New Kind of Thanksgiving

This year's Thanksgiving will not go unnoticed, not that any Thanksgiving ever goes unnoticed in my family. I just have to stop and dote on what a wonderful family I belong to.

This is going on the third year that my siblings and I are celebrating the holidays without our rock of a mom. At the holidays, she would pick at my older sister. She is always the one to host our holiday gatherings, and Mom would always find something to get under my sister's skin about. As I got older, I always picked up on the awkward tension, but it just became part of the tradition. Now that she is gone, my older sister has actually shed tears wishing she could just have Mom back to drive her crazy again.

Our mom was almost always smiling, though. She had such a warm and inviting smile. It had to be her sparkling brown eyes, perfectly fair skin, and dainty features. I don't remember much about the holidays besides laughing. Mom would tell jokes that would embarrass most kids and have us all in stitches. I remember she would laugh such deep hearty laughs, holding her belly and wiping the tears from her eyes. I will never be able to forget that laugh or that wonderful smile.

The biggest thing I have to be thankful for each holiday season is my family, though. Many families never mend the broken parts after they lose the rock of the family. Many families spend so much time fighting over what they want when a loved on dies. Many families are just never the same, but thankfully, my family didn't have any of that to deal with. Our mom died on September 19th, 2007. Our brother's birthday was a week later. Our youngest brother's birthday was two weeks later. We still celebrated. Thanksgiving and Christmas were terribly painful being just months apart from losing Mom, but we still celebrated...a little more quietly that year.

Now, as we approach our third Thanksgiving without our mom, we are still going to gather, eat together, joke together, and laugh together while Mom's spirit soars through the rooms with us. We may not be able to see her, but we can always feel her. We can always feel her keeping us going, always smiling at us, and always making life interesting.

We love and miss you, Mom!

Spontaneous Camping Trip

This past Saturday was a beautiful day in my neighborhood. The temperature was right around 65-70 all day. The skies were clear and blue, and it was as if nature was calling to me. So, on a whim, we decided to go camping, and the fates aligned just right. We were able to borrow everything we needed from my older brother and his girlfriend and buy food and drinks for the night. It was spectacular, and it was my fiance and my first time ever camping together. It was also my first time camping as an adult. It was just as fun and relaxing as I remember it from the few times I went with friends. I was inspired to write while I was out there, so you can read that now.


It is exactly on week before my wedding. It is 9:03 pm, and my legs are warm under my fleece sweats from the fire a few feet in front of me. The pre-Fall cool night is setting in around us as Verdict* plays on our car stereo. I am surrounded by to of my brothers, my older brother's girlfriend, and my soon to be husband...husband...husband...


How strange? Some day 20 years from now, I will look back on my life before my marriage and remember this very camp out. I will remember the nerves settling in. I will remember the excitement about having all my family together. I will remember the warmth of knowing at the end of every day, there is someone on my side, by my side, to hold my hand, to take care of me, to smile at me and kiss my forehead.


I will remember being able to camp out instead of being frantic and up to my ears in wedding planning. I will remember putting up my first tent, roasting marshmallows for s'mores, eating my first camp fire cooked hot dog, and laying under the stars, warm in my anam cara's arms (my soul mate ;o) ).


There is something magical, something enticing, something indescribable about the radiating warmth of a fire. The flames lick and hug the tree limbs almost lovingly just before burning them into nothing but a pile of forgotten ashes, permanently erasing all the growth and history that tree limb held. The heat permeates your skin leaving a tingling across your being as the coolness of night fights with it to hug you. There is a oneness with nature as the plants and animals continue their existence as if you are not even there. And the peace, oh the peace of letting the real world slip away and nature's healing set in, there's nothing like it.


I do believe this was the perfect way to spend my last weekend as an unmarried woman.




*My fiance's best man is the vocalist for Verdict. They are a little heavier than my normal taste, but these guys hold so much talent and so much passion. It blows you away every time, even if you don't normally listen to that sort of style. His best man writes most of the songs himself, as well as much of the actual music. It is an amazing skill I cannot even begin to wrap my head around.

Pre-Thanksgiving Post

Hey all! It has been a few days, but man have they been a packed few days. Friday night was sort of a disappointment. We went to see our friends play, but we all experienced some disequilibrium. Normally our guys play at about 10, possibly 11 pm. On Friday, though, it was sort of a last minute show in order to play with a band they won't be playing with again until January. I really love that band. They are called Vanattica, if you want to check them out. Their lead singer has a great voice, and to see them perform could give you chills. They just have a great chemistry, so I love watching. Anyway, our guys, Verdict, went on at 8:30!! They were done by 9:45. The bar was still open!! Not only was the bar still open, but it was "Hip-Hop" night afterward. Now come on! Tell me it's not the slightest bit weird to go from a rock/metal concert to "Hip-Hop." Needless to say, we were home and in bed by 11, and no one was missing work the next day. However, as I was still walking through the crowd with my hands over my head (just in case), it was a nice gig to get me comfortable with the setting again. I still have three stitches to show from the last show. Another sort of side note, I really appreciated the people that remembered that I was hit with a beer bottle and asked me how I was doing. I really am creating some of my very own stories! haha :)

Anyway, if any of you are following my big sister's blog "My Crazy Kids!" you would have read about the birthday party yesterday for two of her crazies. Her version is slightly different than mine, though, as I am less frantic. ;) I was severely late! Though it made her completely crazy, more so than before, I really appreciate her waiting for us. I was sooooo sad when she sent me a text that I had gotten the time wrong. I thought I had missed the whole thing. Big T can attest to the rant. :) I really enjoyed the party, though. We had about 20 people there, so it should have been a good night for the bowling alley compared to the ghosties they normally have bowling...My sister was there with her 6, and Keekee was there with her 2 (one that sort of 1/3 belongs to my sister...hahaha...I kill myself), obviously, S, the dad was there (somehow, it feels wrong to say "Big S" haha), and Z's buddy was there. Then Big T, Big M, and Big J came with me along with another little one. Now, my sister is not kidding when she says she doesn't normally even invite anyone else, but birthday parties and holidays always end up being a big blow out that send her over the edge because our mom just had waaaay too many kids. And look! She did it to hers, too. (Sorry, just had to slip that one in. haha) Anyway, it was very busy with us there, but we were entertained...if not by the exploding butt baby or the unicorn baby, than by the starving orphan and the rest of the circus. I even finished the birthday presents I was making for the kids. I made "Bake" a scarf with some boy colors, and I made "Ponch" a bright green and pink necklace and bracelet set that I really hope she likes. She has the same kind of fashion sense I did when I was her age, so I went with it. haha

After that birthday party, Big T and I went with my two brothers to a friend's house. We played that newer game Rock Band. It was pretty cool, but the drum set has a foot petal that they actually expect you to be coordinated enough to incorporate! You should all assume I gave up on that real quick. The night wasn't completely wasted, though. My big brother and I went to the back room and were messing around with my guitar.

Since I have started taking lessons and he loves to write and sing, we've been trying to come up with stuff. Last night, though, he was just telling me to play whatever was in my heart. Well, my heart was blank. It wasn't so much that, but my heart was happy, and I know that my big brother's heart isn't so much happy. I knew whatever I played would not coincide with what his heart feels. He's still dealing with the anger and bitterness from our mom dying...not just that but the pain as well. So, I did the best thing I could think of to force him to deal with it. I made myself remember that day. I made myself go through the motions of the day my mom died, and I made myself put that to music. It was really all over the place. I remembered being frantic so I strummed some dark sounding chords really fast, then I remembered her actual death, and the strumming was still dark but slower, much slower. Then I remembered us joking around and telling stories about mom, how we all were able to laugh, strangely, though our mom had just died. I played some lighter notes at a steady pace. That is wear my big brother jumped in. He started to sing, and I kept remembering, listening to his words, and planning my next step. When he would get louder, I would play my C or my G and strum really loud and fast, and when he would get softer, I would switch to my Am or E and strum slower and quieter. At some point, though, he said something that just grabbed my heart, and I stared to cry. There was another girl in the room. It was her house, but I think it was perfect that we shared this emotional moment with her. She told us yesterday that her mom had a brain biopsy done. She has tumors in her brain, her spine and some of her organs. They will know after this test if it is cancerous, though I feel like I already know that answer. I told her that my suggestion was not to sound morbid, but that she couldn't run from it like I did. She had to take every moment for granted and spend as much time with her mom as possible. This girl is my age, and already has a baby. To me, that is more devastating than it was for me because I don't have any children yet.

Anyway, for a split second, as I started to cry, I wondered, "Should I just stop?" Then, my musician's soul took over, and I couldn't stop. I just closed my eyes and cried, and my soul took over, directing my fingers to the chords, matching in perfect harmony with my older brother, both of us crying but never stopping. Then he got to another quiet part of the song, and I was playing softly. He didn't start up another line immediately, so I took it as my cue to end off the song. I strummed my last two quiet strums, and my hands dropped from my guitar. As I lifted them to my face, the girl and my brother ran to me and embraced me, all three of us crying and sharing that beautiful moment.

My mom had been there the whole time. Somewhere around the beginning, the lights had flickered, and I immediately thought, "She's here." I didn't tell anyone that because if she hadn't told them, they weren't meant to know. It was just the feeling I got. We had the tape recorder rolling, too. I'm sure it won't be as beautiful when it's not the actual experience, but at least we have it to look back on.

Oh yeah! The title of my post today comes from the fact that I am having an early Thanksgiving with Big T's family today! His sister is living around St. Louis, and this was the only time she could come up. We are having a special one for her. Then, on the actual day, I will go to my sister's, presumably, and then to Big T's again for another Thanksgiving that is geared more toward us that live here. It is exciting!! I can't believe it is that time of year again.

Sorry this is a four pager, haha, but I think a lot has happened, and when I don't post something ever day, it is bad news for all of you readers when I do get around to posting. :) Thanks guys!!

P.S. It is for that reason above that music is both a beautiful force and a terrifying factor in my life.