Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I'm feeling an emotional downpour.

For those of you who are friends of mine on Facebook, you may have noticed my status updates have been dreary as of late. That is because I feel dreary. Over the past weekend, I witnessed so much change in my life, and I have tried to become more relaxed about change. This was all just an overload, however.

My fiance and I looked at our first prospective house. It needs a lot of work done that he, his friends, and even my sister's husband are all capable of doing and doing well. Its the home his mom grew up in, though. It is tied to the family, and for that reason, I feel a connection with it. The only real problem is our credit, though. He's asking a reasonable price for the house, though I would still like to have a professional price the house for us. We just struggled a lot last year, and we are finally getting back on our feet, raising our credit score, and my fiance is being made to work less. We were smarter this time around, though. We shut off the cable and Internet before it got to a point where we couldn't pay the bill. We want to stay on top of our financial situation instead of letting it hit us like a ton of bricks, so I guess you could say it is a learning experience.

Shortly after we looked at that house and made our pro-con list, my friend called. My friend and I have been friends since kindergarten, for 15 years. We have seen many hard times. We have experienced a few good fights, but we always came back to each other in the end. This time, I don't believe that is the case.

She and her room mate, my other friend from high school, called and put me on speaker phone. I had sent my high school friend and e-mail last Friday apologizing for the fact that I can't come see them more. I don't have a car anymore since the transmission blew up. From there, it turned into a back and forth discussion about how I apparently am not "reciprocating" their efforts to continue our friendship, how they are trying so hard to keep it alive and I just don't care. I tried to explain to them that we are just in different places in our lives right now, with me suffering such a huge loss less than two years ago, me getting married, and me wanting to start a family soon. I'm also no longer a college student, and my priorities have changed. I guess that's not allowed, though.

I was served with an ultimatum. They said to me, "We know this sounds like a terrible thing to say, but we want all or nothing." They did not want to catch up with me later in life because they acted like that was a ridiculous notion. They wanted me to come see them more than "once every two months, and we want to talk to you more than once every two weeks." I understand that they want me to call more. I could have called more than I did, but I could count on one hand the number of times my high school friend called me in the past two years. In all honesty, I expected this from my high school friend. This isn't the first time I've felt stabbed in the back by her. My 15 year friend completely threw me for a loop, though. She had just come to my house a week or two ago. We had been talking on the phone a lot, and then all of a sudden, nothing. By the time I realized she hadn't called me in awhile and thought I needed to call her, I guess it was too late. I did call her. She sounded like something was wrong, and I asked her about it. She said there was nothing wrong and asked if she could call me back later.

I have heard her use that line so many times when someone calls her and she doesn't want to talk to them. I knew I was the problem, but I just felt it was immature not to just tell me she was upset with me. I didn't feed into it, and apparently, that was the end for her. I had even sent her a text message saying I didn't believe that she was fine, and she said she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her that her voice was giving her away and when she was ready to tell me what was going on, I would be there to listen. Where in all of that does it sound like I don't care?

So for the past three days, I have been running over and over this in my mind, trying desperately to figure out where I went wrong with my 15 year friend. I thought things were going so well. I thought we were fine. I had no idea she thought I didn't care. I had no idea she felt like I didn't want her in my life anymore, and I don't feel like this was entirely her opinion. I think she was swayed by the opinion of my high school friend, but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I just feel so betrayed. I talked to another of my friends yesterday and asked her if we were still friends because as I had assumed, they have already told our other friends about this. She said she was still my friend, but she just couldn't believe I would send them an e-mail "like that. It was like you don't even care anymore." Again, I was dumbfounded, but at this point I was just angry. I asked her if she even read the e-mails and if she read the e-mails from my high school friend to me, and she said she hadn't read them. She was just told about them, but conveniently, after that, she said she was not getting into the middle of this. My intention was not to bring her into the middle of it anyway. I am just shocked that no one wants to hear my side of the story, and no one respects the fact that I am always going to be different from them.

I feel like I can't trust any of the friends I thought I had that are my own age, and it is leaving me feeling very naive and ignorant. I am feeling so much pain at the loss of my 15 year friend because we really were very close, and none of this seems fair. I wish I could understand, but a lady I know commented my status on Facebook saying something that I feel like God is really trying to reiterate to me right now. I don't think she even realized it, but she did give me much comfort.

"Not that it will make you feel any better about losing two people you cared for, I thought I would remind you that people come into our lives for different reasons. Some stay only a few seconds and some stay a lifetime. Your friends apparently served their purpose in your life, and a change was due. You are a very strong, caring, intelligent woman, and you will find a way to see the good in this when you are ready. Love ya!"

So, I guess the choice is up to me. Am I ready for this change? Am I ready to let go of my childhood? Am I really ready for all the growing up? Am I ready to follow God's plan for my life instead of my own shallow goals?

Yes. Yes, God! I am ready to follow Your purpose and find peace in it.

P.S. I want to send out a huge personal thank you to all of the ladies that stepped up to see how I was doing and offer your nuggets of wisdom. I know who my true friends are, and I know you guys will always be my security net. Thank you so much for that!


  1. As I was telling someone else, you are not losing as much as it feels like right now. The girls your age are not able to keep up with what is going on in your life right now. The funny part is that you were not upset with them for not being able to, but they are super seriously upset that you don't want to run off with them once a week to "get your toes done!" Either way, it will work out. I am sure it has already begun to work out in one way or another.

    I will always love you and I personally know a whole group of women who feel the same way!

  2. One thing my grandma has always said is that you will be a very lucky person if you can count your good friends on one hand. She also said that same thing that your friend on facebook said. People come in and out of your life, some stay really good friends and others dwindle away. It's ok for people to fall away from each other, you are going in a different direction with your life, you have different goals in your life than your friends do. You will make new friends, ones who are married and starting families and who have similar goals in life as you do.

    Good luck, and I do know how hard this is, we have all been there at some point. Transition from HS/College friends to "real life" friends is hard. If you ever need to talk or anything, I would gladly listen and offer comfort if I can.

  3. betrayal sucks! Why are you and that sister of yours so far away? Wish I could be a friend more than just FB and blogging.

  4. Well Marcia, if nothing else, you probably made her laugh! I know you just made my day!!!