Friday, October 31, 2008

I Want a Break!

So the past year of my life was far from fantastic, to say the least. However, by the time the lazy days of summer rolled around, I truly felt happy again. I was excited at the thought of spending ample time with my family, cookouts, bonfires, sleeping in, settling into good books, and enjoying myself. That is exactly what I did, too. Summer was fantastic.

Then school started again. Seeing as how I completely bombed last semester, ending my wonderful first year of college with a 2.3 GPA (though I had a 3.8 in high school), I was excited to go back and re-establish myself as the "smart kid." The first two weeks of school were....kiiind of.....exciting. However, I was least excited about my speech class. As time progressed, I started to get a little bogged down, again, questioning why it is that I am the only person in the world doing homework all hours of the night. I wasn't really able to see my family anymore...weeks would go by before I'd get to really talk to them. I live with my boyfriend, and we were basically just sleeping in the same bed. He went to work before I woke up and went to bed before I was done with homework. It's pretty much like that now, with a few exceptions.

Anyway, I have been questioning my academic decisions a lot lately because I have just been so unhappy. I value education and perspective pretty highly, but this is hard work. Just because it is hard work, though, I don't feel like I should be so unhappy. Therefore, I am considering taking a break, some time off to myself to learn about who I am and what I want in life.

I think you should all know that I have some serious control issues, and yet, I am ready to take that leap, chalk up some of my own experiences and have some of my own mistakes to learn from. I have spent my entire life learning from everyone else's mistakes and never taking risks. Now I'm not saying I want to be careless or reckless, but what better time to take chances than now, when I am only accountable for myself?

I am ready to live, to breathe in all that life has to offer. I'm ready to wrinkle up my nose and pinch it shut when I am breathing in those not so pleasant moments, and I'm ready to spread my arms and inhale deeply all of those moments where I will truly believe I have never seen a more beautiful world. I am ready to take a flying leap, and this time no one will be there to shove me before I'm ready.