Spontaneous Camping Trip

This past Saturday was a beautiful day in my neighborhood. The temperature was right around 65-70 all day. The skies were clear and blue, and it was as if nature was calling to me. So, on a whim, we decided to go camping, and the fates aligned just right. We were able to borrow everything we needed from my older brother and his girlfriend and buy food and drinks for the night. It was spectacular, and it was my fiance and my first time ever camping together. It was also my first time camping as an adult. It was just as fun and relaxing as I remember it from the few times I went with friends. I was inspired to write while I was out there, so you can read that now.


It is exactly on week before my wedding. It is 9:03 pm, and my legs are warm under my fleece sweats from the fire a few feet in front of me. The pre-Fall cool night is setting in around us as Verdict* plays on our car stereo. I am surrounded by to of my brothers, my older brother's girlfriend, and my soon to be husband...husband...husband...


How strange? Some day 20 years from now, I will look back on my life before my marriage and remember this very camp out. I will remember the nerves settling in. I will remember the excitement about having all my family together. I will remember the warmth of knowing at the end of every day, there is someone on my side, by my side, to hold my hand, to take care of me, to smile at me and kiss my forehead.


I will remember being able to camp out instead of being frantic and up to my ears in wedding planning. I will remember putting up my first tent, roasting marshmallows for s'mores, eating my first camp fire cooked hot dog, and laying under the stars, warm in my anam cara's arms (my soul mate ;o) ).


There is something magical, something enticing, something indescribable about the radiating warmth of a fire. The flames lick and hug the tree limbs almost lovingly just before burning them into nothing but a pile of forgotten ashes, permanently erasing all the growth and history that tree limb held. The heat permeates your skin leaving a tingling across your being as the coolness of night fights with it to hug you. There is a oneness with nature as the plants and animals continue their existence as if you are not even there. And the peace, oh the peace of letting the real world slip away and nature's healing set in, there's nothing like it.


I do believe this was the perfect way to spend my last weekend as an unmarried woman.




*My fiance's best man is the vocalist for Verdict. They are a little heavier than my normal taste, but these guys hold so much talent and so much passion. It blows you away every time, even if you don't normally listen to that sort of style. His best man writes most of the songs himself, as well as much of the actual music. It is an amazing skill I cannot even begin to wrap my head around.

Wedding Plans

Many of you may be wondering how the wedding planning is actually coming along. In truth, it is going rather smoothly. There are some things that are being packed in at the last minute due to my avoidance of all things wedding, but for the most part things are running well. As of yesterday, I got the list of songs to play during the wedding and some of the reception done. Every part of the wedding and reception that needed a song paired with it now has one, thanks to the help of a wonderful friend of mine that let me borrow her computer and her musical knowledge for the long night. I got to choose a few Celtic songs as well as a few that took me back to my childhood. I feel like each song we chose will work out well for our personalities.

Last night, I also finalized the details with our cake. We are going to have a four layer square cake, white with copper ribbon around the bottom edges of each layer, and randomly covered with fall leaves and possibly some acorns. We had some difficulty finding a topper that I liked because I have red hair and my fiance has shoulder length blond hair. Neither of us are the stiff type so the traditional cake toppers were doing nothing for me. Also, my fiance is really into Tim Burton's movies as you can tell from reading his blog at Outspoken85 . He's also really into zombies and video games, lots of stuff I'm not into at all. However, this entire wedding was left up to me to plan, so I planned it to my tastes. In order to include him somehow, I decided with his help that I am going to crochet a zombie bride and groom, in a tasteful manner, from my new book Creepy Cute . The bride is all done except for her veil, and I am so happy with her! They really are cute, and will give us something truly unique for our wedding.

My dress has been dropped off to get pressed and cleaned. All three bridesmaids have paid for their dresses, and two of them actually have their dresses already. Two of the three guys that are wearing tuxes have them paid for, which I think are pretty good odds seeing as how we are speaking of men here. All the kids in the wedding have something to wear as well.

My sister's husband is going to take pictures of the wedding party and during the ceremony. Another family friend is going to help during the ceremony and before with pictures and will also be taking a lot of pictures at the reception for us.

A good friend of mine is taking over DJ-ing even though she has never DJ-ed before. She has the personality for it, and her brother may be helping her out. I'm not sure yet, but I know it will be loads of fun.

As of right now, we just need to get bird seed to make our little bird seed bags for people to toss as we are walking out. We also need a get away car of some sort, which may end up being my old school mutli-colored Buick Park Avenue, and we need to get soda and snacks for the reception. If time and money allow, I'd also love to get a new sundress to wear at the reception when I'm ready to get out of the heavy wedding dress.

It has been a load of stress up to this point. It has been dramatic. At times, it has been painful. I think the actual wedding day will be over in such a blur that I won't remember much, but thankfully I have wonderful friends and family that will help me to capture those memories so I can look back on how beautiful the process will be.

So what was your wedding like? How did your plans go? Was there disaster? I'd love to hear your stories to take my mind off of my own for a bit. :)

9 Days in Counting

...And this day is proving to be an especially hard one. For a swift moment in time, I allowed myself to peek into my hidden anxiety, and I have to say I am very sad.

My wedding is in 9 days. In 9 days I will be a 20 year old wife. In nine days I will be starting in on a whole new life, a secure life. In nine days I will be promising to love and cherish someone for the rest of my life. And in 9 days, my mom will still not be here.

Today, at work, I talked to my boss because I have been having bouts of dizzy spells for the past three days, ridiculous dizzy spells. It never really set in that this was my wedding I'm planning because I never let it set in, but as the days draw nearer, I am realizing that is my dress in the closet, those are my flowers, my shoes, my candles, my table cloths. All of it is mine for my wedding. I keep pushing those thoughts under the rug as soon as they settle in though, and when I told my boss about the dizzy spells, informing him that I do have sinus problems, though I'm not feeling much right now, he asked me about stress and anxiety...

Stress and anxiety? I chewed on that for about 30 seconds before I apprehensively admitted to having them both. In that same moment, I realized I have been refusing to think about this wedding as my own for one reason. If I dwell on the fact that this is my wedding, it will eventually lead into the thought that my mom is gone. Somewhere along the line, I refused to associate my wedding with my mom's death because I want the day to be happy. It doesn't help that my mom's death anniversary is two weeks away from the wedding and that this is only the second year since she died or that I am only 20 years old. I knew all of that when I started planning the wedding, though, so it is no fault but my own.

However, I have had a constant headache for about a week now. I have been losing sleep or not sleeping well. I have been reverting to many of my old controlling ways. I have been having more arguments with my fiance. I have had much more tension in my shoulders. I have had a lot more neck pain. I have lost my ability to focus, and I have all but put my relationship with God on the back burner. I'm still showering and cleaning my house, but with those to facts exempt, these are all my tell tale signs of missing my mom.

There is a huge part of me right now that is terrified of admitting that. I am terrified that if I allow myself to be sad right now in the midst of all the chaos, I will lose sight of what is happening in my life. Even more so, I am afraid of having the depression set back into my life and take control of me again because I do not take medication for depression. I don't ever want to be back in that place again. So somewhere along the line, I started refusing to allow myself to talk or think about my mom in relation to my wedding. When I realized that thinking about the wedding itself brought on anxiety, I went on planning the wedding as if it were not truly my own. It hasn't been until this week that I have truly felt like this was my wedding.

I tend to over analyze everything, even more so when I am dealing with anxiety and stress. Every step of the way, I have over analyzed people's opinions, feelings, emotions, etc about this wedding to the point that it became not my own but a pile of what other people want. Yesterday, I think the woman that is making our cake for us as our gift got frustrated with me because I was so laid back about how she did the cake. She was looking for some real decision, and I was giving her pretty much free reign as long as the cake looked like it belonged at a fall wedding. At one point she jokingly said to me, "I'll just do whatever I want then since you don't care." It has come to a point where I feel like I can't make any decisions without asking someone else. It is such a strange surreal feeling.

What really brought all of this on and to the forefront was not my questions about my dizziness, though. Since I work for a new business, we need to do an open house. We need to get people in to see what we're all about. During our meeting today, we were going over details for the Open House, and we had to choose a date. The dates were between September 19th and September 26th, and the moment I heard the former date, my heart sunk into my stomach. The former date is the 2 year anniversary of the day my family lost our mother. I didn't realize I even felt any anxiety about it until that point. I had honestly hoped to not even bring it up at work, to keep it to myself so I wouldn't have to explain myself, but I couldn't do that. I gained a little composure, and through a shaky voice asked them if we could do it the 26th instead because that is my mom's death anniversary. Everyone agreed and moved on quickly, but I have not been able to get my thoughts off the way I felt when I was asked to work an Open House the day my mom had died.

I don't know how the next 8 days will go. I do know that I cannot ignore my pain, though. My problem now is finding that outlet that is healthy and does not send me into a downward spiral.

I've been thinking...

Honestly, I would love to have a big reception with the dancing and the toasts, but I don't think we can afford it. The wedding itself is the cheap part. I already have been blessed to have someone make my cake for me as my gift. My dress is already paid for as well as the rings and some decorations and invites. There is too much that is already paid for to decide we can't do a wedding.

However, almost nothing is set or paid for on the reception front. At this point, I really am starting to feel like the smaller this shindig is, the better it will be for everyone, but mostly, the better it will be for my fiance and I. Neither one of us likes being the center of attention, him worse than me. We are already broke, anyway.

So far we have been so blessed to know so many people who can help along the way. My sister's husband can take beautiful photos, and my sister could even edit them if I asked nicely. She has a whole brood of children to participate in the wedding ceremony. (I bet she never realized that having so many children would bless someone. ;o) ) My brother's girlfriend offered to do my hair for the big day, and she does hair for a living. Friends of mine that have known me since I was born have offered to make my cake, professionally even, for my gift. I am going through Confirmation at my church which makes it free to use the building, once I am a member. The pastor has already agreed to do the ceremony.

We have almost everything we need for the actual wedding ceremony done. I still need flowers and someone to make pew bows for us, but other than that, we could pull of this wedding in a couple weeks if we needed to.

Like my sister suggested, we are not obligated to have a reception and feed people. If we are feeling up to it, we can go out with a group of our friends to celebrate, but we just can't do anything big right now. Marrying such a supportive, funny, easy going, loving, warm and helpful man is really all I care about. Also, like she suggested, having a big party with all our friends for our anniversary might me nice as well. In a society filled with divorce and failed relationships, a strong, lasting relationships is certainly something to celebrate.

I do appreciate the advice. I do feel more at ease about the situation we are about to enter into. I think I will make an official decision tonight after talking to my fiance, but I am sure he will agree this is the best route to take.

Yet Another Drumroll Please

I got my wedding dress this weekend!


The entire process was quick, easy, and painless. The girl that helped us was very nice, and she didn't pressure me to buy anything. I only tried on one style of dress, but for the rest of the appointment, I tried different colors of sashes. I finally settled on "cognac" according to David's Bridal's color pallet. I call it bronze. Ha ha.

Anyway, it is a strapless, white, satin, A-line dress. It is just poofy enough, and it has a train! If any of you saw my blog last month or so I posted a picture of the dress I thought I wanted, but it didn't have poof or a train. This dress really feels like a wedding dress. I feel comfortable in it. I feel beautiful in it. It fits all my curves the way a wedding dress should. It is tight enough that it doesn't move, so I won't be pulling up my dress all night. It is simple, but the girl who helped us let me try on a tiara, necklace and earrings that all have flair to dress it up. I even tried on a veil, and I loved wearing the veil!

Here is a link to the actual dress that I purchased and brought home this weekend. Once you are there, you can click on the color "cognac" from the color pallet to see the actual sash I will be wearing.

http://www.davidsbridal.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplayView?storeId=10052&catalogId=10051&categoryId=-49995489&currentIdx=14&subCategory=-49999486%7c-49998998%7c-49995489&catentryId=1000119

The bridesmaids dresses are going to be green. They won't be quite this color of green, but the color of the bridesmaids dresses and the color of my sash looks absolutely wonderful together. It all still ties into the Fall theme that I want, and I am even thinking I might be able to use sunflowers in my bouquets! It will match the theme because sunflowers grow in the late summer, early fall. Sunflowers would actually be really pretty, and my mom would have loved them.

In other news, Big T's job will be closing for two weeks in the middle of the summer as well as cutting them down to four days a week, 8 hours a day and no overtime. All I can really say about this is that it is out of my hands and the $100 we've been managing to save toward our wedding every month is not going to happen anymore. We will get it all figured out, though. God has blessed us to this point, and I have faith that He will continue to teach us and mold us. It is all part of His plan, I guess, and I am trying to learn to accept that.

On my crafting front, I am making a baby blanket for the little boy baby shower that is in two weeks. It's one of those snuggle blankets that has a stuffed animal attached to it. This one has a big turtle attached to it. This weekend, I accomplished getting the top of the shell, bottom of the shell and head done. Tonight, I need to do some laundry, maybe a load or two, and I am hoping to at least finish the legs and sew the body together. Maybe I will even be able to start stuffing the little guy! It really is an adorable blanket. There will be pictures as it comes along.

And for a little insight...My sister said to me, "It has got to be surreal for you to have your wedding dress in the back of my car right now." It is surreal, but it is also very exciting. I feel as though I mature every day. I get less mad or upset over the little things, and I thoroughly enjoy the quiet moments in life, the simple moments. For example, when I was pulling away from my sister's house yesterday, my little niece M was sitting in the window. As soon as she saw me she started waving, so I waved back smiling. After I had got in the truck, I rolled down the window to see her still sitting, staring out the window, so I waved some more with a huge smile on my face. Then I started to blow kisses. She watched me for a few seconds, and then she melted my heart by blowing kisses back. Besides the obvious excitement over having my wedding dress, my heart just floated the rest of the day because of her sweet little gesture.

I think at some point, as I told my sister, I will feel sad that my mom wasn't there when I got my wedding dress, but really, she was there. She was there in it all helping me to feel happy and relaxed instead of anxious and upset. She was there when I saw how much I loved green and bronze instead of all brown. She was there when I realized sunflowers would be beautiful with the bridesmaids dresses. In all of my happiness, I know she was there.

Books and Receptions

I just finished this book last night, and I have to say, for a first time writer, she was very good. At first, I bought the book because it was funny. A crochet-related murder mystery? How fantastic! It did turn out to be fantastic, too. This author spun a web of people that all could benefit from the victim's death. I have a very good knack for predicting books and movies, but I do have to say that I didn't have this one figured out until right before the main character figured it out. There were a few editorial mistakes throughout the book, that of course I had to pick up on, but overall, it was a fun, enjoyable, easy read. It was not gory, but it definitely had the air of mystery. Not to mention, it came with a free granny square washcloth pattern as well as a recipe for made from scratch bunt cake and butter cream icing! I can't wait to try all three out. The book was also relatively cheap because it is paper back and because she is a newer author.

Onto more wedding news, I cannot use the original location I had hoped to use for my reception. Being the control freak I am, it sent me into a momentary relapse of panic mode. However, I am beyond that now. I am still aggravated because I just want to set my date and move on with other planning. The church is set, but I can't move on with buying decorations or basically anything I need to do until I know where the reception will be, what size it will be, and what I need to supply. I hate waiting to have this stuff figured out!

As far as my actual reception is concerned, I want to have one, obviously. I want there to be a bar, but it won't be an open bar. I feel like people should have the opportunity to buy their own drinks if they don't want the soda that I supply. I also don't want to have to supply enough soda for lots of people to drink in a few hours. I want people to be able to bring their children if they choose. I want a traditional "first dance," and I want my big brother to sing for our first dance. I have already asked him to sing the song "Forever and Ever, Amen" as Randy Travis sang it. I heard that song when I was very little, and I always knew that I would play that song at my wedding for my first dance. I also want the cheesy dollar dance because I want to be able to interact with the people that choose to come to my reception. I want to decorate tables with a floating candle centerpiece and leaves. I want to have a fall theme, and I want it to be beautiful on a budget.

I don't want to just have cake after my wedding at the church. The ceremony itself is only about twenty minutes, and if we just had cake afterwards, it would be about forty minutes and be over. I just can't handle that idea. I want a celebration. I want to remember my wedding night for how fun and beautiful it was, not something that was just cheap and easy.

Anyway, if you have any suggestions or advice, I would love to read them. Thanks!

The Bank

So Big T went to the bank today. We were told, based on our income, we could get a $65,000 house. However, to get the payments we want, we need to get our credit score to 650 at least. Let's just say, we aren't quite there. Along with getting a house, we would need appliances, money for any repairs, money for the down payment, and money for taxes among other miscellaneous things. We have been living together for 2 years, nearly, and we just moved into our new apartment. We really like our new apartment, and haven't had any problems yet. Therefore, we are going to work on raising our credit score, which is going to include strict adherence to a budget.

However, as far as our honeymoon, we have a possibility of going to Ireland. Big T already has a loan with the bank, and it was supposed to be paid off in August. The banker said he could add the amount of money needed for the trip onto the existing loan and keep our regular payment amount every month. We are still mulling it over, but I think we may be leaning toward yes. It is a once in a life time experience for us and would be a dream come true and a wonderful way to start our new life together. My heritage is in Ireland, and Big T just loves Ireland. Plus, our wedding rings are from there. I have already started my research for the trip to see how much we would be looking at.

I feel more encouraged after my crazy blog earlier, but I am still a little nervous. I want this honeymoon to happen so badly, but I don't want to get my hopes up, either. Thanks, everyone!

50,50, 50!

So I know red is kind of a bright color, but I need bright to tell this exciting news. First of all, I had been putting off posting for awhile because I really wanted my 50th blog to be special. 50 blogs! Wow! I can't believe I stuck with this whole blogging thing. Anyway, I wish I could have a drum roll on here, but here is the big news.

I'm getting married!!!!!

Big T proposed very sweetly and romantically on Valentine's Day. It was perfect. I can show you all the ring, but it is being hand crafted in Dublin, Ireland. It isn't here yet, but it will be. For now, I am going to order the cheap cubic zirconium version so I have something to show people. You gotta love the innocence of broke college kids. :)

I have also picked out a dress that I would really like. I have known, like many girls, what I have wanted for a long time. It is just simple, but I love it!

The sash will be brown instead of red, but I love the way it flows straight down, and I love the simplicity of it. I also love that I can throw in a splash of my own color to tie it all into my Fall theme.

With the help of my older sister, I have already picked out my invitations at Michael's. They were on clearance! They are orange and yellow with paisleys, and I love them! I also got my thank yous, and they are brown. We picked up some flowers to play around with for my bridal bouquet, and we humorously dug through a huge pile of clearance ribbon to get the colors I wanted.

We are thinking of a September wedding this year. I never wanted a drawn out engagement. I know he is the one, and I want the wedding to be here. I can't wait to have my own wedding day to cherish, and I know it is going to be beautiful! I have so many wonderful women in my life that can help me, and I know my mom will be floating around me the whole time. I just can't wait or contain the excitement, joy, or honor I am feeling that someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me. Me!!

I can show you the gift I made by hand for Big T for Valentine's Day, too. I think this gave him the real push he needed to know I was the one for him. ;) You'll see the humor, too. :)

If any of you have ever seen Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas, you might recognize this little guy. It is a loom knit Jack Skellington doll! Nightmare Before Christmas is Big T's favorite movie. He has a collection of interesting things that are Nightmare Before Christmas including but not limited to: this doll, a quilt my sister made and put iron on scenes from the movie, notebooks, t-shirts, and a set of Russian dolls, the ones that stack up inside of each other. If you don't know who this is, google Jack Skellington and click on Images. You will see that my version is quite overstuffed, but Big T loved him just the same. :)

The flowers he is pictured with are my creation from this morning. I think this will be my bridal bouquet! I love it, and I am so excited to have another thing to cross of the "To Do..." list.

Yes, I am as overwhelmed as you all, but I hope you have enjoyed my pictures and you are feeling included. I am so excited, I can hardly stand it, but I will try not to get myself in too deep and actually enjoy this process. ;) Much love to you all! xoxoxoxoxo