Changes

Well the time has finally come that I ignore society and make a decision for myself. I know all of you read my frustrations last semester when I didn't know if I could continue with my classes. I decided to take two classes and keep trying, but I am still in the same place I was before. I am not being productive with my classes, but I am being productive with my projects. There is a whole slew of ideas as to why I am hating school right now. Let's digress.

1. I dislike all authority. I have had this issue for awhile. I want to feel like an equal, and growing up, I always wanted to feel like an equal with the adults. Therefore, I cannot stand having the teachers have authority over how I spend my time. Therefore, I rebel. I understand this is immature, but I am honestly so tired of being mature all the time. I never got to be a normal kid or teenager. I had a few rough patches in my childhood, and in my teen years, my mom got cancer. I feel as though I witnessed and went through so much more than kids my age normally go through that I always had a more progressed though process.

2. I am living an adult life. I pay my bills, have a job and an apartment, and I have all the responsibilities of an adult. I am also expected to go to college like a kid. I am supposed to be living a split life, it feels like. I am expected to be an adult and a kid, and it is very tolling on me mentally.

3. I think I resent school because my mom died in my first semester of college. I feel like it is unfair that I have to go through college without her and I always wanted to go to college to get her approval. I wanted to hear from her that I did a good job, that I was smart and pretty. I wanted her to see my accomplishments, and as much support as I have around me, I still don't have her. I feel resentful of school because I associate school with not making it in time to say goodbye to my mom. I can still hear her asking me, "Are you avoiding me?" In all truth, I was. I see that now, looking back on it. I knew she was going to die, and I couldn't handle watching it. However, I was also very busy between work and school. It was as if I moved out, got into work and school, and my life back home didn't exist anymore. I resent school because I feel like it led me to hurt her by not being around in her last days.

4. I rebel against school because it is what society expects of me. Instead of people asking me how I am, how I'm really doing, they ask questions like, "Are you still in school? Where do you want to transfer after Parkland College? What are you majoring in?" All of these questions have nothing to do with me, who I really am and how I am really feeling. They are surface questions, and I hate when people ask them because they say nothing about me. It makes me feel like that person just needs filler conversation and doesn't really care about how I am feeling or progressing in life.

5. Overall, I am just sick of doing what everyone else thinks I should be doing. I have many dreams. I would love to open a yarn shop or craft shop or even a coffee shop (! ha ha !). I would love to write editorials or opinion columns for a magazine or newspaper. I would love to interact with children, little children, play with them and teach them. I would love to teach crocheting classes. I would love to perform my own music for large crowds. I would love to live a more simple life enjoying the quiet, small moments and having something to really value at the end of my life.

6. I am stressing myself out by living a life that is not right for me right now. I know going to school is a good thing. However, I need to make that decision for myself. In high school, you are pressured to choose a school and told there is no way you can make a living without going. You are pressured to choose a major. In my case, all of my friends were going to school, and the prospect of moving out on my own and striking my own place in the world was so enticing, especially the prospect of living with my best friends. However, since then, I have found that I don't want to live with other people besides my fiance. I like that my messes are my own messes and no one is upset with me because I made a mess and left it there. When I have lived my life the way I want to for awhile, maybe then I will decide I want to go to school, that I want to go to school, not that I was expected to or pressured to. Then maybe I will get a business degree, enough to open my own shop, or an English degree to further my dreams of writing or a degree in early childhood education.

Ultimately whatever I decide needs to be my decision. That is why, I have made the decision to withdraw from my classes until I am ready to make a decision about school or another path in life. Please keep me in your prayers that God would guide me to His path, His plan for my life. This is an exciting, un-tread path for me, but I have to do it for me.

Sleepy

I think I will welcome a few days off of work this week. I have had a much busier weekend than I have been used to in awhile. I went to southern Illinois on Saturday to visit my older brother. The trip was about a ten hour trip there and back, and we woke up at 4 am! Let me just say I was suffering a lot that day. I didn't get crap for sleep because I have yet another disorder. Whenever I know I have to get up really early, I get to anxious to sleep the night before. I am afraid I won't wake up, even though there are other people to wake me up, and I'm afraid of being an inconvenience to other people. Besides that, I was freezing in my sister's Tundra she calls a house. ;) I was suffering from being a woman. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I felt the cramping, and sure enough, I had to get up around 1:30 in the morning. Mind you, I had only just fallen asleep around 11 or 12 pm. Sometime after that, the dogs barked really loudly and woke me up, and after that, my alarm woke me up. I have never seen myself look more hellish. My hair was a matted mess and my eyes were absolutely blood shot. Not only did I get no sleep and have major hormone issues, but I suffer from car sickness! I tried to drink some Chi tea, but only got a few sips of it down. I had to keep turning the vent down to the cold setting, and when I tried to eat a few bites of my apple, my stomach literally churned and my mouth watered for a good thirty seconds. I really hate getting up early and being in a car. I don't even enjoy driving, but being a passenger is much worse. However, all complaints aside, seeing my brother's eyes light up at seeing my sister, her husband and I made the entire gross trip so worth it. I should have taped a MasterCard commercial, though. It might have gone something like this:

1. Early morning Chi tea and an apple: $6.00
2. Half the world's population of yarn and a few good books to keep you distracted: $70.00
3. Stopping to clean the car after you ralphed up your apple and Chi tea because you tried to use the yarn to distract yourself and got car sick: $20.00
4. The look on your brother's face as he sees you arrive with blood shot eyes, a pale, sullen face, and the aroma of misery: PRICELESS

Ok, ok. So I know it is a little wordy and dramatic, but the people live for drama.

Today, I went to Big T's parents' house for the first time since Christmas. No, they don't live miles away. No, I don't dislike them. No, they are not busy bees that are never home. Yes, I am a major slacker that has some serious selfish tendencies. :) His parents live about ten miles from us and stay home a lot. They are great people, and his mom is going to be the best mother-in-law. She is super understanding, loving, easy to talk to, and a wonderful, wise companion. His dad has lots of quirky stories about fixing engines and such, and I have to say that I love them. Oh, and I forgot to mention that his mom is probably the best baker I have ever met. I gave up chocolate for Lent (ironically I almost typed I gave up Lent for chocolate...subconscious?!). It has been slowly driving me mad, but the belief of my church is that Sundays are a celebration of Jesus dying for us and His Resurrection. So, today I was allowed chocolate, and she made some fantastic, made from scratch peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I only ate two, but her cookies are always about the size of my hand, so we're talking probably four or five normal sized cookies. Whatever! Get off my back. I already told you I was suffering from being a woman!

Anyway, I decided to make my brides maids' gifts, and I worked on that while at their house. My first project is turning out so adorable, but I am afraid it will be a few months before I can show pictures. My sister already knows what I am making, but she doesn't know what hers looks like, so I am trying realllllly hard to keep that a surprise. I shouldn't have done hers first! I just finished an exam, too. I will most likely get an 84% on it, which is a B. It's not bad, but it could have easily been an A. It is much better than my previous semester's work, though, so I am making some progress.

I am off to bed, now. I have been feeling like I have an ulcer since Friday, and I haven't even been eating food that was bad for me or drinking soda. It must be chocolate withdrawals. Dumb...;-) Have a wonderful rest, all of you!