Engulfed

Is there not a fire around all of us?
We are trying frantically to get out.
We know this is killing us.
We know we need to find a different way.
We are suffocating.
It's just to hard to go on.
Where is everyone?
I need someone to help me.
Why would they leave me when I need them the most?
We lay down.
We accept our fate.
It hurts...
But it will all be over soon.
-In Memory of Madisyn Moore and Shanna Radakovich

Sometimes life can feel so overwhelming that I just want to give up. Today sort of feels like one of those days. I feel as though I envision someone else's sorrow so much and imagine how exactly I would feel if it were me in their place that I end up feeling as though I had gone through their exact situation. Today, I am exhausted. I couldn't tell you what I dreamt about last night, but I woke up thinking about Madisyn and Shanna. I didn't know these girls, but I can't stop my imagination from running, thinking about their lives, their friends, their thoughts, what they wanted to do in life, what they had been talking about at their sleep over, any angle my head comes up with. I feel sick with grief, for their mothers especially.

This past week, I have heard of four deaths in this small community. People are going to die every day, people all over the world. There is nothing I can do to stop that. However, I deeply wish that I could stop the amount of pain that results from the trauma of a death. No one deserves to live with the questions, the guilts, the what ifs, and no one deserves to feel so helpless and worthless as they sometimes do when they lose someone.

Today, my soul sits inside my body, weeping for those that are about to experience some of the most tumultuous times of their lives. I wish I could join my soul in the abyss that is inside me, but I have to keep moving, if for nothing else, than for fear of losing myself again.

Pre-Thanksgiving Post

Hey all! It has been a few days, but man have they been a packed few days. Friday night was sort of a disappointment. We went to see our friends play, but we all experienced some disequilibrium. Normally our guys play at about 10, possibly 11 pm. On Friday, though, it was sort of a last minute show in order to play with a band they won't be playing with again until January. I really love that band. They are called Vanattica, if you want to check them out. Their lead singer has a great voice, and to see them perform could give you chills. They just have a great chemistry, so I love watching. Anyway, our guys, Verdict, went on at 8:30!! They were done by 9:45. The bar was still open!! Not only was the bar still open, but it was "Hip-Hop" night afterward. Now come on! Tell me it's not the slightest bit weird to go from a rock/metal concert to "Hip-Hop." Needless to say, we were home and in bed by 11, and no one was missing work the next day. However, as I was still walking through the crowd with my hands over my head (just in case), it was a nice gig to get me comfortable with the setting again. I still have three stitches to show from the last show. Another sort of side note, I really appreciated the people that remembered that I was hit with a beer bottle and asked me how I was doing. I really am creating some of my very own stories! haha :)

Anyway, if any of you are following my big sister's blog "My Crazy Kids!" you would have read about the birthday party yesterday for two of her crazies. Her version is slightly different than mine, though, as I am less frantic. ;) I was severely late! Though it made her completely crazy, more so than before, I really appreciate her waiting for us. I was sooooo sad when she sent me a text that I had gotten the time wrong. I thought I had missed the whole thing. Big T can attest to the rant. :) I really enjoyed the party, though. We had about 20 people there, so it should have been a good night for the bowling alley compared to the ghosties they normally have bowling...My sister was there with her 6, and Keekee was there with her 2 (one that sort of 1/3 belongs to my sister...hahaha...I kill myself), obviously, S, the dad was there (somehow, it feels wrong to say "Big S" haha), and Z's buddy was there. Then Big T, Big M, and Big J came with me along with another little one. Now, my sister is not kidding when she says she doesn't normally even invite anyone else, but birthday parties and holidays always end up being a big blow out that send her over the edge because our mom just had waaaay too many kids. And look! She did it to hers, too. (Sorry, just had to slip that one in. haha) Anyway, it was very busy with us there, but we were entertained...if not by the exploding butt baby or the unicorn baby, than by the starving orphan and the rest of the circus. I even finished the birthday presents I was making for the kids. I made "Bake" a scarf with some boy colors, and I made "Ponch" a bright green and pink necklace and bracelet set that I really hope she likes. She has the same kind of fashion sense I did when I was her age, so I went with it. haha

After that birthday party, Big T and I went with my two brothers to a friend's house. We played that newer game Rock Band. It was pretty cool, but the drum set has a foot petal that they actually expect you to be coordinated enough to incorporate! You should all assume I gave up on that real quick. The night wasn't completely wasted, though. My big brother and I went to the back room and were messing around with my guitar.

Since I have started taking lessons and he loves to write and sing, we've been trying to come up with stuff. Last night, though, he was just telling me to play whatever was in my heart. Well, my heart was blank. It wasn't so much that, but my heart was happy, and I know that my big brother's heart isn't so much happy. I knew whatever I played would not coincide with what his heart feels. He's still dealing with the anger and bitterness from our mom dying...not just that but the pain as well. So, I did the best thing I could think of to force him to deal with it. I made myself remember that day. I made myself go through the motions of the day my mom died, and I made myself put that to music. It was really all over the place. I remembered being frantic so I strummed some dark sounding chords really fast, then I remembered her actual death, and the strumming was still dark but slower, much slower. Then I remembered us joking around and telling stories about mom, how we all were able to laugh, strangely, though our mom had just died. I played some lighter notes at a steady pace. That is wear my big brother jumped in. He started to sing, and I kept remembering, listening to his words, and planning my next step. When he would get louder, I would play my C or my G and strum really loud and fast, and when he would get softer, I would switch to my Am or E and strum slower and quieter. At some point, though, he said something that just grabbed my heart, and I stared to cry. There was another girl in the room. It was her house, but I think it was perfect that we shared this emotional moment with her. She told us yesterday that her mom had a brain biopsy done. She has tumors in her brain, her spine and some of her organs. They will know after this test if it is cancerous, though I feel like I already know that answer. I told her that my suggestion was not to sound morbid, but that she couldn't run from it like I did. She had to take every moment for granted and spend as much time with her mom as possible. This girl is my age, and already has a baby. To me, that is more devastating than it was for me because I don't have any children yet.

Anyway, for a split second, as I started to cry, I wondered, "Should I just stop?" Then, my musician's soul took over, and I couldn't stop. I just closed my eyes and cried, and my soul took over, directing my fingers to the chords, matching in perfect harmony with my older brother, both of us crying but never stopping. Then he got to another quiet part of the song, and I was playing softly. He didn't start up another line immediately, so I took it as my cue to end off the song. I strummed my last two quiet strums, and my hands dropped from my guitar. As I lifted them to my face, the girl and my brother ran to me and embraced me, all three of us crying and sharing that beautiful moment.

My mom had been there the whole time. Somewhere around the beginning, the lights had flickered, and I immediately thought, "She's here." I didn't tell anyone that because if she hadn't told them, they weren't meant to know. It was just the feeling I got. We had the tape recorder rolling, too. I'm sure it won't be as beautiful when it's not the actual experience, but at least we have it to look back on.

Oh yeah! The title of my post today comes from the fact that I am having an early Thanksgiving with Big T's family today! His sister is living around St. Louis, and this was the only time she could come up. We are having a special one for her. Then, on the actual day, I will go to my sister's, presumably, and then to Big T's again for another Thanksgiving that is geared more toward us that live here. It is exciting!! I can't believe it is that time of year again.

Sorry this is a four pager, haha, but I think a lot has happened, and when I don't post something ever day, it is bad news for all of you readers when I do get around to posting. :) Thanks guys!!

P.S. It is for that reason above that music is both a beautiful force and a terrifying factor in my life.

Those Women...

I don't have a three page long blog today. It is just a simple blog to express my great love of those special women in my life. I find pieces of them reflecting in my daily life, pieces I never knew we had in common. Tonight, we got together, some of us. I was, and will continue to be the youngest. While they all share their stories, I laugh along as if I have a clue. All the while I am learning about the world, being a sponge to their waterfall of experience. They are all so beautiful to me, my big sisters, my friends, my mommies. I always wonder if they realize what all they are to me. I learn from them, even in areas you would never think one could learn. I know this all very vague, but the happenings of our Girls' Nights are for us to know, not even to be disclosed amongst the blogging world. I always leave blissful, knowing that so much love could fill one room or one house or one heart, and feel as though I should go home and take notes over everything I learned. :) I won't take notes. I will store the memories of these beautiful women away in my brain, and I will continue to take their words out as they become necessary. Just as I hear my mom's voice constantly, without even being conscious of it many times, I will hear all the voices of these women whispering their kind words, the powerful words, their words of hatred toward anyone that breaks my heart ;), and their words of compassion. In one night, we experienced laughter, love, and joy, reflection, sadness and pain, and deepened a bond that will never be let go. I never would have thought that losing my mom would have brought about all of this in my life, but Mom is always here with me, always having her hand in my life, always guiding me and teaching me. Though I cannot see her, it is times like these, when all of us very different women get together, when I see all the aspects of my mother and feel her essence the strongest. Somewhere in the "cosmos" I think that is the point.

Oh Happy Days!!

Today was one of the most fantastic days of my life! It has been a long time since I felt so ecstatic. First of all, my morning started off very nice. Big T rolled over at 6am this morning, when his alarm went off for work, put his arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. I said, "Hmmm...Let's just stay like this aaallll day." Of course, his first response was, "I have some sick time." :) Anyway, I had classes today, so, obviously, I couldn't stay home all day. He however, did choose to stay home, and he cleaned!!! Our bedroom was a complete disaster. If I had a before picture, I would shamefully show you all just to show you how much work he did to clean it back up. Now, many of you may think that the mess was his fault, and that is why he was going to clean it. Oh no! This story gets even better. The mess in the bedroom is MY FAULT! I know that is terrible, but my philosophy has always been, "I can avoid my bedroom and shut the door." I always worry about the rest of my house before I worry about my bedroom. Then, it gets to the point where you can no longer see the floor, and you begin to wonder if it ever really existed, or if it was just a figment of your imagination. You are probably appalled, but I am just trying to be honest. I really want to exalt how much work Big T really did and how much I truly appreciate it. The bed is made and Febreezed (I swear by the stuff, and he remembered!). The floor really, truly does exist, and my clothes are stacked for me to put in my closet. My shoes are even all placed back in the shoe hanger in the closet. I know you ladies are all thinking, "What a man!!" I have to wholeheartedly agree. He is a very special breed, a needle in a haystack, if you will, and I cherish him! ;)

Now onto another topic. I VOTED today!! I am a woman. I am 19 years old, and IIIIII VOTED! I learned about women being able to vote and how recent a right it is, but when I learned it in school, it just didn't pack a punch. However, today, when I walked through those doors and saw women sitting handing out ballots, a woman in front of me filling out the application for her ballot, and some elderly women in the other line waiting to get their ballots, I was filled with a feeling of complete triumph. I had no idea what I was doing. I walked in with my voter registration card, not knowing if I needed it to vote. After I filled my application for a ballot out, I was ready to head over to the little closet thing to vote. I had envisioned the little hole poking things I heard about when I was little, nervous about a "hanging Chad." It turns out, we are slightly more advanced now, and we fill them out with a felt tip black marker, somewhat like taking a test. That increased the stakes a little for me. My mind was racing. "What if I fill in the wrong bubble? This is my very first ballot ever. I can't mess it up. What would that say about me as an American (with the word "American" booming in loud speakers, HA!)?" I did fill out my ballot, perfectly, if I do say so myself. Then I made three attempts to slide it into the black mechanical box before I finally got it to go. It was so fast. I mean, that box just ate up my very first ballot. My decision is forever set in stone. I handed in my black felt tip marker, thanked the ladies for their help, said hello to a man I knew, and walked out to my car, where I was overcome with the desire to send a mass text message to all the women in my life to tell them about my very important voting venture. All before 9 am and my morning coffee, AMAZING! To be a woman...all those years I complained. ;)

So of course, my school day was already set up to be fantastic. God was full of good blessings for me today! I went to my Psychology of Child Development class this morning and enjoyed a good discussion. Afterward, I went to my professor's office hours and talked to her about work I had been missing, only to realize I was only missing one thing. That was great! I then talked to her about taking a break from school, as I had said I wanted to do in one of my first blogs. She had much to say, and I valued her opinion. Overall, she wanted me to follow my heart. If that includes school or not, she said, was something I would have to learn. I then went to my Latin American class and thought about my decision. After that, I decided to go back to the academic adviser I had spoken to last week. I withdrew from my speech class, and I am now officially a part time student. I already feel more relaxed, though I am nervous for change and what it will bring for me. I am so ready to take a dive and experience life, though. I am ready to see what I want out of life, what I have to offer. I am going to contact a lady with the food bank close to my hometown. They are starting up a project in December or February that I would love to be apart of. I have a lot of hopes for my time off. I haven't yet decided if I will take a full break or if I will just take one or two classes that go along with helping people, service learning classes, psych classes or sociology classes. I am so ready to try something new for awhile and follow a schedule that is designed for me, not just a schedule that will get me out of school faster or to a degree faster. I want to enjoy my life along the way, not get to the degree and realize my life was a blur. We are never guaranteed tomorrow, so today is the best time to embrace life.

Finally, as sort of a kick off to my new freedoms and enjoying life, I have made a new necklace and finished the scarf I was working on to donate to needy children. I haven't had time to make any jewelery for myself for awhile, and I certainly can't afford to buy any. It was a nice reward, and finishing the scarf and envisioning some child wearing it to keep their little neck warm is a huge highlight! I am sure you have all had way more than enough of my glee, but I just wanted to share the joy. It has been such a long time since I had so much happiness to report, and I know, if any of you are like me, if you are having a bad day, you are ready to choke me for being so happy. Just come back and read this when you are happier, and it will mean more. HA!

Emotional Breakdown

It's funny the way the events of another person's life affect us emotionally. A lady I work with is losing her mom today. In the time that I have worked in my hometown, only about 8 months, this will be the second co-worker that will lose her mother. The first woman was my manager. She didn't ever get too emotional about it at work, and I didn't know if her mom had been sick or just elderly. I felt for her, knowing what it was like to wake up and need to call your mom only to realize you couldn't, but I didn't break down. However, today, it was agonizing, and still is, though I have had a good cry to help clear it out a little.

My co-workers mom has had Alzheimer's for quite awhile, and the family had been told she probably wouldn't make it through the rest of the week. She said she woke up every hour throughout the night last night sure she was going to be getting that dreaded phone call. She didn't get it in the night, though. She got it at work today. The family was told to assemble and say goodbye. I remember getting the phone call. I remember the utter panic, the tear at my heart. Do I tell her it is all right for her to leave me or do I freak and beg her to stay? My heart answered that for me, though my brain was telling me I was throwing myself to the wolves. I told her it was ok, and it shattered my heart and soul. After she died, the guilt rose up in me every single day for months on end. What if? It was terrible.

My co-worker said it was like losing her mom twice. She lost her once when her mom forgot who she was, and now, she is losing her again. This time, she won't be able to go back and visit a woman who doesn't have a clue who she is, but still means the world to her. The finality is almost the worst part, wondering how you are going to go on with your life, what it will be like not to see them anymore. She told me that just because she was older didn't make it easier, and I told her I knew. Just because her mom was sick didn't make it easier, and I knew.

We want our mommies to live forever, to always be our superheroes, to always drive us crazy, to always smile at us warmly and accept us no matter what crazy mistake we had made. No one in the world loves you like your mom does. No one knows you like your mom does. I felt like a piece of me had gone with her when she died, and I was helpless to retrieve it. I don't want any of you to feel as though I haven't been able to move on in my life, though it has only been a little over a year. I have, but there will always be things in life that bring it back to me.

It is a terrible thing to lose a mother, whether or not she can even remember who you are. You remember who she is, and you always remember how much you loved her and she, you. Please keep this woman in your thoughts. Right now, she is no longer a grown woman, but a little girl again, wishing she could make it all go away.

Poke, Twist, Pull ;)

Ohhhh, I just love titles! Yesterday, after I so dreadfully went to work, I came home. That seems reasonable, right. :) Anyway, on my way home, I called my boyfriend, Big T, even though it only takes me about 3 minutes to get home from work. It's an impulse thing. I have to do things as I think of them, otherwise, certain doom will overtake the earth and kill us all, all except me because I must be left to live with the guilt of what I have brought to the people of earth by not making that phone call RIGHT NOW!

Anyway, so in my phone call with Big T, I am telling him that I want to go see a movie. I am just in the mood to go to Winetown..(haha, that's kind of nerdy, but it's kind of a funny play on words if you have any clue what city I was really going to. dumb. haha) About ten minutes after I get home, and we blankly stare at each other ( I was getting the, I don't want to go with you vibe), my biggest big sister (haha, making fun of you! and you can't poke my eyes out) in the world texts me to see if I want to go to Winetown with her. "Fantastic!!" I think. We've got to be on some alternate wavelength together and completely alone. haha That or it was shear coincidence. Who believes in coincidence, though? Please...

So, she comes to pick me up in the "bus" that transports her 1000 kids, no joke, and the three of us, my big sister and I, and the Meeeeeeeeema you all know and love, all go to Winetown to buy things we can't afford. ;)

While that was certainly worthwhile, and for whatever crazy lunatic reason, I really do enjoy the seldom quiet times with my biggest big sister in the world, it was not the best part. That came after we got back to her house. Here comes the punch line: I was re-teaching her to crochet. HA! From here on out, I will describe in steps how this was just pre-destined to not work:

1. My biggest big sister is left handed...Every book in the world, every tool in the world, every thought in the world is made for us NORMAL right handers. She looked at the book with a look of utter disgust as she tried to reverse all of the information to make it legible. Then, I, being the littlest little sister I am, tried to help. That resulted in knot one, knot two, and a loud (insert your own curse word here). It was all in good fun, though.

2. My biggest big sister has a 10 month old siamese twin. No her 10 month old is not a siamese. She is attached to her mother's hip. Come on people, catch up! Between the feeding, the grunting, the crying, and the rolling over of toes in those baby pain facilitators (walkers) my biggest big sister still managed to make a.......scarf. (Her words were "neck belt," which, needless to say, I was rolling on the floor about."

3. My biggest big sister has five other little devils roaming around her house. (We tried to have the place blessed, and, to our shock and dismay, haha, those little devils came back with more of their friends. We try to live our lives around them, but it can be difficult. :)) Her big girl, Big A proceeded to question what it was we were doing. I, somewhere along the line, had pulled up YouTube to find a left handed crocheting tutorial. Not applying her usual wiz-kid ways, Big A asks, "Why does that say left handed crotch-et?" Again, I am pictured here rolling on the floor. Cue stomach cramping and tears. Crotch-et? Oh come on guys, that's funny!

4. My biggest big sister is a bull. No, I don't mean like a real bull. She refuses to start over. Her...scarf...was very tight in the first row. Though she wasn't even done with her first row, and it would have been very easy to start over, she blatantly refused! She continued to crochet just like that, and upon her second row, she said to me, "I see what you mean about not being able to get the hook back through." That was license for me to make fun of her the rest of the night.

When I left my biggest big sister's siamese devil circus, my SCARF looked like this:
Her scarf looked like this ~~'~~~'--'~~. Haha. I didn't get a picture of her scarf, but all I could tell her was, "You're killing me." After which she would say, "Whaaat?! Shut up." It was really an eventful day, and I learned a lot. The most important lesson I learned, though, was that I will not be waving any red capes around at my biggest big sister's house. ;)

Ahhh, The Morning After

Ha! You are so caught! You thought I was going to talk about something gross. Anyway, I am just going to make fun of myself a little bit. ;) This morning, I didn't want to get up and go to work. I don't particularly like working Saturdays anyway because it just feels wrong in the cosmos somewhere. haha In the banking world, though, our work day only consists of three hours on the weekend, so I guess I can manage. Anyway, I was exhausted, and had it not been for my overly full and painful bladder, I would have been laying in bed probably right about now.

What is the reason for this desire to stay in bed? What caused me to stay up past my bed time and wake up nearly every half an hour throughout the night? I will tell you. Ghost Hunters. Now, your first thought may be, "Yeah, that stuff is really creepy. It would scare me, too." Oh no, that's not my issue, though. My over analysis of every aspect of my world has finally reached to my love of Ghost Hunters! :( I stayed up until 1 am watching the Ghost Hunters Live investigation, and I will be the first to say that it was great, entertaining, with many highs and lows. However, at 1 am, when I went to sleep, my brain continued to roll over the events of the evening, going back in my mind to make sure I didn't miss something important. I mean, the results of the investigation so obviously depend on me. It is only fair that I sacrifice my precious hours of beauty sleep, and man can you tell this morning! haha

I just thought maybe some of you might find interesting that in my kid/adult life, I was not out partying last night, but instead enjoying a quiet night at home with the "ghosties."