9 Days in Counting

...And this day is proving to be an especially hard one. For a swift moment in time, I allowed myself to peek into my hidden anxiety, and I have to say I am very sad.

My wedding is in 9 days. In 9 days I will be a 20 year old wife. In nine days I will be starting in on a whole new life, a secure life. In nine days I will be promising to love and cherish someone for the rest of my life. And in 9 days, my mom will still not be here.

Today, at work, I talked to my boss because I have been having bouts of dizzy spells for the past three days, ridiculous dizzy spells. It never really set in that this was my wedding I'm planning because I never let it set in, but as the days draw nearer, I am realizing that is my dress in the closet, those are my flowers, my shoes, my candles, my table cloths. All of it is mine for my wedding. I keep pushing those thoughts under the rug as soon as they settle in though, and when I told my boss about the dizzy spells, informing him that I do have sinus problems, though I'm not feeling much right now, he asked me about stress and anxiety...

Stress and anxiety? I chewed on that for about 30 seconds before I apprehensively admitted to having them both. In that same moment, I realized I have been refusing to think about this wedding as my own for one reason. If I dwell on the fact that this is my wedding, it will eventually lead into the thought that my mom is gone. Somewhere along the line, I refused to associate my wedding with my mom's death because I want the day to be happy. It doesn't help that my mom's death anniversary is two weeks away from the wedding and that this is only the second year since she died or that I am only 20 years old. I knew all of that when I started planning the wedding, though, so it is no fault but my own.

However, I have had a constant headache for about a week now. I have been losing sleep or not sleeping well. I have been reverting to many of my old controlling ways. I have been having more arguments with my fiance. I have had much more tension in my shoulders. I have had a lot more neck pain. I have lost my ability to focus, and I have all but put my relationship with God on the back burner. I'm still showering and cleaning my house, but with those to facts exempt, these are all my tell tale signs of missing my mom.

There is a huge part of me right now that is terrified of admitting that. I am terrified that if I allow myself to be sad right now in the midst of all the chaos, I will lose sight of what is happening in my life. Even more so, I am afraid of having the depression set back into my life and take control of me again because I do not take medication for depression. I don't ever want to be back in that place again. So somewhere along the line, I started refusing to allow myself to talk or think about my mom in relation to my wedding. When I realized that thinking about the wedding itself brought on anxiety, I went on planning the wedding as if it were not truly my own. It hasn't been until this week that I have truly felt like this was my wedding.

I tend to over analyze everything, even more so when I am dealing with anxiety and stress. Every step of the way, I have over analyzed people's opinions, feelings, emotions, etc about this wedding to the point that it became not my own but a pile of what other people want. Yesterday, I think the woman that is making our cake for us as our gift got frustrated with me because I was so laid back about how she did the cake. She was looking for some real decision, and I was giving her pretty much free reign as long as the cake looked like it belonged at a fall wedding. At one point she jokingly said to me, "I'll just do whatever I want then since you don't care." It has come to a point where I feel like I can't make any decisions without asking someone else. It is such a strange surreal feeling.

What really brought all of this on and to the forefront was not my questions about my dizziness, though. Since I work for a new business, we need to do an open house. We need to get people in to see what we're all about. During our meeting today, we were going over details for the Open House, and we had to choose a date. The dates were between September 19th and September 26th, and the moment I heard the former date, my heart sunk into my stomach. The former date is the 2 year anniversary of the day my family lost our mother. I didn't realize I even felt any anxiety about it until that point. I had honestly hoped to not even bring it up at work, to keep it to myself so I wouldn't have to explain myself, but I couldn't do that. I gained a little composure, and through a shaky voice asked them if we could do it the 26th instead because that is my mom's death anniversary. Everyone agreed and moved on quickly, but I have not been able to get my thoughts off the way I felt when I was asked to work an Open House the day my mom had died.

I don't know how the next 8 days will go. I do know that I cannot ignore my pain, though. My problem now is finding that outlet that is healthy and does not send me into a downward spiral.

Emotional Uproar

Today my fiance was given the news that he no longer has a job...


I feel anxious...


When I found out, I cried and shook...


My stomach is all tied up in knots right now...


He's already filling out an application for a new job and planning on going to the unemployment office tomorrow...


He's ok...


I feel so sad for him...


He didn't deserve to get laid off...


He's such a hard worker. He doesn't miss days unless he's practically dying. He does what he's told and rarely ask questions. He doesn't complain. He gives it his all. He gets along with his co-workers.


It's not really his dream, though...


He doesn't really like the job, though...


It really is time for something new...


With so much change in our lives right now, I suppose it is time for that area of our lives to change as well.


I also just checked my e-mail...


I received a one line e-mail from an old friend...


She was just dropping by to say hello...


I think I will always love that friend...


I still have dreams about her and think about her a lot...


My heart is still hurt, though...


I'm still feeling a little jaded...


There's too much else happening in life right now to try to pick up the pieces...


I'm glad she said hello, though...


I'm glad she didn't try to push me...


I'm glad she kept it simple...


I'm glad she still thinks of me...


Only God knows how this will all play out...


Only God knows why both things happened today...


Only God knows...


Only God knows...


I feel better knowing...that only God knows.

Empathy

Lately, I have been hearing lots of stories of loss, and it is really weighing on my heart. I realize that people die every day, but some of those people got the chance to live long, healthy lives. Sometimes, those people got to say goodbye to their loved ones. Sometimes, those people had their affairs in order, and sometimes the loss of those people was not unexpected or sudden. In all the cases in which those things are not true, there is so much more unfair pain. It is just truly painful to lose someone you love so quickly.

I know in some of my blogs recently, I have been sharing with you all some of the desires of my heart, some of my desires to get married and have children of my own. Recently, though, I have been reminded of infant fatalities and people losing their babies. I know I have never experienced motherhood or pregnancy for that matter, but my heart strings are really pulled at the thought of losing a baby. I want a baby so badly, and I at least have the understanding of that desire to have a baby, that I can only imagine how crushed I would be if something happened to my precious baby, the baby that I wanted so much. Along with that, I am also reminded of how many women can not have babies. That too is heart wrenching. I cannot imagine, and I hope I never will have to experience having my desire to have a baby of my own crushed. I have an immense desire to be some one's mother, to hold their hand as they learn to walk, to coddle them when they cry out in pain, to kiss their scrapes when they fall, and even to become utterly frustrated with them when they hate me as teenagers, just so long as I get to live long enough to see them grow and mature into adults, knowing what a large part I played in creating them.

I have not only been reminded of losing infants. I have been reminded of losing mothers, fathers, friends and siblings. Sometimes in my life, when I have not consciously thought of my mom and the loss I experienced, God discreetly begins to remind me that it is OK to think about how much I miss her. I love that I can be a shoulder to cry on for so many others that lose their loved ones, and I love that I can let other people know they are not alone. That does not mean that I should forget my own pains.

In my own ideal dream world, everyone would get to live a long, healthy, prosperous life. They would get to know God and know their place in Heaven is secured. Then, when their life has been lived to the max, they could pass peacefully into another state of being with their Father. Their family could all be around them, and that person would remain conscious and alive until every family member that needed to be there had the opportunity to be there and say goodbye. That person could pass on their advice and love to those they cared for, and there would be no pain in dying. We could then celebrate this person's wonderful, healthy life and continue in our own lives knowing we would see them again soon.

I do apologize if I have stirred up sadness in any of your hearts, but I want to remind all of you to allow yourselves to feel the pain when it needs to be felt. Please do not ignore it and expect it to go dormant. My heart goes out to you all, and please remember that you are not alone.

Those Women...

I don't have a three page long blog today. It is just a simple blog to express my great love of those special women in my life. I find pieces of them reflecting in my daily life, pieces I never knew we had in common. Tonight, we got together, some of us. I was, and will continue to be the youngest. While they all share their stories, I laugh along as if I have a clue. All the while I am learning about the world, being a sponge to their waterfall of experience. They are all so beautiful to me, my big sisters, my friends, my mommies. I always wonder if they realize what all they are to me. I learn from them, even in areas you would never think one could learn. I know this all very vague, but the happenings of our Girls' Nights are for us to know, not even to be disclosed amongst the blogging world. I always leave blissful, knowing that so much love could fill one room or one house or one heart, and feel as though I should go home and take notes over everything I learned. :) I won't take notes. I will store the memories of these beautiful women away in my brain, and I will continue to take their words out as they become necessary. Just as I hear my mom's voice constantly, without even being conscious of it many times, I will hear all the voices of these women whispering their kind words, the powerful words, their words of hatred toward anyone that breaks my heart ;), and their words of compassion. In one night, we experienced laughter, love, and joy, reflection, sadness and pain, and deepened a bond that will never be let go. I never would have thought that losing my mom would have brought about all of this in my life, but Mom is always here with me, always having her hand in my life, always guiding me and teaching me. Though I cannot see her, it is times like these, when all of us very different women get together, when I see all the aspects of my mother and feel her essence the strongest. Somewhere in the "cosmos" I think that is the point.

Emotional Breakdown

It's funny the way the events of another person's life affect us emotionally. A lady I work with is losing her mom today. In the time that I have worked in my hometown, only about 8 months, this will be the second co-worker that will lose her mother. The first woman was my manager. She didn't ever get too emotional about it at work, and I didn't know if her mom had been sick or just elderly. I felt for her, knowing what it was like to wake up and need to call your mom only to realize you couldn't, but I didn't break down. However, today, it was agonizing, and still is, though I have had a good cry to help clear it out a little.

My co-workers mom has had Alzheimer's for quite awhile, and the family had been told she probably wouldn't make it through the rest of the week. She said she woke up every hour throughout the night last night sure she was going to be getting that dreaded phone call. She didn't get it in the night, though. She got it at work today. The family was told to assemble and say goodbye. I remember getting the phone call. I remember the utter panic, the tear at my heart. Do I tell her it is all right for her to leave me or do I freak and beg her to stay? My heart answered that for me, though my brain was telling me I was throwing myself to the wolves. I told her it was ok, and it shattered my heart and soul. After she died, the guilt rose up in me every single day for months on end. What if? It was terrible.

My co-worker said it was like losing her mom twice. She lost her once when her mom forgot who she was, and now, she is losing her again. This time, she won't be able to go back and visit a woman who doesn't have a clue who she is, but still means the world to her. The finality is almost the worst part, wondering how you are going to go on with your life, what it will be like not to see them anymore. She told me that just because she was older didn't make it easier, and I told her I knew. Just because her mom was sick didn't make it easier, and I knew.

We want our mommies to live forever, to always be our superheroes, to always drive us crazy, to always smile at us warmly and accept us no matter what crazy mistake we had made. No one in the world loves you like your mom does. No one knows you like your mom does. I felt like a piece of me had gone with her when she died, and I was helpless to retrieve it. I don't want any of you to feel as though I haven't been able to move on in my life, though it has only been a little over a year. I have, but there will always be things in life that bring it back to me.

It is a terrible thing to lose a mother, whether or not she can even remember who you are. You remember who she is, and you always remember how much you loved her and she, you. Please keep this woman in your thoughts. Right now, she is no longer a grown woman, but a little girl again, wishing she could make it all go away.