I don't like the science part.



Anyway, if you didn't catch on up there, I eventually got insanely distracted from doing my homework and ended up surfing the internet and listening to music. I was searching some of my favorite Christian female artists as well as some of my favorite non-Christian female artists, artists such as Barlowgirl, Superchick, Fly Leaf, and Paramore. I would turn the music on my computer up as loud as it would go and belt out with it. I'm sure my neighbors got an earful, but no one complained. A few of my neighbors are too old to hear me anyway.



As the night went on, the guilt grew, so I would take my book and notebook back in my lap and read a few more paragraphs until I felt like I couldn't stand it anymore. By the end of the night, I was wearing a full guilt suit and feeling all the affects of depression anxiety. When I laid down to go to bed, I started to think about my mom and all of a sudden, I had a rush of terrible memories from the day she died. I realized, I don't know if my brother rode in the ambulance with her or if he went with my sister. Also, I don't know who called my older brother, M. There were lapses in my memory because of the things I didn't know, and I felt very anxious about that. I wanted to know every detail because somehow I think that will help me to not hurt so bad every time I have these flashbacks. I wish I knew what was going through everyone's head as we all sat in the room some odd feet away from where our mother, daughter, and friend was dying. I wish I had gotten one last insightful conversation with her. Even though I did say goodbye, I don't feel that it was finalized because she never said it back. I feel like I am still hanging on to loose ends and I will never get the closure I need.



This morning, I laid in bed until 45 minutes before I had to be at work. I was emotionally exhausted, and my dreams last night did not help me at all. I really don't want to go into that, though. I got up and wet my hair down because I wasn't in the mood to take a shower. My poor hair has no curl, but it's not straight either. It is just body and fluff with some hairspray and a bobby pin to keep it out of my face. I have a stain on my shirt, which brings me down to three work shirts I can actually wear. I couldn't find my name tag in my purse where it was supposed to be, so I made a name tag for myself in case I would happen to get a mystery shopper. I wouldn't want to get marked off for something petty like not wearing my stupid name tag.



When I got to work, my boss said she needed to talk to us and that no one had done anything wrong. Her tone didn't exactly seem excited, though, so we knew something was wrong, even if we weren't in trouble. Well, when she did talk to us, she told us that two of the management positions in another banking center of ours had been eliminated, which means the two people that filled those positions were let go with no notice. They had both been there for quite awhile, but one woman had spent 43 years in this bank. Basically her whole working life was spent here, and they just let her go. Then they try to pull the wool over our eyes by saying that right now they have to make some tough decisions and that every decision is made with the benefit of the customer in mind. Well, not only do I work there, but I am a customer there, too. I don't see how sacrificing a woman's entire working career is going to help me as a customer. It's like they don't appreciate her at all, and I can't imagine how she feels if I feel this bad for her. My boss says she is not worried about our banking center because we are all part time and are not necessarily costing the bank enough money to employ that they would feel the need to eliminate any of our positions. If they can get rid of someone that put in so much more time than me without a care, though, I don't have high hopes for my future in this business. I just get so sick of them trying to cover their corrupt tails by saying it is all for the good of the customer when you know full well they are still pocketing all of their bonuses for the work they pretend to do. It's ridiculous.

So that is my day to thus point. I still don't have my tax money, which is very frustrating because my bills are already late. Big T got his refund in his bank account in nine days. It has been ten days so far for me, and tomorrow will be eleven. It better be here tomorrow, or there will be some IRS agents that will have a restraining order against me. Just get it done! ;) I hope the rest of you are having less sadness and anxiety than I am. Enjoy the up days.

It's that time again!!

If any of you are wondering what that time may be, it is mental breakdown time!! I am going to vent here, and I apologize for the whining, but every time I try to vent to Big T he cuts me off saying, "I get it! I understand what you are saying." He sounds all exasperated every time I try to rant about something like he is just going to implode if he has to hear another word of it, and I am sick of it!!! Conflict happens and you CANNOT avoid it all your life just because your parents pretended everything was cherries and sugar your whole life! OK, so now that I have gotten that out, I am ready to tell you all about my procrastination disease and where it has landed me now.

You would think that after so many years of procrastinating large projects, the projects might start to get smaller, but that would make sense. My brain does not make sense! Just the other day in fact, my brother gave me a five dollar bill to pick something up at the store for him. I took the five dollar bill and set it on top of my cell phone knowing that I would go to leave and pick up my cell phone and the five dollar bill at once and not forget either. I could have just as easily put the five dollar bill in my purse so as not to lose it, but if I had done that, I would have forgotten that my brother needed something at the store. The five dollar bill was a reminder to me that I needed to pick something up. Well, Big T thought he would be cute to say, "Hey, I found five dollars!" Low and behold, it threw off the whole process I had already planned out in my head, and I still don't know where that five dollar bill is. I don't even remember taking it away from him. I know I did, and I set it back down on the end table. Everything after that is a blur, all because someone interrupted my process. It's ridiculous and it gets very aggravating because I can not control it. Anyway, I have gotten completely away from where I was going.

This year, I am making Christmas presents. My first plan was to crochet socks for everyone and make pajama pants. So far, the easiest part was buying all the supplies. Actually using them has been the issue. I have one pair of socks done out of about 16. People will still get their socks, but they won't get them for Christmas by any means. The pajama pants WILL be done. I spent the last two days cutting out material for those pants. My feet were throbbing, my back is all twisted in knots, and they will be getting done. Well, somehow between my house and my sister's house, the foot on the sewing machine, the little metal piece that holds the fabric down under the needle, has gone missing. My brother carried it from my sister's house to my house. Then Big T set it up for me and plugged it in, so until this morning when I was all ready to start sewing before work, I had not laid hands on this sewing machine. As soon as I go to put the fabric in, I notice there is no foot. I searched the house high and low, retraced my brother's steps to and from the car, and even searched in my car. There is no foot anywhere, not to mention that it is insanely small, so I probably wouldn't find it anyway!! At this point, I was already ready to rip my hair out. All I can think is, "It was not supposed to be like this! Christmas is not supposed to be a mess and stressful! I am supposed to have gifts to give!" Slowly, I am breaking down.

Well, I go to the only store in our small town, yes the same small town I claimed to love just days ago, and they do not carry any sewing machine replacement parts, though they do carry sewing machines and all the accessories. Dumb, right?! So, I grab some wrapping paper because cardboard boxes with a picture on them are insanely priced, and I leave there in a huff. I call my sister to tell her of my woes, and because it is her sewing machine, I think she was just as mad as I was that someone was irresponsible with her sewing machine. Eventually, my sister told me there was another different kind of foot. I put that one in, but I am still having an issue because the bobbin thread keeps catching up and pulling the needle. I know how to sew! I am getting very frustrated because nothing is working!! Even the foot petal wants to give me issues. It only wants to go on high speed.

Anyway, I still have high hopes that I will get the pants done, even though I had to cut the seam out of Big T's pants twice during my lunch break because of the bobbin thread coming out in globs. I don't know how to replace bobbin thread, either. This is all becoming such an issue! Now, of course, the entire county is covered in ice again, a very thick ice. I swear the heat from my anger will melt it tomorrow if I can't get to my sister's house for Christmas, especially if I stay up all night getting those damned pants done. I even broke my only ice scraper trying to get half an inch of ice off my windows. Christmas should be warm and fuzzy, not induce feelings of intense rage!

I could very well lose my mind!

My house is a wreck.
There are blankets piling up in my living room.
The yarn is overtaking me, a constant damned reminder that I can't do anything with it.
The dishes are piled high to the sky, and for some reason they smell like peppers?!
There is a sick, puking man in my house who has been out of work for two days with the flu.
He has to take a week off for Thanksgiving because the plant is shutting down, and he used all his vacation days for "fun," taking off days whenever he just ehhhh....didn't feel like going in.
He doesn't have the sick time to cover all of these days off, so we are just pulling money out our asses now, right?!
He must know of some miracle drug to make him not care about anything, but for the sake of our relationship and the fact that he has been puking since 1am, I am not yelling at him!
My bedroom is a mess, again.
My clothes look like they exploded because when I can't find something, I just get pissed and dump it all out on the floor.
The sheet is ripped off the bed at night because SOMEONE can't learn how to stop pulling it off when they sleep.
Not to mention our mattress is practically an ugly brown color now, though when we bought it it was white!
I have another huge exam today, and guess what guys, IT'S NOT FINISHED!!!!!
Oh, you know, somewhere between taking care of a sick man, learning to knit and getting very frustrated with that, and being sick with all of this garbage going on in my head, the exam just didn't seem so important!
I can't breathe through my nose.
I got some freaking allergy medicine, but I didn't take it until last night, so it won't kick in until practically tomorrow.
Don't even tell me about my run on sentence!!!!
My brain can't handle any more.
I have been so happy for so long, visiting my family, hanging out with friends, cleaning up little messes.
Where did it all go wrong?
How did I get back in this funk?
When did my house become a complete disaster?
I just want to avoid it because I DID NOT CREATE THIS MESS!

My dream last night was strange, too. I was hanging out with this rich family, you know the ones that drawl every word they say. Well, they started to really piss me off, so I started to trip them and cut them off. Finally I convinced them to just stop acting like jerks, and we all piled into a little SUV to go change their lives and make them look and act like normal people. Well, I don't know what happened to the parents, because the dad decided he couldn't handle it, and he needed to go back to work, and myself and a girl and a guy ended up in a trashy, hick store selling crappy electric guitars. We wore wigs with no backs on them, and we were afraid to walk away from anyone because they would see that we were wearing wigs. We had to wear them, though, because this store required you to be a certain age (God knows what) to go in. In the end, we had no money, and I really wanted to buy a guitar, but I had to prove to the owner that I was18, so I flashed him. Turns out, all his guitars really were crap, but all of a sudden, I was trying to by a guitar with my big brother and Big T. They had seen the whole flashing incident, and their only worry was whether or not he was selling (giving me, actually, because my boobs had payed the price) a crappy guitar. Well, none of them would fit, they were all oddly shaped with awful strings, falling apart and made of plastic. I couldn't even play guitar either! How dumb is that because I CAN play guitar?

I think this dream is revealing my fear of being incompetent enough to keep my house clean, learn new songs, learn to knit socks, and do my homework. You'll notice there was nothing about work in that dream, because so far, my workplace is my escape from the real world. I go there, interact with people and really enjoy it. The wig with the no backs is revealing my fear that people are seeing right through me and I am not wearing my worries very well.

On top of allllllll of that, I found myself so angry yesterday. I am angry again, much like I was this time last year, that time is pulling me further away from my mother. I want my mom! I am nineteen years old, and I am losing my mind over adult stuff, and it just isn't fair! I am sick of having to worry about my house being a disaster, my dishes piling up, not being able to have people over because the house is too disgusting, not getting homework done because I am too distracted with everything else...I can't even tell my mom any of this. I can't even go running to her house for a few days, to stay with her and feel like a kid again. I am stuck in this stupid world of feeling like a kid and being stuck with adult responsibilities. I just want to be a kid for awhile!! These are all just very crucial times when I need to be able to cry to my mom and tell her how hard the world is and how much it sucks, and she will tell me "I told you so, you never should have moved out." and I would look at her and roll my eyes and say, "I wanted to move out, though. I'm not so unhappy that I would want to move back home permanently." She would do her classic smile, and if I didn't know what I know now, I would never realize that she had just taught me a lesson without teaching me my lesson. That's how she always did it with me. She knew that telling me, "I told you so." pushed my buttons to no end and would make me realize that I wanted whatever it was that I wanted and I would get back up on my horse, but she never actually told me I was wrong. She had a special knack for letting me realize it on my own. At my job they call that "helping the customer to save face," basically not embarrassing them in front of everyone, letting them realize their own mistake without making them feel like a fool.

Well, all, my rant is over. Congratulations for reading to the end! Why don't you go have a cookie and some milk and pretend you are a kid again... ;)