He is granting me Peace...somehow.

This weekend was pretty nice and so vastly different from this very same weekend last year. Last year, I was still in classes, frantically trying to catch up on all the homework I decided I wouldn't do all semester long before my finals. Last year, my very good friend Dusti stayed with me to ease the blow of spending my first Mother's Day without my mother. Last year, I was still angry and feeling a lot of pain. Last year, we had just moved back to our home town. Last year, we were cramped into a tiny apartment that I could never keep clean or feel at ease in.

This year is definitely different. I'm not in classes right now. I'm getting married. We have a much roomier apartment. I spent half the day with my Grandma and half the day with my fiance's mom. I finished a pair of fingerless gloves for a birthday present as well as one dishcloth that will be part of a set for a graduation/birthday/housewarming gift. I only cried a little, and I could feel my mom's presence around me all day, very much so when I was going to sleep last night.

However, none of these things are why I am in need of Peace. I am in need of Peace because my fiance's job is very rocky right now. They already let go of about 100 people about a month ago. They thought, moronically in my opinion, that the end of winter would bring them more business. A change in seasons does not bring a change in the wallet, though. Money does not bud with the flowers. In short, a sunny new season did not bring in more money for them, either. As of this morning, they have walked out another 10 or so people. They will probably continue walking out people through the afternoon and possibly tomorrow. The plant is closing for the week of the 25th to June 1st. They will then close again for 2 weeks to a month from about mid June to mid July.

Did I mention we are supposed to be getting married? I have already purchased a dress. He has already put a deposit on his tux. My bridesmaids have ordered their dresses for the most part. The groomsmen have put their deposit on their tuxes. None of that money can be refunded now. I am absolutely terrified we will have to postpone our wedding or get married in the courthouse, and all of our friends will be out their money. I don't want to put anyone else through the stress we are already dealing with just so we can pull off a wedding. At this point, things are starting to look really grim, and I can honestly say I don't know what to do.

Part of me wants to look deep inside myself and re-evaluate what I really want and expect out of this wedding. I never wanted a big wedding. I am really not fond of the idea of everyone staring at me. I don't like the pressure it is putting on people to come up with money they don't have. I don't want to make a speech.

I do want to look and feel beautiful. I do want to have a celebration with my friends and family. I do want to escape with my fiance/future husband. I do want to have fun and remember our wedding day fondly. I do want to experience the least amount of anxiety possible.

I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be great. I hate feeling such dread when I think of a day that is supposed to be so wonderful.