Saturday, June 27, 2009

Some new additions...

Check out the new stuff in my store! Its not much at this point, but this is my weekend to finish up all those darned WIPs (works in progress-for those of you outside of the totally awesome, wonderfully fantastic crochet or knitting world...or those of you refusing to read patterns, thus, not learning these fancy know who you are!).

Friday, June 26, 2009

Wrapping Up

As I'm wrapping up my very last day as a banker, though short-lived this job was, I am feeling some unexpected sadness and some slight anxiety. I never disliked my job as a Teller, and I want that to be very clear. I prayed about this job just as I prayed about my new job, but in all honesty, I have not stopped for a moment to really let this soak in that I am truly following God's plans now and no longer my own. I am truly putting my life into His hands and no longer just hoping for the best, but trusting that God knows what He is doing. I have never done this before. I have been close to God before, but I have never truly trusted Him. I can admit that because I am human, and God already knows its true.

I have been standing on the verse Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." From the first time that Stellan over at MckMama's blog ( was hospitalized, that verse has become increasingly important to me. It transformed from words on a page into a promise that God was speaking directly to me. I have been reminded of this verse daily for the past few weeks as I toddle along in my new walk with God. When things get tough, when I doubt, when I don't want to give, when I don't want to love, when I don't want to change, when I just don't feel like it anymore, God quietly reminds me of this verse, and His voice is always so sweet. It makes me melt. It makes me love Him even more.

God is always gentle with me, unless I need a swift kick. When I refuse to listen to Him, he puts the words in someone else's mouth. As I'm carrying on a conversation with a friend or family member, and sometimes even a complete stranger, God's words will come seemingly barreling out of someones mouth, forcing me to hear them. It is always in that moment that I realize how childish I was behaving by trying to ignore God's prodding. His ways are not always ways that I can understand. Sometimes, all I really feel like doing is being angry and sour, but it is in those times that I can truly honor God by going against the grain, doing what I don't feel like doing.

You see, loving and honoring God is not about our feelings. This morning, my boss at the bank came over to me before we opened and gave me a card. She said to me, before handing me the card, "I really do hope you find what it is you are looking for, happiness, whatever..." She paused here, and I could tell she was a little emotionally uncomfortable. When she continued, she really surprised me.

She continued, "Sometimes the world is really cruel, and not everyone understands how cruel it can be."

I started to tear up because I knew she was trying to console me. She is being completely honest in hoping that I can find happiness past the death of my mom, but what I worry is that my boss has yet to find that happiness past the death of her husband over a decade ago. I worry that she cannot let go of him and that is why she occasionally lashes out at her co-workers. I worry she won't allow herself to let go for fear of how different her life might be.

As I started to tear up, though, it seemed as though she was visibly uncomfortable, so she wrapped things up quickly and gave me my card. As she walked away, I was thinking, "She really must not trust her emotions."

In reality, though, how many of us trust our emotions? We trust them when it is convenient for us, like the times we really want to be down on ourselves and embrace the funk of sadness, but then other times when we truly feel happy for what seems like no reason, we question it. We don't trust the judgement of our own emotions all the time. At other times, when we simply don't feel like being nice to people, we make excuses for why we are in a bad mood, and we make those excuses to God, expecting to get out of our "work" for the day.

If we want to offer God true praise, though, if we really want to honor Him, those are the best moments to do so. When you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, when you just feel sad and empty, when you want the world to leave you alone, you will truly prove to God that you trust Him if you follow his lead even when you don't feel like it.

So, today, I offer that challenge out. I know God tests me in this area on a daily basis, and I'm curious to see what differences you will notice in your life today.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

One woman's scraps are another's TREASURE!

I want these scraps so badly! They are just gorgeous. The colors are all so bright and cheerful. They make me so happy. :) Check it out for yourself as well... I mean I really want to win, but I would be happy for you too, I guess. ;o)

Mmmm....I can almost taste the victory.....just kidding. :)

Its been so long...

What an interesting week it has been so far! I am so not happy and not adjusting well to not having the Internet. I think for next month and the months after that, though, we will be able to afford it again. So...That means...Internet again!!! And blogging again!!!

Anyway, I wish I had pictures or something fun to put on here, but I don't right now. I had taken pictures in the last few weeks planning on posting blogs about them, but I am at work right now, counting down to the last day of this job as I have already started the new job.

Anyway, again...this week has been interesting. I have laughed. I have cried. I have been utterly bored. I have been suffocated by the heat. I have been in my brain a lot. I have been missing my sister. (This work transitioning hasn't left me much time for hanging out during the day at her house.) I have been learning loads.

On Monday, we had our first "Team Meeting" where we met each other, my other co-workers, and talked about rules and what would be expected of us more in depth. I am going to be a Chiropractic Receptionist/Assistant. Part of my job will include medical billing. Another part will be cleaning. Yet another part will be taking blood pressure and pulse, weighing and measuring peoples' heights and charting those things. I will be expected to answer phones, make appointments, greet people, as well as assisting people with electrotherapy. There is just a list of things I will do, and I am so excited about all of it.

I love the way the office smells, faintly of lemon soap. It doesn't smell like a hospital or even a clinic. It is so warm and cozy. The colors are all so cheery, tangerine, spring green, purple, mauve, dark stained crown molding and tan walls. The offices are all easily accessible, and the office just exudes welcoming and comfort.

Yesterday was my first real day of working at the office, and I basically just cleaned all the chiropractic tables and anything leather and made lots of copies. I made a lot of new patient packets. I also learned a lot. I asked about cracking my neck because I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. He explained to me that he doesn't recommend it because it is only further allowing a problem to exist. Basically your spine looks like this.

When you crack your neck, you are moving vertebra that are most likely already too loose. They are too loose because the vertebra above them or below them have "locked up." Because the movement in the upper vertebra or lower vertebra surrounding the loose area is so limited, the body tries to naturally compensate for it, making the middle area move too readily.

**I am not a chiropractor. I have no chiropractic training. I am just reciting in very, very layman's terms what I was taught yesterday.**

Today, I am at the bank until 2 and then to the chiropractors until 6pm. I am doing that tomorrow as well, and on Friday, the bank is giving me a food day as a going away party. They are making barbecue, taco dip (per my request) and some sort of dessert. It should be wonderful and bittersweet. I have made friends here. I have shared a lot of my soul here, but it is time for change.

I think as I learn new things I will be posting about them. I knew nothing about chiropractic before two weeks ago, and I still know so little. Yesterday, though, I adjusted my boss's back! He walked me through the steps of how to do it, and I did it! It was so strange and slightly awkward. When have you ever gone in for your first day of work and ended up having your boss lay down on his stomach and instruct you on how to adjust his back? It was very interesting, though. He laid on a table that has two movable pieces where your stomach goes. He lifted those pieces up, and I pressed on the thoracic area of his back so that it seemed as though the table collapsed under him, though it was only the two movable parts. Then he readjusted the table and we did that five times. Then, he instructed me to check his feet and eye ball them to see if one leg looked longer than the other. Indeed, one leg did look longer! So, we went through the motions two more times until his legs were even. How strange is that?!

When I asked him how his feet came into play there, he said his pelvis is tilted and it makes it appear that one leg is longer than the other when in all actuality, it is just his pelvis tilted in the wrong direction. Strange! I had a great sense of accomplishment, though. It was a lot of fun if nothing else.

To me, this blog seems boring. It seems to be lacking flair. I mean, how interesting can it be to sit and read about what my day is like. For some reason, though, I have just been so cloudy in my brain this week. I haven't been able to write well at all. I've been getting bored with my knitting. I've run out of real projects to do, and I'm beginning to realize how much I depended on my Internet. It kept me in touch with the world. I could find patterns at the drop of a hat. I could listen to music if I was bored or just needed to think. I feel as though my lack of Internet has just spliced my creativity. Whenever I was curious about something or needed some food for thought, I could just Google something. My questions could always easily be answered. I'm just getting bored without it. I'm getting bored and my brain is not being stimulated.

I hope to have the Internet back soon. I hope to be able to talk with you all again, soon. I hope to have my "normal" life back soon. I hope to get my routine back. I think all this change and adjustment is happening rather quickly between getting to know my father, re-building my relationship with my Heavenly Father, changing jobs and following His path and His will, getting married, becoming more faithful to the friends I've got and not having much creative outlet, I am feeling stifled and overwhelmed at the same time. Wish me luck on my new endeavors...well not so much luck as blessing! I'm sure I will get around to reading the comments eventually. haha

Friday, June 19, 2009

Rollercoaster Ride

It has been such a looong day already, and it all started with a five o'clock AM (!) phone call. My 16 year old brother called me at that early hour, and of course, because he has a tendency to call at inappropriate times, I ignored the call. Then he called my fiance's phone and I thought something must be wrong. So, I called him back and aggravated, I asked, "What do you want?!"

He asked me, "Can (Big T's) truck pull my truck?"

I replied, as if nothing was out of the ordinary, "No, why?"

Then he proceeded to tell me, "My truck is in a field."

Of course, I said, "Why is your truck in a field?"

He replied, "I rolled my truck, but I'm OK."

From there, I just told him there was no way our truck could pull his because ours is too old.

We got off the phone, and I laid there with a pit in my stomach for a few minutes until my fiance rolled over and nonchalantly asked me how my brother's truck ended up in a field. I told him that my brother said he hit the rocks on the side of the road, over corrected, hit the other ditch, and then rolled. All he remembered was flying and landing.

I thought I would be able to go back to sleep until my senses came back, and I realized, I really knew nothing about this situation. My 16 year old brother was just in a car accident! He flipped his truck! How in the world is he OK?! So, I text him asking how he lost focus and managed to flip his truck, when it happened and told him he had to report the accident or he would get charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

He said he was unable to sleep all night and felt like he just needed to get out for a bit. He later told me that once he got in the car and started driving, he just felt so free. [By the way, I should probably tell you that my brother, while not legally emancipated, lives the emancipated lifestyle.] He was driving along at 60 miles an hour when he saw a 30 mile an hour sign coming up. He says he took his foot of the gas, and for whatever reason (there is still something missing here, in my opinion) he got "sucked into the ditch" on the left side of the road, over corrected, got "sucked into the ditch" on the right side, and flipped the car. The policeman said it flipped vertically, head first, twice. I am just in shock, still.

My brother was so very blessed! He had his drivers side window open with his arm hanging out of it... So many things are running through my mind of what could have happened, and it makes me sick to my stomach to think that a police man or the hospital could have been contacting me at 5am to tell me my brother had been killed in a car accident.

My brother is 16 years old. He lives with a buddy. He works and goes to school. He is still a child, but he believes otherwise. He seems to refuse to deal outwardly with the fact that our mom is dead, and for this reason, he doesn't understand that it is totally and completely unacceptable to leave at 4am (past curfew, which was part of his $150 fine) and tell no one where you were. If he had broken his neck in the accident, no one would have known where to begin looking for him. He could have died before anyone even found him because he was on a rural road!

He had x-rays done, though, as well as a CT scan, and all came back normal. He has a welt where his seat belt (thank GOD (!) he was smart enough to put that on) pushed on his neck. He has a big burn on his leg from where it hit the steering wheel. He has a bruise on his cheek where he most likely hit the steering wheel. Most of all, he is having terrible neck pain, which they prescribed 600 mg of Ibuprofen for. I can't imagine how he's going to feel tomorrow.

It was quite an experience on my part as well because my brother's legal guardian, his dad, was not there. His dad picked him up from the accident and told him to find someone to tow the truck out of the field! I was the one who made sure he got checked out and reported it. I was the one that signed the consent forms. I was the one that waited with him while he was strapped down to a board in case of neck injury. I'm the one that had to re-visit the very same emergency room my mother died in exactly 1 year and 9 months ago today. I'm also the one that had to drive to the town his dad lives in to tell his father to come to the hospital, since he wouldn't answer the door for the state cop.

I am just so thankful. I keep thanking God and praising God that nothing happened. It could have been so terrible, so traumatizing, but God has a plan for my brother, whether my brother wants to believe it or not. I don't believe in luck or really even coincidence. I believe in God and His plan. It strike me as odd, though, when my brother was going to x-rays and had me hold his necklace. I noticed some inscription on the back of the pendant that I think is worth noting.

I know it is hard to see. I took the picture while sitting in the emergency room on my cell phone. It is an old wheat penny and a tribal pendant that says "Protection" on the back. When he got back to the room, I pointed that out to him. I told him, "I don't believe in symbols or luck. I believe in God, but I thought this was ironic."

In response, he said, "To each his own," and he put his hands behind his head, closed his eyes, and relaxed. It seems he's still got a long way to go before he is willing to admit that God is at work in his life. The fact that he is still alive means he has another chance.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Her first give-away!

My wonderful, beautiful, creative big sister is doing her first ever give-away on her blog! Of course, I'm going to be a true Snot Head and jump into the contest! She has made an adorable clutch bag that is about 10-12 inches wide and about 6 inches tall. I love it, and I love the colors, brown and blue.

Don't you love it too?! I hope you will all run over to her blog RIGHT NOW and check it out and enter for your chance to win this hand made with love crocheted clutch bag (try saying that three times fast!).
Oh, and while you're at it, mention my name when you stop by! ;o) Here's the link to her blog:
I know you will love her as much as I do.

The Call Back

Well, my dad called back last night, just as he said he would. I had prayed before talking to him. I talked it out with God and told Him all my insecurities about letting my dad have a bigger place in my life now, and God was really encouraging me to open my heart to my dad. I don't have to trust that my dad will always make good on his word or that he will never hurt me, but I do trust God, in that He has a plan in all of this. If I get hurt by my dad along the way, emotionally, I will just have to turn to God to heal that pain. God wants me to love others. That was one of his greatest commandments. I don't get to pick and choose who I will allow myself to love. God wants us to love others. When He said that, He didn't say we got to choose which others. In my case, "others" is including even my dad who was absent for so much of my life.

So, while I had my dad on the phone last night, I told him how proud I was of him. I am proud that he calls so often and that he has a job. He said that it meant so much to him to know that I loved him. After that we talked for awhile about God and our purposes. My dad thinks he is called to share the Gospels, which I wouldn't doubt. His dad was a pastor, so he's had the background. He said he knew a lady that was having a hard time a few weeks ago, and he helped her out. She told him he was a guardian angel, and he told her, "I don't know about that." He said they got to talking, and he had an opportunity to tell her about Jesus. It was really nice to hear him talk like that.

I also told him that he doesn't deserve to carry around all the guilt he does. He apologized, and I am ready to move on and accept the apology.

After we had talked for a little while, he said he would like to come up the first of the month and pay for the car in cash. He has already talked to someone about getting it back to Kentucky for him, so it seems this is really happening. I told my dad it seems like a huge blessing from God right exactly when we needed it most. My fiance will only have one pay check next month, and if my dad does pay us $500 for my car, it will cover almost exactly what we need it to cover. My dad said it was like a miracle that he had asked about it, and I agreed with him. Like I said, his memory is slipping, but if it hadn't been, he wouldn't have asked about it again, and I wouldn't have explained our financial situation to him. There is no such thing as coincidence when God is involved!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Do I Trust It?

Last night, my dad called, as he does about once a month or once every two months. We are not as close as some. I didn't grow up with him because my parents were divorced before I was born. He wasn't at the hospital when I was born, and the earliest picture I have of him with me was when I was about two. The earliest memory I have with him was when I was about five. My dad has struggled with alcoholism for my entire life and longer. I used to be angry about it, but I am not anymore. I know my time with him like this could be very short because of his past, and following the encouragement of my sisters, I do not want to miss any opportunities to get to know him.
Last night, he was just calling to check in, though. After my mom died, he really stepped up. I know that him calling once a month or once every two months doesn't seem like stepping up, but believe me, that is truly stepping up for him. I appreciate that he is making the effort more than many can even understand.
I know he is losing his memory a little. He told me for the third or so time that he has gotten himself moved down to Kentucky from Illinois and that he has a job helping to build a log cabin. He says he is living in a hotel right now for $150 a week, but he's OK with that for now because he's getting a three bedroom trailer. He said that the next time my fiance and I come to see the family in Kentucky, we won't have to worry about having a place to stay. I hated to break it to him, but I told him I had no idea when we would be able to get down there again. The truck takes so much money in gas. Big T hasn't been making even half of what he was this month and won't for next month, either.
Then he asked me what was wrong with my car. Again, I have told him this at least twice, but I explained to him again that my transmission blew. He asked me if I had gotten rid of it yet, and I said no. From there, he told me not to get rid of it because it was my mom's car, and it had sentimental value, which I am fully aware of. I wasn't ready for it to bust either. I told him that the tires were new two summers ago, the exhaust system was new two summers ago, and the a/c coolant was replaced last summer. He started to add up the cost of those three things, and then he threw me completely for a loop. He asked me how much I wanted for it like it is!
I told him I didn't have a clue what I wanted for it. I wasn't trying to sell it because it's junk, but he said he would buy it and fix it himself. He said he would be happy to give me $500 for it and fix it himself and that he could probably send the first $100 this weekend. He told me not to do anything with the car until it was paid, but when it was paid he wanted to come get it and take it back. He is trying to get his license back.
He has already surprised me this year by coming to my house for my birthday, for the first time in my entire life. He left his girlfriend he has had for most of my life, and he is doing something good and actually working. He's calling more, and he sounds happy, truly happy.
I know he will never be perfect, and I know his disease will not go away. He said to me yesterday that God had really gotten hold of him, though, and that he felt strongly he wanted to make up for what he missed out on. For some of his children, he has 8 in all, it is too late. Their hearts are hardened to him, but for me, he is the only father I have ever, ever known, good or bad. His other kids had step fathers, but my brother and I didn't.
At this point in time, I'm not too excited at the prospect of him buying my car because I really don't know if he'll come through. I know he would like to, but I don't want to factor that in to help us with bills if it won't really happen. It would be a giant blessing from God, though. It would keep us above the water and allow us to keep our bills paid for this month and next month.
I feel like I took his call nonchalantly, and he could tell. His tone was full of emphasis like he was trying so hard to prove to me that he wanted to make up for his mistakes, but he really will have to prove that he wants to do that. I cannot allow myself to get hurt over and over because he isn't really ready. I want to believe him, but I just don't know. What I do know is that I will believe my Heavenly Father. I will trust God that his will be done in this situation. I will trust God that he keep my dad accountable for his choices and his promises. I will trust God that he has plan, and we will go through the motions for as many days as God sees fit.
Please keep my dad in your prayers as he turns a new leaf in life. I'm proud that he is working. I'm proud that he is calling. I'm proud that he is living on his own, and I'm proud that his heart is in the right place. Just pray that he will keep those new found assets to his personality and that I will have an open heart to him. Pray that he can find peace in his mistakes and give them over to God because he has a very tortured soul, and no one deserves to carry that much pain.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Just stopping by.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I did get the job! I am so very excited, and thank you all for your thoughts and support!

There is much change going on in my life right now that I am desperate to write about, but I am short for time right now. The whole "not having Internet of my own" is really starting to get very annoying. I want to blog when I need to blog!

Hoping I will get back here more regularly soon...

Friday, June 12, 2009

Second Interview

Today, on my lunch break from the bank, I had my second interview, and I must say it was fantastic, even if I don't get the job.

I walked in the door, and my high school Dean of Students was standing at the front desk on his cell phone. He smiled, and I thought briefly that it was strange that he was there. The office isn't open for business yet, not until next week. I waited possibly thirty seconds before the owner came out. She and her husband own this business together. She said, "Hi Kylie." (Yes, I told you my real name.) I felt good that she had remembered my name.

As we walked back into the office, I see another woman there. She was possibly in her seventies, and I was curious. My thoughts were wondering. "Is she another of the interviewees?" "Am I early?" "Is there still an interview going on?" "Why is this lady sitting here?" As I sat down, she didn't move, and I was already sitting before the husband and wife team. As if that wasn't enough, there was another empty chair. Yep, you guessed it. My high school Dean of Students was sitting there. I was about to go before a panel of judges!

My stomach started to knot. My hands started to shake, and my mind started to race. I was introduced to the elderly woman in the office. She was the owner's grandmother. Then my high school Dean of Students wrapped up his call and came back to sit. stomach. I had no idea I would be going in front of a panel, especially not someone that I had actually been pretty close to throughout my junior high and high school years.

Almost immediately, they start firing off questions. "If I were a customer asking about the philosophy I could expect here, what would tell me?" "If I were a customer that had been waiting ten minutes past my appointment time and said I was leaving, what would you do?" "What are your top three priorities in life?" "What do you expect to gain from us if you get this job?" "Are you comfortable multi-tasking?"

When all the questions were done, we were all still smiling, and I had made it through. I told them I was so nervous because they mentioned something about the panel and the rapid fire of questions. They said that I hid it very well, that they didn't know I was nervous at all. That felt good because inside, I was all over the place. I had talked to them about God being my first priority and my family/friends that have become family being my second. I talked to them about wanting to find my purpose and about trusting God to make the right decision about my career. We talked about so much. I even talked to them about my mom's death and how that changed my whole life, my entire perspective.

At the very end of the interview, the husband looked at me and said, "On a side note, you have a very powerful personality." I was blown away. I said thank you, of course, but he went on. He said, "No matter what you do in life, you are so honest and so powerful that you will do very well in whatever you choose to do." He spoke as if he could just feel it in his heart. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I said thank you, and I was utterly shocked. It was such a huge compliment.

Then, my high school Dean of Students looked over at me, and he said, "I don't know if this is the right time to say this, but I just want you to know that I am very proud of you." It was at this point that I started to cry. This man has seen me go through many struggles in the past 8 years of my life, and it meant a lot that he was proud of me. He continued as well, "I have seen you at odds many times in your life, and your family has been through so much." Looking to the owners he said, "She has just risen above." Then back to me he said, "I just want you to know that you should be very, very proud of yourself."

Through my tears, I whispered to him, "I appreciate that."

The grandmother said, "Don't do that, you'll have us all going." Of course, it was too late by that point. I had already opened the floodgates. The wife says something to about making a pregnant woman cry, and moments later, we were all crying and laughing at ourselves for not being able to shut it off.

The wife said, through her tears, "I really just feel like you are supposed to be here." I feel the same way. Her husband assured me they would be in contact with me by this afternoon, and I feel good about this entire process either way. I prayed this morning to God that if he wanted me in this new job, to make it happen. If he didn't, I told Him, I appreciated having the opportunity to be a part of what they were doing and getting to know them. Selfishly, I really hope this is God's plan for me, but I won't know until this afternoon.

It was very nice that we could all be comfortable enough with each other to cry with each other. I can't imagine this has been an easy road for the owners. There were probably times they didn't think they were going to get it off the ground, and now, here they are, making it happen. It is all real before them, and I'm sure, as it would be for me, that they feel a mixture of excitement and sadness. Excitement for the future and sadness that the past is over.

No matter what the outcome, I can firmly say that I will be a supporter of these people as I have grown to respect them greatly over the past few days.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


This morning I had an interview in a new Chiropractic office in my town. It is opening on Monday, and they need receptionists/assistants, so I applied. It is time for change in my life, and banking was never the industry for me. It's just too corporate.

I am very intrigued by chiropractics. I know it is still new and somewhat controversial, but the stories are interesting. It would keep me around people and in the community, and it would also showcase my organizational capabilities. The space wouldn't be completely my own, but I would get to use it, the receptionist area during my shift. I really do think it is something that I could enjoy. Plus, it is a challenge because there is so much to learn. I know very little about chiropractics, and it gives me so much opportunity to learn.

The interview went so well. It was very comfortable, and I was just myself. I am really tired of being something other than who I am, and I think it is time to be honest with myself and those who love me. I like to help. I like to keep things clean and organized. I like to be busy, and I love to learn. I like to feel purpose, and I like to be challenged to meet deadlines. I also love to teach, and with this job, I would be given that opportunity as well.

Possibly the best part is that I would still get to work part time and even get paid a little more than what I make now. They believe in a holistic approach, and that is exciting to me. The wife is an occupational therapist with what seems to be a very bright and loving personality. The husband is the actual chiropractor, as well as athletic trainer and nutritionist. I feel like this combines so much of what people need. People need someone to listen. They need someone to care about them, and I feel like this business, these people, are going to do just that.

Wish me luck! I go back for a second interview on Friday this week, and hopefully I will get a job that I could love for a long time.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I'm feeling an emotional downpour.

For those of you who are friends of mine on Facebook, you may have noticed my status updates have been dreary as of late. That is because I feel dreary. Over the past weekend, I witnessed so much change in my life, and I have tried to become more relaxed about change. This was all just an overload, however.

My fiance and I looked at our first prospective house. It needs a lot of work done that he, his friends, and even my sister's husband are all capable of doing and doing well. Its the home his mom grew up in, though. It is tied to the family, and for that reason, I feel a connection with it. The only real problem is our credit, though. He's asking a reasonable price for the house, though I would still like to have a professional price the house for us. We just struggled a lot last year, and we are finally getting back on our feet, raising our credit score, and my fiance is being made to work less. We were smarter this time around, though. We shut off the cable and Internet before it got to a point where we couldn't pay the bill. We want to stay on top of our financial situation instead of letting it hit us like a ton of bricks, so I guess you could say it is a learning experience.

Shortly after we looked at that house and made our pro-con list, my friend called. My friend and I have been friends since kindergarten, for 15 years. We have seen many hard times. We have experienced a few good fights, but we always came back to each other in the end. This time, I don't believe that is the case.

She and her room mate, my other friend from high school, called and put me on speaker phone. I had sent my high school friend and e-mail last Friday apologizing for the fact that I can't come see them more. I don't have a car anymore since the transmission blew up. From there, it turned into a back and forth discussion about how I apparently am not "reciprocating" their efforts to continue our friendship, how they are trying so hard to keep it alive and I just don't care. I tried to explain to them that we are just in different places in our lives right now, with me suffering such a huge loss less than two years ago, me getting married, and me wanting to start a family soon. I'm also no longer a college student, and my priorities have changed. I guess that's not allowed, though.

I was served with an ultimatum. They said to me, "We know this sounds like a terrible thing to say, but we want all or nothing." They did not want to catch up with me later in life because they acted like that was a ridiculous notion. They wanted me to come see them more than "once every two months, and we want to talk to you more than once every two weeks." I understand that they want me to call more. I could have called more than I did, but I could count on one hand the number of times my high school friend called me in the past two years. In all honesty, I expected this from my high school friend. This isn't the first time I've felt stabbed in the back by her. My 15 year friend completely threw me for a loop, though. She had just come to my house a week or two ago. We had been talking on the phone a lot, and then all of a sudden, nothing. By the time I realized she hadn't called me in awhile and thought I needed to call her, I guess it was too late. I did call her. She sounded like something was wrong, and I asked her about it. She said there was nothing wrong and asked if she could call me back later.

I have heard her use that line so many times when someone calls her and she doesn't want to talk to them. I knew I was the problem, but I just felt it was immature not to just tell me she was upset with me. I didn't feed into it, and apparently, that was the end for her. I had even sent her a text message saying I didn't believe that she was fine, and she said she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her that her voice was giving her away and when she was ready to tell me what was going on, I would be there to listen. Where in all of that does it sound like I don't care?

So for the past three days, I have been running over and over this in my mind, trying desperately to figure out where I went wrong with my 15 year friend. I thought things were going so well. I thought we were fine. I had no idea she thought I didn't care. I had no idea she felt like I didn't want her in my life anymore, and I don't feel like this was entirely her opinion. I think she was swayed by the opinion of my high school friend, but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I just feel so betrayed. I talked to another of my friends yesterday and asked her if we were still friends because as I had assumed, they have already told our other friends about this. She said she was still my friend, but she just couldn't believe I would send them an e-mail "like that. It was like you don't even care anymore." Again, I was dumbfounded, but at this point I was just angry. I asked her if she even read the e-mails and if she read the e-mails from my high school friend to me, and she said she hadn't read them. She was just told about them, but conveniently, after that, she said she was not getting into the middle of this. My intention was not to bring her into the middle of it anyway. I am just shocked that no one wants to hear my side of the story, and no one respects the fact that I am always going to be different from them.

I feel like I can't trust any of the friends I thought I had that are my own age, and it is leaving me feeling very naive and ignorant. I am feeling so much pain at the loss of my 15 year friend because we really were very close, and none of this seems fair. I wish I could understand, but a lady I know commented my status on Facebook saying something that I feel like God is really trying to reiterate to me right now. I don't think she even realized it, but she did give me much comfort.

"Not that it will make you feel any better about losing two people you cared for, I thought I would remind you that people come into our lives for different reasons. Some stay only a few seconds and some stay a lifetime. Your friends apparently served their purpose in your life, and a change was due. You are a very strong, caring, intelligent woman, and you will find a way to see the good in this when you are ready. Love ya!"

So, I guess the choice is up to me. Am I ready for this change? Am I ready to let go of my childhood? Am I really ready for all the growing up? Am I ready to follow God's plan for my life instead of my own shallow goals?

Yes. Yes, God! I am ready to follow Your purpose and find peace in it.

P.S. I want to send out a huge personal thank you to all of the ladies that stepped up to see how I was doing and offer your nuggets of wisdom. I know who my true friends are, and I know you guys will always be my security net. Thank you so much for that!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Passersby and a Twinkle in my Eye

Today, on my lunch break, I had envisioned myself having a nice relaxed lunch with some toast (that I was craving) and my "Starbucks" book, as I have now coined it. I am absolutely addicted to that book right now. I hate to put it down. His words capture me, and I am very happy that this man learned that a simple life is a much more rewarding life and that he is out to teach others the same thing. It's endearing.

Anyway, that is not what happened. I left work, went home, got a few of my NEW business cards that a very kind friend printed up for me last night. I then went to our local library to type up an explanation card, detailing what was going in our basket for the Relay for Life Basket Auction along with the estimated value of the basket. Then, I ran to Ace Hardware because they have a gift wrapping department, and they wrapped our basket in cellophane. While waiting for that to get done, I realized I had 20 minutes for lunch left, so I ran to Subway. And this story comes to an abrupt halt here.

While in Subway, I am waiting in line,watching the people around me. There was a mother and son in front of me and a father and son in front of them, and I was noting differences in the sons. One was a scrawny boy, clearly athletic, braces, adorable face while the other was portlier, still having his baby face, and clearly not as athletic. None of this really matters, but it is just funny the things I notice about people and how it turns into a story inside my head. Anyway, I decide I want to try the newly advertised Tuscan Melt sandwich.

Try it! It was wonderful. I am a huge fan of Italian food, and this sandwich had a wonderful bounty of flavors.

After I had been waiting a few minutes, a group of about three people came up behind me to wait in line. Of course, being me, I decided to turn around and look at them, and I was surprised to see a woman, probably in her seventies that struck my eye. She was wearing a lavender sweat suit with a sage green knitted zip-up sweater on. Her hair was long, and salt and pepper colored, pulled back in a loose clip. Her skin was a natural tan tone, and she had a Greek nose. Her eyes were softened with age, and they were brown, such a soft beautiful brown. As if she even needed the enhancement, she was wearing just enough mascara. She was slightly hunched over, and the lines in her face showed her age. When I say beautiful, I am not saying she had no wrinkles and didn't look her age. She really did look like she was in her seventies, but she had a beautiful aura. I stared at her, unbeknownst to her, until her husband caught me. Then I turned around, embarrassed.

I went ahead through the line, ordering my food, and making small talk with the girl making my sandwich. I paid for my meal and headed to get my drink. As I was walking back toward the door after filling my cup, the elderly woman was standing, choosing her chips. I started to walk past her, thinking I really didn't want to creep her out by telling her she was beautiful, but I just couldn't handle it. She needed to know.

So, I backed up, stood next to her, and said, "I really don't mean to sound weird, but I can't help but stare at you because you are so pretty."

She looked up, as if knowing I couldn't be talking to her, and when she realized there was no one else around, she simply said, "Me?"

I chuckled a little, truly surprised that she was not aware, of course I was talking about her. I replied, "Yes, you. You look so good in purple, and your eyes look beautiful. You are so pretty."

Then, sweetly, and still somewhat dumbfounded, she said, "Thank you. You just made my day."

In reality, I think I was really trying to make her day. I think I knew somehow that someone needed to tell her she was beautiful. I didn't have the money for Subway, but I was craving bread something awful. I just couldn't not go, and now I am thinking my craving was much more than that.

From there, I went back to Ace to pick up our newly wrapped basket. I am so happy with the result, and I am so happy to have been able to contribute in more than one way today. Check out how great our basket looked!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Hey Cosmo!

I follow a blog called "Views from the Coffee House" written by Cosmo in Dublin, Ireland. I am jealous of him for two reasons: because he gets to frequent the coffee house with the best espresso in all of Dublin and...because he lives in Dublin...So sad for me. So of course, when I was at my local Borders bookstore last night visiting with a cherished friend, I immediately thought of my fellow blogger, Cosmo when I saw this book:

This bargain just happened to make the book affordable. I am very excited because I very rarely read non-fiction. Recently, I learned that I should expand my reading library if I truly want to be a writer, and I should include some non-fiction in my library, even though I want to be a fiction author. So, here it is, and I think it is going to be very endearing. I have already read the first chapter, and I can say I am hooked and am enjoying the writing style of one Michael Gates Gill.

In other, non-coffee related news, I must report that life is going well right now. My fiance is in and out of work this month with his job going on hiatus...I mean...trying to save money and therefore closing for short periods of time. However, we are surviving, and I am becoming more hopeful that this is only going to affect this month's bills. That is a bigger blessing than I could have asked for. I really thought our whole summer would be affected by this. Also, he is interviewing for a different job next week, and if we find that it will be worth the 20 minute drive, I may be able to pursue my writing and my Etsy store sooner than I had imagined.

I am also reading "The Purpose Driven Life" right now. I am enjoying the process, and I am eager to learn God's purpose for me. I have been in prayer about keeping my eagerness and growing closer to God as I try to gain back a relationship we once had. I can't tell you how much it would streamline my life to understand God's purpose for me. I was confirmed a member of my church this past weekend, and I am 20-years-old making that decision. The rest of the confirmands were between the ages of 11 and 16. That decision weighed heavily on my heart, so I do sort of believe it was too big of a decision for young kids to make. That is just one person's opinion, though.

I am happy that I decided to become a member of the church, though. I am not thrilled about being in a denominational church because I am a firm believer that I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus and I praise Him for his sacrifice that we may all live and love a forgiving God, but I do not agree with the different "denominational" rules. I really did enjoy the simplicity of a large group of people coming together to worship God when I was in a non-denominational church. However, I feel at home in this church, and I feel called to be here. My church is about to see some very hard times and make some very difficult decisions, and I am glad to be a part of that. I am praying I can be a voice and a light for change, as I believe that is something I am being called to this church for. God has a plan, and I am just trying to follow where He leads.

So, to all my prayer folk out there, please keep me in your prayers as I seek my purpose in God. If you want to pray specifically, please pray for my patience, peace, understanding, and eagerness to endure through this process. Also, I feel as though God is really trying to teach me about focus, so keep that in your prayers as well. I have used my lack of focus as a crutch and an excuse for a long time, but I am certainly at an age to be able to control that. I think God is telling me that it is time to take control of my thoughts.

If you would like to check out Cosmo's blog, by the way, and I certainly recommend it to anyone who delights in reading someone else's interesting and sometimes fleeting thoughts, follow this link.

I also want to mention that my cherished friend and I had gone our separate ways last night. She mentioned that she had to make her rounds about the store to make sure there wasn't anything else she "[didn't] need" (her exact words, not my own!) before she checked out with her book, the one that her nephew illustrated, to the left here. I went off to the restroom, as I had practically chugged a Chocolate Coffee Crunch JavaKula from the Seattle's Best cafe. We ended up at the check out late at exactly the same moment, and she was first. As she was checking out, I walked up close, completely unintentionally, and I realized she too had picked up the above mentioned Starbucks book. I gasped and pointed out that I had the very same book. As we laughed together, she said the ever famous saying, "Great minds..." Yet, as my fiance and I walked out, he jokingly chided that he had in fact considered slipping an a "Psychotic minds think alike." How about that? What is that all about? Psychotic? Please... ... ...
He just knows me too well. :)