I am finally not sick anymore! I truly thought my head might split open. I had even envisioned how that might look when it happened, but I am finally not sick anymore!

This past week has been an insane emotional roller coaster for me. I think that is what pushed the sickness. My body had had enough of my fretting. Have you ever had expectations of an event only to have all your expectations fall through? That was how I felt about last week. My first mishap was my emotional meltdown spawned by absolute grief and missing my Mommy. I had been keeping myself so busy that I felt my sadness bombarded me. It was very painful to realize I would wake up on Thursday and my mom would not be there for Thanksgiving. This is my second holiday season without her, but as a lady at my job pointed out, last year was a blur. This was the year that I had time to think about that fact that she was gone, and it was very painful.

My actual Thanksgiving day was not so much a mishap as much as a disappointment. Apparently I was late, again. That is really getting old. I am not "late" because I mean to be or even by accident. I was actually ready to go at one p.m. When I talked to my sister, neither of us could remember what time she said to have people come over, so I said I would be there around 2:30 or three. I did get there around three, and I thought I was on time. However, S's mom was already there with his family, and they had already had the appetizers set up and the food was coming out of the oven. I was really just upset from that point on. I had really had my hopes set on going to my sister's house and hanging out for an hour or two before the food was actually ready. That was thrown out the door as soon as I got there. We started eating about 20 minutes after I got there. That in itself was sort of stressful because there were just as many little ones as there were adults, and someone had to help get them food. I only got food for two little ones, but after that, my sister had the baby and ate in her room. The kids were in the kitchen with two of the other adults, and some of us were in the living room. I didn't eat much because I wasn't very hungry. When I was done, I went to crochet in my sister's room with her, and after about 3o minutes with her, my Grandma was ready to leave. I was responsible for taking her home, and my younger brother had asked me to take his girlfriend home about 15 minutes farther than where I was already going. He asked me last minute, and that just pushed whatever buttons I had left because he knows I can't stand when he does that. I left my sister's house around 5:30 or 6 and spent the next hour running people home and to the gas station. I really laid into my brother for doing that again, and he apologized and gave me gas money. Apparently, during that hour that I was running people around, I missed the time when my family was actually sitting and talking with each other. That just made me even more angry.

I had said before Thanksgiving that I was not going to be running on someone else's schedule throughout the day, and that is exactly what I did. That night, my throbbing headache came back, and I spent the next two days on the couch. I also missed two days of work, which was fantastic because Big T missed two days last week and the plant closed down all week for Thanksgiving this week. My co-workers were great, though. They offered to work my shift for me because they could see how awful I felt and didn't want to get sick. It's the time for flu fears.

In good news, though, I am making much headway on my sister's oldest daughter's socks. I have also learned how to use looms to make hats, and I managed to make it to Joann Fabrics on Black Friday to get my some 45 yards of flannel to make pajamas for my family. I am finally feeling like myself again. We are going to get our tree up soon, and the semester is almost over. There are finals next week, and I could not be more thrilled to be done with it. I am taking a small break next semester, taking only two classes, and I hope to have a wonderful Christmas season from here on out. However, I will probably not have such high hopes this time. I will also make sure I am on time so I don't miss out on too much.

Da Da Da Duhhhh!!!!

I have finished my very first sock ever! I tried my luck at knitting and failed! However, I had crocheted before, and now I will continue to crochet much more. I am so excited to have made a sock, but I still have 19 and a 1/2 pairs left to do, give or take. I'm making them for the whole family! I thought this would be cheaper to do since I am broke for the holidays, but it turns out, it really isn't! Ha! It's really ok, though. If I buy my pieces a little at a time, it is less painful, and my family will hopefully cherish these babies at least until winter is over.

My weekend was different than they have been for awhile. I spent some much needed time with my sister! We went to a holiday craft show, and I saw so much creativity. It was really amazing to have so many crafty people all in a HUGE building like that, and I got a few ideas for things I would like to try. I also saw my brother this weekend, my older one. We watched the Bears' game together with our significant others and his significant others' mom. We had chili and roast afterward. It was a nice little get together.

I was all hyped up about going to the parade and the romance of it all, but I think somehow I knew I wouldn't go. Big T was finally almost not sick, and my sister also stayed home. I just stayed at her house for a while and worked on my wonderful sock. I am sad that I didn't get to cuddle up with Big T, but he was still a little sick, anyway. Can't have that! haha

Hope you all had as cozy a weekend as I!

This Christmas

We are kicking of the Christmas season around here in my community. Our lighted holiday parade is Saturday, and I am very excited! My plan is to park Big T's truck up town where I want to sit. Then we will go up there when we are ready, walk around, probably get some chili and baked goods, and end the night sitting in the back of the truck, all bundled up, under a blanket and sipping hot cocoa as we gaze upon the beautiful Christmas floats. The most important part is making sure it actually goes this way...but don't burst my fantasy land bubble.

Anyway, the point of this blog (as if any of you should be surprised I got off topic) is to express some emotions I am left with after watching the movie with Chris Brown, This Christmas. The movie overall was very touching, as most Christmas movies tend to be. There was chaos, too, as my sister will verify holidays inexplicably bring. The best part of the movie was the stress on the importance of family. No matter how much drama was created, and there was plenty of drama, the family all came together in the end.

Now, I may have been able to predict an ending of this sort, but these endings will always move me deep down in my heart. I know that having big families can be hassle, but toward the end of the movie, the mother looks out over her family with such pride and joy in her eyes. I was overwhelmed with the desire to have that. I want to be someone's mother. I want to be a few someone's mothers. My sister has told me so many times not to have so many kids...even my mom had told me to not have a lot of children, but I have a true value for large families. Just the other day, I told a friend, there is always something to do, and there is rarely time to feel alone. I can always call someone up and talk about my day or hang out. Now that my sister has carried on this tradition, there are even more people to have fun with.

However, in all the joy of families, I was stricken with some sadness, as I have been so often lately. It was painful to realize that my mom will never look at me with that pride again. If my big brother makes it big some day with his singing, she will not be here to look at him with pride and love. On my little brother's graduation day, his mom will not be there to give him a hug and throw him a party, buying a cake with his face on it. I just miss her terribly lately. I never know which comes first, the messy house or the longing to be with my mom again, but they always go hand in hand. All in all, I would be lost with out my family...If I had been an only child, I just don't know where I would be right now.

I could very well lose my mind!

My house is a wreck.
There are blankets piling up in my living room.
The yarn is overtaking me, a constant damned reminder that I can't do anything with it.
The dishes are piled high to the sky, and for some reason they smell like peppers?!
There is a sick, puking man in my house who has been out of work for two days with the flu.
He has to take a week off for Thanksgiving because the plant is shutting down, and he used all his vacation days for "fun," taking off days whenever he just ehhhh....didn't feel like going in.
He doesn't have the sick time to cover all of these days off, so we are just pulling money out our asses now, right?!
He must know of some miracle drug to make him not care about anything, but for the sake of our relationship and the fact that he has been puking since 1am, I am not yelling at him!
My bedroom is a mess, again.
My clothes look like they exploded because when I can't find something, I just get pissed and dump it all out on the floor.
The sheet is ripped off the bed at night because SOMEONE can't learn how to stop pulling it off when they sleep.
Not to mention our mattress is practically an ugly brown color now, though when we bought it it was white!
I have another huge exam today, and guess what guys, IT'S NOT FINISHED!!!!!
Oh, you know, somewhere between taking care of a sick man, learning to knit and getting very frustrated with that, and being sick with all of this garbage going on in my head, the exam just didn't seem so important!
I can't breathe through my nose.
I got some freaking allergy medicine, but I didn't take it until last night, so it won't kick in until practically tomorrow.
Don't even tell me about my run on sentence!!!!
My brain can't handle any more.
I have been so happy for so long, visiting my family, hanging out with friends, cleaning up little messes.
Where did it all go wrong?
How did I get back in this funk?
When did my house become a complete disaster?
I just want to avoid it because I DID NOT CREATE THIS MESS!

My dream last night was strange, too. I was hanging out with this rich family, you know the ones that drawl every word they say. Well, they started to really piss me off, so I started to trip them and cut them off. Finally I convinced them to just stop acting like jerks, and we all piled into a little SUV to go change their lives and make them look and act like normal people. Well, I don't know what happened to the parents, because the dad decided he couldn't handle it, and he needed to go back to work, and myself and a girl and a guy ended up in a trashy, hick store selling crappy electric guitars. We wore wigs with no backs on them, and we were afraid to walk away from anyone because they would see that we were wearing wigs. We had to wear them, though, because this store required you to be a certain age (God knows what) to go in. In the end, we had no money, and I really wanted to buy a guitar, but I had to prove to the owner that I was18, so I flashed him. Turns out, all his guitars really were crap, but all of a sudden, I was trying to by a guitar with my big brother and Big T. They had seen the whole flashing incident, and their only worry was whether or not he was selling (giving me, actually, because my boobs had payed the price) a crappy guitar. Well, none of them would fit, they were all oddly shaped with awful strings, falling apart and made of plastic. I couldn't even play guitar either! How dumb is that because I CAN play guitar?

I think this dream is revealing my fear of being incompetent enough to keep my house clean, learn new songs, learn to knit socks, and do my homework. You'll notice there was nothing about work in that dream, because so far, my workplace is my escape from the real world. I go there, interact with people and really enjoy it. The wig with the no backs is revealing my fear that people are seeing right through me and I am not wearing my worries very well.

On top of allllllll of that, I found myself so angry yesterday. I am angry again, much like I was this time last year, that time is pulling me further away from my mother. I want my mom! I am nineteen years old, and I am losing my mind over adult stuff, and it just isn't fair! I am sick of having to worry about my house being a disaster, my dishes piling up, not being able to have people over because the house is too disgusting, not getting homework done because I am too distracted with everything else...I can't even tell my mom any of this. I can't even go running to her house for a few days, to stay with her and feel like a kid again. I am stuck in this stupid world of feeling like a kid and being stuck with adult responsibilities. I just want to be a kid for awhile!! These are all just very crucial times when I need to be able to cry to my mom and tell her how hard the world is and how much it sucks, and she will tell me "I told you so, you never should have moved out." and I would look at her and roll my eyes and say, "I wanted to move out, though. I'm not so unhappy that I would want to move back home permanently." She would do her classic smile, and if I didn't know what I know now, I would never realize that she had just taught me a lesson without teaching me my lesson. That's how she always did it with me. She knew that telling me, "I told you so." pushed my buttons to no end and would make me realize that I wanted whatever it was that I wanted and I would get back up on my horse, but she never actually told me I was wrong. She had a special knack for letting me realize it on my own. At my job they call that "helping the customer to save face," basically not embarrassing them in front of everyone, letting them realize their own mistake without making them feel like a fool.

Well, all, my rant is over. Congratulations for reading to the end! Why don't you go have a cookie and some milk and pretend you are a kid again... ;)

Rewarding

Today, my sister gave me a wonderful gift. She may or may not even know she gave it to me. She asked me if I would help with her with her Sunday School kids. She is letting them sew pillows for their parents, and she wanted to know if I could help them sew while she gave the lesson. I left feeling all warm and fuzzy. I really can't explain it any other way. I have not been to church but one time since my mom died. I really want to go back, but every time, I find a reason not to go. Today, I got a chance to go back without feeling the pressure of sitting with a group of people much older than me. I was so excited driving over to the church. My soul was happy to be back. I can honestly say that I will definitely continue to help. I just hope there is still stuff for me to help with after the pillows. ;)

P.S. I'm not so sure my sister didn't know what she was doing when she asked me. If she did know, she is just as sly as I would expect. If she didn't, that is just another one of the things I love about her, her ability to do the big sister thing and help me overcome my fears.

After a very strange week for me emotionally, I feel back to normal. I had been itching to write a song about the two girls. Last night, I had the house to myself for awhile, so I went where my heart took me. I can't say that any of you will ever get to hear the song, not even my nearest and dearest. I didn't record it. I didn't write it down. I don't even feel sad about that like I normally would. It was not meant for the world to hear, and it was not meant to gain recognition. It was just meant to clean my soul a bit.

I have to say, I really love this blogging thing. When I was really down this week, and I posted my blog, I got a lot of comments pretty much letting me know I was not alone. I also read the blogs of some other ladies around Middleofnowheresville, USA, and I felt much more at ease knowing my feelings were normal and shared. Once again, the blogging world came to my rescue! :)

I went to another concert last night. I am still not comfortable up front where the action is. So much so that when a mosh pit happened, and I was watching from a table over yonder, I got a wiff of beer. Mix that with my anxiety about having my head busted open again, and you get the pukey feeling in your stomach and the feeling of something warm running down your body (no, not pee! haha). I don't know when I will be comfortable rocking out up front again, and that is really a sad thing for me. When we go to watch our boys (Verdict, check em out on myspace; www.myspace.com/verdictmusic) I can feel their passion in the songs they sing. The music just moves through me, and it is healing for me. Whatever crap I have dealt with in the week, I can just hold my head up and tell all the bad stuff to go to H***. (haha, You can tell I'm not much of a cusser.) Someone has taken that away from me, though, and they don't even have the gall to tell me who it was. I honestly could care less about the bottle and the stitches, not that I want them again. What hurts the most is that someone has made me afraid to do something I really love.

Anyway, I am really feeling "free-er" (I believe I should talk in my blog exactly how I would probably talk to you if you were in front of me. My sister can vouch for that!! haha). I'm off to do some shopping today for some fabric! Retail therapy!! Haha

Engulfed

Is there not a fire around all of us?
We are trying frantically to get out.
We know this is killing us.
We know we need to find a different way.
We are suffocating.
It's just to hard to go on.
Where is everyone?
I need someone to help me.
Why would they leave me when I need them the most?
We lay down.
We accept our fate.
It hurts...
But it will all be over soon.
-In Memory of Madisyn Moore and Shanna Radakovich

Sometimes life can feel so overwhelming that I just want to give up. Today sort of feels like one of those days. I feel as though I envision someone else's sorrow so much and imagine how exactly I would feel if it were me in their place that I end up feeling as though I had gone through their exact situation. Today, I am exhausted. I couldn't tell you what I dreamt about last night, but I woke up thinking about Madisyn and Shanna. I didn't know these girls, but I can't stop my imagination from running, thinking about their lives, their friends, their thoughts, what they wanted to do in life, what they had been talking about at their sleep over, any angle my head comes up with. I feel sick with grief, for their mothers especially.

This past week, I have heard of four deaths in this small community. People are going to die every day, people all over the world. There is nothing I can do to stop that. However, I deeply wish that I could stop the amount of pain that results from the trauma of a death. No one deserves to live with the questions, the guilts, the what ifs, and no one deserves to feel so helpless and worthless as they sometimes do when they lose someone.

Today, my soul sits inside my body, weeping for those that are about to experience some of the most tumultuous times of their lives. I wish I could join my soul in the abyss that is inside me, but I have to keep moving, if for nothing else, than for fear of losing myself again.