Lately, I have been hearing lots of stories of loss, and it is really weighing on my heart. I realize that people die every day, but some of those people got the chance to live long, healthy lives. Sometimes, those people got to say goodbye to their loved ones. Sometimes, those people had their affairs in order, and sometimes the loss of those people was not unexpected or sudden. In all the cases in which those things are not true, there is so much more unfair pain. It is just truly painful to lose someone you love so quickly. I know in some of my blogs recently, I have been sharing with you all some of the desires of my heart, some of my desires to get married and have children of my own. Recently, though, I have been reminded of infant fatalities and people losing their babies. I know I have never experienced motherhood or pregnancy for that matter, but my heart strings are really pulled at the thought of losing a baby. I want a baby so badly, and I at least have the understanding of that desire to have a baby, that I can only imagine how crushed I would be if something happened to my precious baby, the baby that I wanted so much. Along with that, I am also reminded of how many women can not have babies. That too is heart wrenching. I cannot imagine, and I hope I never will have to experience having my desire to have a baby of my own crushed. I have an immense desire to be some one's mother, to hold their hand as they learn to walk, to coddle them when they cry out in pain, to kiss their scrapes when they fall, and even to become utterly frustrated with them when they hate me as teenagers, just so long as I get to live long enough to see them grow and mature into adults, knowing what a large part I played in creating them.I have not only been reminded of losing infants. I have been reminded of losing mothers, fathers, friends and siblings. Sometimes in my life, when I have not consciously thought of my mom and the loss I experienced, God discreetly begins to remind me that it is OK to think about how much I miss her. I love that I can be a shoulder to cry on for so many others that lose their loved ones, and I love that I can let other people know they are not alone. That does not mean that I should forget my own pains. In my own ideal dream world, everyone would get to live a long, healthy, prosperous life. They would get to know God and know their place in Heaven is secured. Then, when their life has been lived to the max, they could pass peacefully into another state of being with their Father. Their family could all be around them, and that person would remain conscious and alive until every family member that needed to be there had the opportunity to be there and say goodbye. That person could pass on their advice and love to those they cared for, and there would be no pain in dying. We could then celebrate this person's wonderful, healthy life and continue in our own lives knowing we would see them again soon.I do apologize if I have stirred up sadness in any of your hearts, but I want to remind all of you to allow yourselves to feel the pain when it needs to be felt. Please do not ignore it and expect it to go dormant. My heart goes out to you all, and please remember that you are not alone.
It's funny the way the events of another person's life affect us emotionally. A lady I work with is losing her mom today. In the time that I have worked in my hometown, only about 8 months, this will be the second co-worker that will lose her mother. The first woman was my manager. She didn't ever get too emotional about it at work, and I didn't know if her mom had been sick or just elderly. I felt for her, knowing what it was like to wake up and need to call your mom only to realize you couldn't, but I didn't break down. However, today, it was agonizing, and still is, though I have had a good cry to help clear it out a little.
My co-workers mom has had Alzheimer's for quite awhile, and the family had been told she probably wouldn't make it through the rest of the week. She said she woke up every hour throughout the night last night sure she was going to be getting that dreaded phone call. She didn't get it in the night, though. She got it at work today. The family was told to assemble and say goodbye. I remember getting the phone call. I remember the utter panic, the tear at my heart. Do I tell her it is all right for her to leave me or do I freak and beg her to stay? My heart answered that for me, though my brain was telling me I was throwing myself to the wolves. I told her it was ok, and it shattered my heart and soul. After she died, the guilt rose up in me every single day for months on end. What if? It was terrible.
My co-worker said it was like losing her mom twice. She lost her once when her mom forgot who she was, and now, she is losing her again. This time, she won't be able to go back and visit a woman who doesn't have a clue who she is, but still means the world to her. The finality is almost the worst part, wondering how you are going to go on with your life, what it will be like not to see them anymore. She told me that just because she was older didn't make it easier, and I told her I knew. Just because her mom was sick didn't make it easier, and I knew.
We want our mommies to live forever, to always be our superheroes, to always drive us crazy, to always smile at us warmly and accept us no matter what crazy mistake we had made. No one in the world loves you like your mom does. No one knows you like your mom does. I felt like a piece of me had gone with her when she died, and I was helpless to retrieve it. I don't want any of you to feel as though I haven't been able to move on in my life, though it has only been a little over a year. I have, but there will always be things in life that bring it back to me.
It is a terrible thing to lose a mother, whether or not she can even remember who you are. You remember who she is, and you always remember how much you loved her and she, you. Please keep this woman in your thoughts. Right now, she is no longer a grown woman, but a little girl again, wishing she could make it all go away.
