I have finally made a decision for myself.I know this doesn't seem like a big feat, but for me, it truly is. As of earlier today, I am officially withdrawn from my classes! Part of me is excited, and part of me is very nervous. If I ever stop taking my herbal crazy pills (St. John's Wort for those of you fain to follow my blog regularly) I may be very anxious about the decision. I am excited to have more time to devote to my crocheting and my house. I am excited to not feel the constant pressure of doing well and meeting demands. I am excited to explore the world around me, and I am most excited to continue learning about myself and my friends and family. I'm nervous because for the last nearly two years of my life, I have identified myself as a college student, using school to validate myself, thus explaining the reason I have not felt good about myself in quite some time. I am nervous to create my own real identity instead of a generic mold of an identity. As I stated above, I am also excited about this. I am nervous about getting started on paying off my student loans, though I know they are reasonable and work with your budget. I am excited to give my full attention to planning my wedding and a wonderful, relaxing honeymoon. I'm nervous that I will never be able to decide what I want to do. I'm excited to relax and do things that make me happy. I'm nervous about what people will think. I'm nervous I will grow more distant from my friends as I embark on an even different lifestyle from them. I'm nervous I won't understand their world anymore and they may not understand mine.I'm excited to have such wonderful, supportive friends and family around me in this time of trial and error. Besides all of those mixed emotions, I am thrilled to be going out tonight with my sister and some of our friends! We are going to pick up the Twilight movie, and I think I might just be able to justify buying that as well as the yarn to make a very pretty crochet sampler afghan. There will be pictures to come, but tonight is going to be a wonderful time full of window shopping and what I'm sure will end up being lots of entertainment for us and those who happen to be standing too close. ;o)
Well the time has finally come that I ignore society and make a decision for myself. I know all of you read my frustrations last semester when I didn't know if I could continue with my classes. I decided to take two classes and keep trying, but I am still in the same place I was before. I am not being productive with my classes, but I am being productive with my projects. There is a whole slew of ideas as to why I am hating school right now. Let's digress.1. I dislike all authority. I have had this issue for awhile. I want to feel like an equal, and growing up, I always wanted to feel like an equal with the adults. Therefore, I cannot stand having the teachers have authority over how I spend my time. Therefore, I rebel. I understand this is immature, but I am honestly so tired of being mature all the time. I never got to be a normal kid or teenager. I had a few rough patches in my childhood, and in my teen years, my mom got cancer. I feel as though I witnessed and went through so much more than kids my age normally go through that I always had a more progressed though process.2. I am living an adult life. I pay my bills, have a job and an apartment, and I have all the responsibilities of an adult. I am also expected to go to college like a kid. I am supposed to be living a split life, it feels like. I am expected to be an adult and a kid, and it is very tolling on me mentally. 3. I think I resent school because my mom died in my first semester of college. I feel like it is unfair that I have to go through college without her and I always wanted to go to college to get her approval. I wanted to hear from her that I did a good job, that I was smart and pretty. I wanted her to see my accomplishments, and as much support as I have around me, I still don't have her. I feel resentful of school because I associate school with not making it in time to say goodbye to my mom. I can still hear her asking me, "Are you avoiding me?" In all truth, I was. I see that now, looking back on it. I knew she was going to die, and I couldn't handle watching it. However, I was also very busy between work and school. It was as if I moved out, got into work and school, and my life back home didn't exist anymore. I resent school because I feel like it led me to hurt her by not being around in her last days. 4. I rebel against school because it is what society expects of me. Instead of people asking me how I am, how I'm really doing, they ask questions like, "Are you still in school? Where do you want to transfer after Parkland College? What are you majoring in?" All of these questions have nothing to do with me, who I really am and how I am really feeling. They are surface questions, and I hate when people ask them because they say nothing about me. It makes me feel like that person just needs filler conversation and doesn't really care about how I am feeling or progressing in life. 5. Overall, I am just sick of doing what everyone else thinks I should be doing. I have many dreams. I would love to open a yarn shop or craft shop or even a coffee shop (! ha ha !). I would love to write editorials or opinion columns for a magazine or newspaper. I would love to interact with children, little children, play with them and teach them. I would love to teach crocheting classes. I would love to perform my own music for large crowds. I would love to live a more simple life enjoying the quiet, small moments and having something to really value at the end of my life. 6. I am stressing myself out by living a life that is not right for me right now. I know going to school is a good thing. However, I need to make that decision for myself. In high school, you are pressured to choose a school and told there is no way you can make a living without going. You are pressured to choose a major. In my case, all of my friends were going to school, and the prospect of moving out on my own and striking my own place in the world was so enticing, especially the prospect of living with my best friends. However, since then, I have found that I don't want to live with other people besides my fiance. I like that my messes are my own messes and no one is upset with me because I made a mess and left it there. When I have lived my life the way I want to for awhile, maybe then I will decide I want to go to school, that I want to go to school, not that I was expected to or pressured to. Then maybe I will get a business degree, enough to open my own shop, or an English degree to further my dreams of writing or a degree in early childhood education. Ultimately whatever I decide needs to be my decision. That is why, I have made the decision to withdraw from my classes until I am ready to make a decision about school or another path in life. Please keep me in your prayers that God would guide me to His path, His plan for my life. This is an exciting, un-tread path for me, but I have to do it for me.
So Big T went to the bank today. We were told, based on our income, we could get a $65,000 house. However, to get the payments we want, we need to get our credit score to 650 at least. Let's just say, we aren't quite there. Along with getting a house, we would need appliances, money for any repairs, money for the down payment, and money for taxes among other miscellaneous things. We have been living together for 2 years, nearly, and we just moved into our new apartment. We really like our new apartment, and haven't had any problems yet. Therefore, we are going to work on raising our credit score, which is going to include strict adherence to a budget. However, as far as our honeymoon, we have a possibility of going to Ireland. Big T already has a loan with the bank, and it was supposed to be paid off in August. The banker said he could add the amount of money needed for the trip onto the existing loan and keep our regular payment amount every month. We are still mulling it over, but I think we may be leaning toward yes. It is a once in a life time experience for us and would be a dream come true and a wonderful way to start our new life together. My heritage is in Ireland, and Big T just loves Ireland. Plus, our wedding rings are from there. I have already started my research for the trip to see how much we would be looking at. I feel more encouraged after my crazy blog earlier, but I am still a little nervous. I want this honeymoon to happen so badly, but I don't want to get my hopes up, either. Thanks, everyone!
