Hey Cosmo!

I follow a blog called "Views from the Coffee House" written by Cosmo in Dublin, Ireland. I am jealous of him for two reasons: because he gets to frequent the coffee house with the best espresso in all of Dublin and...because he lives in Dublin...So sad for me. So of course, when I was at my local Borders bookstore last night visiting with a cherished friend, I immediately thought of my fellow blogger, Cosmo when I saw this book:

This bargain just happened to make the book affordable. I am very excited because I very rarely read non-fiction. Recently, I learned that I should expand my reading library if I truly want to be a writer, and I should include some non-fiction in my library, even though I want to be a fiction author. So, here it is, and I think it is going to be very endearing. I have already read the first chapter, and I can say I am hooked and am enjoying the writing style of one Michael Gates Gill.

In other, non-coffee related news, I must report that life is going well right now. My fiance is in and out of work this month with his job going on hiatus...I mean...trying to save money and therefore closing for short periods of time. However, we are surviving, and I am becoming more hopeful that this is only going to affect this month's bills. That is a bigger blessing than I could have asked for. I really thought our whole summer would be affected by this. Also, he is interviewing for a different job next week, and if we find that it will be worth the 20 minute drive, I may be able to pursue my writing and my Etsy store sooner than I had imagined.

I am also reading "The Purpose Driven Life" right now. I am enjoying the process, and I am eager to learn God's purpose for me. I have been in prayer about keeping my eagerness and growing closer to God as I try to gain back a relationship we once had. I can't tell you how much it would streamline my life to understand God's purpose for me. I was confirmed a member of my church this past weekend, and I am 20-years-old making that decision. The rest of the confirmands were between the ages of 11 and 16. That decision weighed heavily on my heart, so I do sort of believe it was too big of a decision for young kids to make. That is just one person's opinion, though.

I am happy that I decided to become a member of the church, though. I am not thrilled about being in a denominational church because I am a firm believer that I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus and I praise Him for his sacrifice that we may all live and love a forgiving God, but I do not agree with the different "denominational" rules. I really did enjoy the simplicity of a large group of people coming together to worship God when I was in a non-denominational church. However, I feel at home in this church, and I feel called to be here. My church is about to see some very hard times and make some very difficult decisions, and I am glad to be a part of that. I am praying I can be a voice and a light for change, as I believe that is something I am being called to this church for. God has a plan, and I am just trying to follow where He leads.

So, to all my prayer folk out there, please keep me in your prayers as I seek my purpose in God. If you want to pray specifically, please pray for my patience, peace, understanding, and eagerness to endure through this process. Also, I feel as though God is really trying to teach me about focus, so keep that in your prayers as well. I have used my lack of focus as a crutch and an excuse for a long time, but I am certainly at an age to be able to control that. I think God is telling me that it is time to take control of my thoughts.

If you would like to check out Cosmo's blog, by the way, and I certainly recommend it to anyone who delights in reading someone else's interesting and sometimes fleeting thoughts, follow this link.

http://regularlatte.blogspot.com/

I also want to mention that my cherished friend and I had gone our separate ways last night. She mentioned that she had to make her rounds about the store to make sure there wasn't anything else she "[didn't] need" (her exact words, not my own!) before she checked out with her book, the one that her nephew illustrated, to the left here. I went off to the restroom, as I had practically chugged a Chocolate Coffee Crunch JavaKula from the Seattle's Best cafe. We ended up at the check out late at exactly the same moment, and she was first. As she was checking out, I walked up close, completely unintentionally, and I realized she too had picked up the above mentioned Starbucks book. I gasped and pointed out that I had the very same book. As we laughed together, she said the ever famous saying, "Great minds..." Yet, as my fiance and I walked out, he jokingly chided that he had in fact considered slipping an a "Psychotic minds think alike." How about that? What is that all about? Psychotic? Please... ... ...

He just knows me too well. :)

Book Review

This past weekend, while I was slowly enjoying the aisles of my local Borders bookstore, I happened upon this little treasure. At first, I saw it and continued walking. Yet, as I was just a single pace away from this book, it dawned on me just who exactly Beatrix Potter was. I stopped in my tracks and backtracked to the place where this treasure sat upon a shelf...in the clearance section, even.

I was lucky enough to be able to purchase this journal of the pop-up version for only five dollars and some change. I didn't have the time to sit and read this short book until today. I was in for an adventure in being awed. This woman has an amazing story. I remember being a tiny little girl and reading her stories of Peter Rabbit. Upon finding this, my fiance told me he too remembered reading her books. We shared a definite moment of nostalgia.

I then began to explain to him that my Peter Rabbit and other Beatrix Potter books had been left at my mom's house. After she died, I never even questioned whether she still had them. To this day, I still do not know if they were shipped off to the Salvation Army, and I am sad to realize I will never have my own Beatrix Potter books back. However, my fiance says his Beatrix Potter books still exist in his mom's upstairs "library." I cannot wait to see if they are truly still there. Until then, though, I am going to check Ebay possibly, or even Etsy, to see if anyone has some vintage copies they are wanting to be rid of. I hope someday my little ones, assuming I have some little ones someday, will enjoy these purely simple pleasures as much as I did.

Also today, I was able to read a little further in 1984. I have started reading this book after it was suggested by another author I am reading. Currently, I am very interested in writing a book of my own, though I haven't the slightest idea what genre I will write in or even what my book will be about. I picked up "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing a Novel" a few weeks ago, again at my local Borders bookstore. I have been reading that regularly, and he is teaching me a vast amount of knowledge I need to know about writing a novel, and I am finding it to be very rewarding as well. I have always loved to read, and as I grow and mature, I am finding myself to be more and more interested in the classics. It is a wonderful journey to be on.

Anyway, my point was to talk about two small sections I read in 1984 today, a futuristic political novel written by George Orwell just after World War II. The first line I would like to quote is speaking about the main character of the book whom in the first 25 pages of my book is experiencing mixed emotions about "Big Brother" and his desire for individuality, which has all been all but completely thwarted out of him by the government. I found this line to be so bold and it so deeply resonates with loneliness that I simply must share it with someone. Here it is: "He felt as though he were wandering in the forests of the sea bottom, lost in a monstrous world where he himself was the monster."

This line is so strong with emotion. George Orwell could have written simply that his main character "...felt as though he were wandering in the forests..." and still made a point that this character felt alone and even somewhat lost. What really blew me away was the sequence of words just after this phrase: "...of the sea bottom..." How often do you find yourself wandering in the forest alone? Now, as I assume you do not find yourself alone in the forest often, I must ask, how often do you find yourself wandering the forest at the bottom of the sea? I can't say I have ever found myself in such a predicament.

I can only imagine a forest at the bottom of a sea. It is dark. It is cold. You cannot see farther than inches in front of you. Long, slimy stalks of seaweed are swaying all around you, their tips reaching above your head. You are afraid to move, yet you are afraid of not moving. It is an unknown world all around you.

From there, I had to dissect the rest of the phrase: "...lost in a monstrous world where he himself was the monster." This main character, called Winston, is struggling very much emotionally with the burden of his thoughts. He is not allowed to voice his opinions without being secretly arrested and having his existence completely wiped away, so he is left to muddle through his thoughts all on his own. He feels as though he is in a world that is not his own. Have you ever experienced the eerie feeling that someone is watching you, stalking up behind you? I believe this might be how Winston is feeling at this moment. However, have you ever felt that pair of eyes staring you down, following your every move, were your own eyes? Winston knows something is lurking, and that lurking thing is himself. I feel very much foreshadowing in this line alone. I predict, and please don't tell me if you know, that Winston will soon not be able to keep his emotions and thoughts bottled up inside. He will eventually have to express his thoughts and opinions aloud.

Now, I know you are probably bored with reading at this point, but if you have stuck through, I do appreciate you valuing my opinion. There is only one other section I wanted to express my thoughts about. This one is a little longer, and it is on the mirroring page of the last phrase I dissected. It is just as profound, though. Again, here it is: "He was a lonely ghost uttering a truth that nobody would ever hear. But so long as he uttered it, in some obscure way the continuity was not broken. It was not by making yourself heard but by staying sane that you carried on the human heritage."

Again, this theme of loneliness is obvious, but that is not the most profound part to me. Winston is finding some strange sort of peace in simply writing out his thoughts. This whole idea of writing his thoughts in a diary completely terrifies him, but he knows he must do it, even though it will certainly mean his death when it is discovered. At this point, I almost begin to doubt my previous prediction that Winston will eventually have to make his thoughts heard, but I still, at this point, feel as though this is a valid prediction. The peace Winston is finding in writing out his thoughts is this sanity he is speaking of. He believes, at this point, that he will not have to speak out against the government he lives under. He believes if he simply keeps himself sane, he can keep himself alive. If he speaks out, however, he will be "vaporized," wiped from the face of the earth as if he never existed at all. He will never have the chance to pass his views onto the next generation. No matter how impossible a task that seems to be, Winston still seems to have hope early in the game that he will get to pass his ideas onto the next generation. He still hopes for change.

Part of him knows this will most likely never come to pass, and I as the reader want to have hope for him. However, I don't see how he can possibly get past his overpowering meddling government.

I am certainly in for an interesting and quite thought-provoking read.

I am well.

Here I am, sitting on my couch in my somewhat messy living room reflecting on the past week of my life.

I can't quite remember the last time I felt so down...lost...painful...sad...gone...and sick. I was so sick, but I am finally better...in all aspects.

A friend of mine is losing her mother, and it sends me reeling into a very dark and scary world. I am at a loss as to why death can not always be peaceful and quiet...and quick. I am anxious for the impending pain, grief, loss, and sadness that will overcome my friend and her family. However, I prefer to think I can put aside my selfishness, realizing that my mom is in fact gone, but she is still always with me. I want to know I can be there for my friend even though we are still relatively new friends. I want to make my own mom proud by being strong.

I had avoided writing about this topic because I didn't want to re-visit my old foe Death. I also didn't know how to simply state how I was feeling without giving away too much information. It is a very confusing place to be in, but I am moving away from that place now.

Yesterday, I made up for a whole week of sitting in the house. We saw Disney's Earth with Big T's parents, his sister, and her boyfriend. It was fascinating. I can't say I would have ever chosen to watch it on my own, and that is simply because I worried it would be a depressing story about global warming and my foe Death running its course through the natural world. Disney, however, depicted this world that we urbanites are so unaccustomed to very well. It is a fantastic movie for children and adults. It is not in the least bit gory. You are left to assume that a creature dies in most instances, and you never actually see an animal die. I was very happy for this, and I think it is a great movie to take children to. It doesn't expose them to anything they are not ready for, but it opens their eyes to the absolutely, mind-blowing, vastness of the world around us in a fantastic manner.

There were scenes that showed multiple water falls, giant masses of water, all falling into one gaping hole. There was such an overwhelming majestic power in those waters. I simply cannot get over it. On the way home, I explained to Big T that I am amazed and terrified in the same instant upon seeing those waters. I am amazed that something so natural and bare can hold such an awesome power, and I am terrified that something so natural and bare can hold such an awesome power. It has the power to quench the world over of all its thirsts. Yet it also has the power to completely erase your existence should you somehow manage to fall in. It also terrifies me because I have no control over it. I would never in my wildest dreams get into a helicopter and fly over this mass of waterfalls for fear that the helicopter would crash into the abyss, but to see it in such splendor of the digital big screen...that was well worth the matinee price.

Big T and I both got some extremely overdue haircuts yesterday. Big T has long hair, longer than mine, and we cut it up to his shoulders. It looks so much better, healthier. It feels so nice to have healthy hair.

After our haircuts we spent a few hours using my new book, "Eat This, Not That: Supermarkets" to shop for groceries, and I have to say, we walked away with a fantastic selection of food. Tonight, we are trying turkey burgers with Swiss, guacamole, and tomato. I've been hearing lately that guacamole is a healthy replacement to mayo, and I am very curious. It looks delicious in the picture, and I think it will be delicious on the plate. I'll even take pics!

Everyone, have a good day! I am off to eat some food...real solid food!!

Sentimental

I started a blog a little while ago because I was overwhelmed with sadness and I couldn't figure out why. Big surprise, though. I just didn't want to figure out why. Then, as if God saw my sadness and wanted to give me a little push to deal with it instead of ignore it, Big T came into the living room, kissed me, and sat down next to me. He asked me what was wrong, and I started to cry. Before I go on, I need to say something because it is very important for me to say this. I used to have times like this, and I'm sure there will be more times like this where I just miss my mom. However, this time, I knew that saying I missed my mom would just be a cop out. Today, I was sad because I had been bitingly rude to Big T, and he didn't deserve it at all. I had called him on the way home from my sister's house and asked him what he was up to. He said he was going to his buddy's house, and instantly, I shut him out. Lately, all of our arguments have been about him being gone all the time. This time, though, he was just going over there because I wasn't home. Anyway, he had already told me there was a movie coming on tonight that he wanted to watch, but in my selfish (nooooo! not me! *sarcasm*) ways, I had expected him to drop his plans and watch a movie with me tonight. I completely flipped on him and started rambling on about how I was sorry I wanted to hang out with him and sorry I wanted to watch a movie with him and sorry I wanted him at home tonight and I just hoped he had fun at his buddy's house, even though he hadn't even left for his buddy's house.

Yesterday was wonderful, truly wonderful. I have come to understand that I am really sad to see this weekend end because I am afraid that yesterday was just a fleeting day in the wind. We went to Hobby Lobby, and I got $50.00 in credit. I got more yarn to make more socks and baby hats. I got a scrapbook album to scrapbook my holiday pictures in. I also got some more glass beads to make bracelets for a breast cancer research fundraiser I am participating in on Thursday this week. We spent quite a long time in Hobby Lobby, and the whole time, Big T was just walking around with me, browsing with me, talking with me, and laughing with me. He didn't complain once. When he got bored, he just wondered around a bit and found me wherever he assumed I'd be next. He just let me wonder, and when we left, I had spent more money than I intended, but I was so content. I am feeling very sentimentally attached to yesterday because it is the first time in a long time that I experienced those reasons I fell head over heels for Big T. He is observant, laid back, comfortable in his skin, funny, a wonderful listener, and my cosmic balance. I am a list maker, high strung, oblivious, self-conscious, and a jumper to conclusions. We do something special for each other.

Anyway, after that, we went to Borders, one of our local bookstores. It's part of a chain, so I'm sure others of you have heard of it. We browsed for books, and I didn't find the one I had been looking for, the one called "Love as a Way of Life." I figure I'll just order it from a neighboring town's library or borrow it from the friend that recommended it. We both found a few things we wanted to sit down with, though, and we headed to the cafe and got drinks. Big T likes to read, but he doesn't do it much at home, usually only when we go to the bookstore. I love how we can just pick to of the big comfy chairs and sit next to each other reading and sipping our drinks, though. There is something so peaceful and romantic about not having to say anything to each other. Just being close is enough to bring contentment.

On a side note, I have to tell you fellow knitter/crocheters about the book I found. It is called "Hooked on Murder," and it is a crochet mystery. There were also knitting mysteries. This book is sort of a comedic twist on a murder mystery, and though I have only read through the first chapter, it has me hooked. (haha, I did not even mean to make that pun. sorry for the hint of lameness that just showed through.) The very first page sets the murder scene, but it's not a creepy murder scene. The added bonus of crochet makes it humorous. If anyone wants to know the publisher, I will be glad to share it with you. I'm sure it will be a good read, and the best part is it was cheap. It's a paperback, (my personal favorite because you can bend the binding and really get that sophisticated reader look when your book is all tattered from how much use it got) and it was only six or seven dollars. The book also came with a free recipe for butter cream icing (it fits in the story, but to find out how, you'll just have to pick it up) and a free pattern for a granny square. It's a nice, cozy little package, if you ask me.

We also ventured to Micheal's for a knitting/crocheting accessory that I really wanted to try out. Others of you may not be insanely impressed, but because I own a cat, I think it is fantastic. It is basically a cylindrical tube with clear plastic that you stick your yarn balls in. It has a grommet hole on each end for your yarn to feed through, and your yarn ball never comes undone, rolls off the seat or your lap onto the floor of the SUV you happen to be riding in ;), or gets tangled. I am a fool for convenience when it comes to tangled yarn! After Michael's, it was off to Wal-mart for a few groceries and, you'll never guess, some knitting looms for Big T! He has made two hats of his own so far and is working on a third as we speak. He makes hints every so often that we should sell hats, but I don't care about money. I care about the people I make the hats for, and he does too. He's giving one to one of his best friends, and he helped me pick out some yarn for a mutual friend of ours that would like a hat. He even offered to make it for me if I didn't have the time. It is wonderful to have something we can do together.

We didn't watch the movie we were going to last night, either. Instead, we hung out with friends and my two brothers. I finished my blue fuzzy loom socks and gave them to Momma B's husband today. He says they look weird, but that didn't stop him from wearing them all day and making sure his daughter saw them. Momma B says he is all about comfort and function in the house, but outside of the house he is about how things look. He had to give me a hard time about them, or it wouldn't have been him. It just shows me he really likes them. :) I have already started my next pair, but I can't talk about those just yet. ;)

Anyway, I know this blog is extra long, but I really just wanted to reassure all of you that my day went so great yesterday. It's a hard thing to explain, love, but I feel warm, comfortable, intensely happy, beautiful, peaceful, and safe. There are many other things I feel, but I think that list is concise and best describes the way I feel about Big T. I am so glad to have a man that does not run scared every time I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. He didn't run after my mom died, and though Big T only got to know my mom for six months before she died, I think she knew he was the one. I think it made it easier for her to sleep at night knowing he was around, and I think it made it easier to leave this world knowing he would keep me safe. I do miss her insanely, but right now, I am most sad that I am not sitting in her terribly cluttered dining room, with our crazy, hyper lab, Chloe lying at my feet after one of her excited laps through the house, tell her face to face that I think he is the one. She's here with me now, though, and I think she knows that, too. :)