Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I forgot?! No way!

So who believes I could have forgotten to mention something? I moved!! We now live in a two bedroom appartment with a big living room and a bathtub! I am super excited about the bathtub because I love to take long, relaxing, hot baths. Big T is using the extra bedroom as his "man room." Haha! I call it that because it is for he and his buddies to hang out in, for him to decorate or not decorate however he wants, and for all of his game stuff. Our bedroom is awesome too! I have a walk in closet with three sides to hang stuff on. It is so exciting because I can put my hamper in there and not take up floor space with it. I just can't get over being able to walk in my closet! I have always dreamed of the day when I could do that. ;) haha! Also, our living room has lots of floor space. None of our furniture is even touching each other. ;) It is all just so nice and roomy, yet cozy. I wish I could explain it to the full extent, but maybe some time I can post some pictures (AFTER we get unpacked. haha!)

It's that time again!!

If any of you are wondering what that time may be, it is mental breakdown time!! I am going to vent here, and I apologize for the whining, but every time I try to vent to Big T he cuts me off saying, "I get it! I understand what you are saying." He sounds all exasperated every time I try to rant about something like he is just going to implode if he has to hear another word of it, and I am sick of it!!! Conflict happens and you CANNOT avoid it all your life just because your parents pretended everything was cherries and sugar your whole life! OK, so now that I have gotten that out, I am ready to tell you all about my procrastination disease and where it has landed me now.

You would think that after so many years of procrastinating large projects, the projects might start to get smaller, but that would make sense. My brain does not make sense! Just the other day in fact, my brother gave me a five dollar bill to pick something up at the store for him. I took the five dollar bill and set it on top of my cell phone knowing that I would go to leave and pick up my cell phone and the five dollar bill at once and not forget either. I could have just as easily put the five dollar bill in my purse so as not to lose it, but if I had done that, I would have forgotten that my brother needed something at the store. The five dollar bill was a reminder to me that I needed to pick something up. Well, Big T thought he would be cute to say, "Hey, I found five dollars!" Low and behold, it threw off the whole process I had already planned out in my head, and I still don't know where that five dollar bill is. I don't even remember taking it away from him. I know I did, and I set it back down on the end table. Everything after that is a blur, all because someone interrupted my process. It's ridiculous and it gets very aggravating because I can not control it. Anyway, I have gotten completely away from where I was going.

This year, I am making Christmas presents. My first plan was to crochet socks for everyone and make pajama pants. So far, the easiest part was buying all the supplies. Actually using them has been the issue. I have one pair of socks done out of about 16. People will still get their socks, but they won't get them for Christmas by any means. The pajama pants WILL be done. I spent the last two days cutting out material for those pants. My feet were throbbing, my back is all twisted in knots, and they will be getting done. Well, somehow between my house and my sister's house, the foot on the sewing machine, the little metal piece that holds the fabric down under the needle, has gone missing. My brother carried it from my sister's house to my house. Then Big T set it up for me and plugged it in, so until this morning when I was all ready to start sewing before work, I had not laid hands on this sewing machine. As soon as I go to put the fabric in, I notice there is no foot. I searched the house high and low, retraced my brother's steps to and from the car, and even searched in my car. There is no foot anywhere, not to mention that it is insanely small, so I probably wouldn't find it anyway!! At this point, I was already ready to rip my hair out. All I can think is, "It was not supposed to be like this! Christmas is not supposed to be a mess and stressful! I am supposed to have gifts to give!" Slowly, I am breaking down.

Well, I go to the only store in our small town, yes the same small town I claimed to love just days ago, and they do not carry any sewing machine replacement parts, though they do carry sewing machines and all the accessories. Dumb, right?! So, I grab some wrapping paper because cardboard boxes with a picture on them are insanely priced, and I leave there in a huff. I call my sister to tell her of my woes, and because it is her sewing machine, I think she was just as mad as I was that someone was irresponsible with her sewing machine. Eventually, my sister told me there was another different kind of foot. I put that one in, but I am still having an issue because the bobbin thread keeps catching up and pulling the needle. I know how to sew! I am getting very frustrated because nothing is working!! Even the foot petal wants to give me issues. It only wants to go on high speed.

Anyway, I still have high hopes that I will get the pants done, even though I had to cut the seam out of Big T's pants twice during my lunch break because of the bobbin thread coming out in globs. I don't know how to replace bobbin thread, either. This is all becoming such an issue! Now, of course, the entire county is covered in ice again, a very thick ice. I swear the heat from my anger will melt it tomorrow if I can't get to my sister's house for Christmas, especially if I stay up all night getting those damned pants done. I even broke my only ice scraper trying to get half an inch of ice off my windows. Christmas should be warm and fuzzy, not induce feelings of intense rage!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Home Sweet Home!

I am home at last! I am back at work. It is cold outside, and the town is covered in snow. There is even an impending ice storm tonight! About all of this, I am truly excited and content because I have been away from home for 2 and 1/2 days. It is simply excruciating to be away from home for me, but I find value in my simple belongings and simple life when I return. Nicole is doing well. They switched her pain medication, and as of last night, her pain had finally gone down and she was no longer vomitting. I have not checked in with her yet today, but I will let you all know when I do.

There is a little bit of bad news, though. My other friend that also went down there never made it out of St. Louis. Her car broke down, and they think it is her fuel injector. That is about a $200.00 replacement if they have to do that. She was also charged $50.00 to be towed less than a mile. For a trip that was relatively cheap because we stayed with Big T's sister, she is having to pull money out of savings or her credit card now to fix her car. Not to mention the huge let down when she realized she would not be able to go home last night and lay in her own bed. I feel so terrible for her. Today she has to run around to the mechanic, miss work, and I'm sure she doesn't feel up to par after sleeping in a hospital chair all night. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers so she can make it home quickly and safely today.

Back to my thoughts on home, though. When I drove into town last night, I was simply giddy and overjoyed to see Big T again, and give him a huge hug and lots of kisses. When I got home, he had chicken in the oven for us, and for those of you who don't know him, that is his way of being romantic. ;) I am just so in love with him and all his quirky behaviors! I went to the grocery store down the road and was enamored with joy at the fact that I can just go "down the road" for anything I need. Big cities are nice for vacation and fun things, but I think I may very well always be a small town girl. Also, as I was going to the grocery store (just down the road ;) ) I was looking around at all the familiar places I love and seeing them covered in snow, and I literally had a chill down my spine. I realized how much I love my town. When I went into the grocery store, I saw familiar faces, actually spoke to the woman in the deli who knew me by name, and witnessed others' familiar embraces. I felt very warm because I realized how much I truly value knowing my neighbors and really feeling part of a community. Six lane highways, a party every night, minimal Christmas decorations, and never knowing who is living next door to you simply cannot bring me happiness compared to the warmth of a small, close knit, gossipy community. They obviously have their downfalls, but someone always has your back when times get tough.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Surgery Update!

Hello all! Surgery is over! This morning, we were all up at 5 am in order to be at the hospital by six. I was staying about half an hour away from the hospital, and you all know how excited I was to be driving in the dark again. Not only was it dark, but it was snowing! I was a nervous wreck trying to drive to the hospital on the interstate and keep up with traffic, all the while envisioning all the ways I could die tragically in a pile up accident when all the geniuses around me realized the roads were too slick to be driving the normal 65 miles an hour. I am fine, though, and so is our brave little patient!

Through out her surgery, the nurse came in about ever 45 minutes to update us on what was happening and how things were going. It was very considerate of them. They were able to repair her mitral valve without replacing it, so that means she got to keep all her own pieces. She is happy about that.

When we got to see her, I couldn't help but think that she looked beautiful, though she was still covered in iodine all around her neck, no make up, hair disheveled, lying there with her eyes closed and mouth hanging open. She is so strong, and her spiritual heart is so big. Saying goodbye to her this morning was the hardest thing I had to do all day. She is ok, though. She didn't even lose her humor. The drugs make her speech near impossible, and she did finally fall to sleep again, but not before playing a terrible joke on us.

Have any of you ever seen The Notebook? If you have, you may or may not remember the wife having Alzheimer's and her mild freak out during an episode. Her husband would visit her every day, and very seldomly, she would have an episode where she would remember him for a very short time. During that time, he would dance with her or hold her and kiss her, but as soon as that episode was over, she had no clue who he was again. Anyway, at one point, he was calling her "Allie" and she freaked out, screaming, "Why are you calling me that?! Why are you calling me that?! NURSE!" Well, because Nicole's eyes were closed and she was in a drunken stupor, we didn't even see it coming when she yelled out as loud as her sedateness would allow and full of emphasis, "Why are you calling me that?! Why are you calling me that?!" The first time she said it, we were all trying to console her. It wasn't until the second time she said it that we realized what she was doing. The nurse had stepped in to tell her everything was ok, and we had to explain to the nurse that Nicole was simply quoting her favorite line from The Notebook to scare us. Then Nicole proceeded to slur out, "I'm shhuust shoking."

On that note, I believe all is well here, and I am off to see if our brave little patient is awake again. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I am on my way home tomorrow, so again, keep me in your thoughts on my drive back home. Thanks again! :)

Monday, December 15, 2008

Mixed Feelings

Tonight, I am leaving for St. Louis, and I am leaving with mixed emotions. Right now, I am sad and so surprised that the days just slipped away from me. It was about a month ago that one of my best friends told me she was having her second open heart surgery on December 16th. Now, all of a sudden, it is December 15th, and I'm off to St. Louis by myself. I am scared for what is to come but happy I can be there at the same time. I am also scared of making the "long" trip by myself. It's about 3.5 to 4 hours for me to drive there. I will be driving at night, which I hate, and St. Louis just had an ice storm yesterday. Please keep both me and my friend in your thoughts for the next few days.

I am taking my laptop with me to St. Louis, also. I will be keeping everyone that reads this blog posted on how I got there and how the surgery goes. I appologize for such a short posting, but work has been a mess today. I'm still there, too! Thank you for your thoughts! :)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Oh, If only, If only...

If only I had read the chapters! haha I cannot tell you how much I appreciate my sister's and Ant Knit's wishes of good luck. I am now down two finals and have one to go, but I am not feel so triumphant as I once was. I aced my first final. However, on my second final, I ran out of time and had it automatically submitted before I was done with my essay portion. I calculated that I lost about 40 out of 100 points, so I will get no better than a D on that final and a D in that class. It's sad because I had been doing so well....so well before I gave up. I was testing the waters, and they are the frigid waters of the real world where you do not test the waters because there is no one there to slap you back into reality. :)

My final final is an essay final. It has but six questions. Easy, you say? Doubt it. It would have been easy if I had read the chapters like I was supposed to. It would have been easy if I hadn't skipped class. It would have been easy had I not decided I wanted nothing to do with the academic world anymore. haha I am not even freaking out. I know I brought this on myself.

I am going to sell my books back today. I was hoping to sell them all back today, but as I have not read the chapters for my Psychology exam, I will not be able to sell that book back yet. I think my plan is going to be to take the books I am officially done with and sell them back today. Then, I will take the money I get from selling those books and get something to eat and see a movie with a friend of mine that has not seen me in about a month. Of course, the reason she hasn't seen me is because I always had that excuse that I had mountains of homework to catch up on. HA! There's the catch. I should never get behind on homework because I am not going to catch up on homework. The mere thought of going back to catch up on homework I missed is revolting to me. It's like taking steps backward when all I want to do is move forward. It's a desperately hopeless situation I'm in. I want the education if only the education allowed me to apply it right now, instead of reading about it right now and applying it later! Oh what a world, what a world...

Anyway, I am turning of the drama drain now, and I am off to sell my books. Then, tonight, I will return to conquer the evil Psychology exam! I have read all the questions, so I am prepared to mull them over all day, dreaming up new ways to B.S. my way through them. Oh please, just let it be over! If it weren't for being up to my ears in sock and pajama pant making, I would take the entire weekend off and do nothing, as sort of a slothy celebration of being done with the guilt of doing nothing the entire semester. Fantastic! Right?!

So again, thank you for your wishes of luck. They are deeply cherished, though they may not actually affect the productivity of my brain. Some day soon, when I am sitting in my own room with beautiful white mattresses covering every surface I could possibly bounce myself off of, wearing a lovely designer jacket with oh so many buckles that just hold my arms down to my body just so, and my eyes are bugging out of my head as by standers point and laugh, I will know you were all thinking of me, wishing me luck to get out of that desperate situation. ;)

I love you all! Goodnight and Good luck.....

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Lessons Learned

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday Dear Mooom!
Happy Birthday to you!

Mom, I love you with all of my being. Without you, I could never have existed and blossomed into the young woman I am today. Two times this week I have seen the quote by Thomas Edison about results.

"Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work."

:) When I saw it the first time, I thought it was insightful. When I saw it a second time, I realized someone, you or God, was trying to teach me something. (It's funny how things have to come at me a few times before I realize they were a lesson for me. ;) ) Anyway, I had been thinking about you, Mom, and I was worried that you felt you didn't get to teach me enough, that I didn't learn enough life lessons from you. That is when the lesson of this quote hit me. Very rarely did you place a controlling hand in my life and tell me I had to do something or absolutely could not do something, unless of course it was cleaning my room. ;) Almost always, you let me learn things on my own, subtly putting your input where you felt I needed it, telling me "I told you so," when I needed that. In learning my own lessons, you allowed me to become my own person. Also, in learning my own lessons, you were teaching me all the ways not to go about certain situations. Because you raised me in such a way that I learned many of my own lessons, knowing you were there to catch me if and when I fell, I can now value all the lessons you inadvertently taught me. Now, after typing this to you, I am realizing, you probably knew what you were doing all along. :) If you didn't, you kept faith that it would all work out in the end, as it has. I am just as crazy as you were, and I hope to have just as big a heart as you did. :) I love you, Mom, and I hope you are having a party in Heaven, celebrating the day God brought you into the world. I know He is as proud of you as I am.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Grown Up

I have been thinking about this idea of being "grown up" for quite some time, now. I have complained that I was thrown into the adult world and forced to be a "grown up." Yet, I don't feel so "grown up." I had been searching subconsciously for a meaning, for something that would make me feel "grown up." However, I think I have had an epiphany, thanks to the blogger "The Preppy Yogini." (If you ever have time, her blog is a wonderful place to find insight.) There is no true realm of "Grown Up" in relation to our spirits. A part of us will always have that child-like faith when we really need something to be fixed or when we really want to believe in someone. Another part of us will always experience the utter joy of running through the leaves on a fall day and throwing them above our heads without a care in the world. We may also always feel the thrill in conquering a large hill covered with snow armed only with our sleds and multiple layers of clothing. When someone gives us a gift, we feel the surprise and warmth of knowing someone was thinking of us, also the excitement and wonder at what it could be. All of the emotions we learn and experience as children follow us into adulthood. However, in the hustle and bustle of paying the bills, cleaning the house, taking care of the family, and the endless list of responsibilities we keep for ourselves, we sometimes mask those feelings, never fully expressing the fear, the joy, the sadness, the thrill and excitement or the carelessness that many of life's opportunities give to us. Somehow, in our minds, we stop ourselves from reacting in a child-like manner for fear of what others will think or for fear that we will seem immature. "Adults should be mature, curt, respectful, quiet, etc., etc.," we tell ourselves or think subconsciously. While all of these attributes are fine, there is a time and place for them just as there is a time and place for the innocent child-like excitement over the simple things in life.

No one truly enjoys being an adult all of the time. Many times there is not much fun to be experienced when being an adult, but don't you suppose that maybe God gives us those simple moments in order to revive our child-like faith and joy? Don't you suppose He loves us enough to give us the gentle escapes from adulthood? So if you can believe that, it should not be any harder to let your hair down and laugh from deep in your belly or jump for joy the next time something makes you truly happy.

Have a wonderful day, all! :)