I forgot?! No way!

So who believes I could have forgotten to mention something? I moved!! We now live in a two bedroom appartment with a big living room and a bathtub! I am super excited about the bathtub because I love to take long, relaxing, hot baths. Big T is using the extra bedroom as his "man room." Haha! I call it that because it is for he and his buddies to hang out in, for him to decorate or not decorate however he wants, and for all of his game stuff. Our bedroom is awesome too! I have a walk in closet with three sides to hang stuff on. It is so exciting because I can put my hamper in there and not take up floor space with it. I just can't get over being able to walk in my closet! I have always dreamed of the day when I could do that. ;) haha! Also, our living room has lots of floor space. None of our furniture is even touching each other. ;) It is all just so nice and roomy, yet cozy. I wish I could explain it to the full extent, but maybe some time I can post some pictures (AFTER we get unpacked. haha!)

It's that time again!!

If any of you are wondering what that time may be, it is mental breakdown time!! I am going to vent here, and I apologize for the whining, but every time I try to vent to Big T he cuts me off saying, "I get it! I understand what you are saying." He sounds all exasperated every time I try to rant about something like he is just going to implode if he has to hear another word of it, and I am sick of it!!! Conflict happens and you CANNOT avoid it all your life just because your parents pretended everything was cherries and sugar your whole life! OK, so now that I have gotten that out, I am ready to tell you all about my procrastination disease and where it has landed me now.

You would think that after so many years of procrastinating large projects, the projects might start to get smaller, but that would make sense. My brain does not make sense! Just the other day in fact, my brother gave me a five dollar bill to pick something up at the store for him. I took the five dollar bill and set it on top of my cell phone knowing that I would go to leave and pick up my cell phone and the five dollar bill at once and not forget either. I could have just as easily put the five dollar bill in my purse so as not to lose it, but if I had done that, I would have forgotten that my brother needed something at the store. The five dollar bill was a reminder to me that I needed to pick something up. Well, Big T thought he would be cute to say, "Hey, I found five dollars!" Low and behold, it threw off the whole process I had already planned out in my head, and I still don't know where that five dollar bill is. I don't even remember taking it away from him. I know I did, and I set it back down on the end table. Everything after that is a blur, all because someone interrupted my process. It's ridiculous and it gets very aggravating because I can not control it. Anyway, I have gotten completely away from where I was going.

This year, I am making Christmas presents. My first plan was to crochet socks for everyone and make pajama pants. So far, the easiest part was buying all the supplies. Actually using them has been the issue. I have one pair of socks done out of about 16. People will still get their socks, but they won't get them for Christmas by any means. The pajama pants WILL be done. I spent the last two days cutting out material for those pants. My feet were throbbing, my back is all twisted in knots, and they will be getting done. Well, somehow between my house and my sister's house, the foot on the sewing machine, the little metal piece that holds the fabric down under the needle, has gone missing. My brother carried it from my sister's house to my house. Then Big T set it up for me and plugged it in, so until this morning when I was all ready to start sewing before work, I had not laid hands on this sewing machine. As soon as I go to put the fabric in, I notice there is no foot. I searched the house high and low, retraced my brother's steps to and from the car, and even searched in my car. There is no foot anywhere, not to mention that it is insanely small, so I probably wouldn't find it anyway!! At this point, I was already ready to rip my hair out. All I can think is, "It was not supposed to be like this! Christmas is not supposed to be a mess and stressful! I am supposed to have gifts to give!" Slowly, I am breaking down.

Well, I go to the only store in our small town, yes the same small town I claimed to love just days ago, and they do not carry any sewing machine replacement parts, though they do carry sewing machines and all the accessories. Dumb, right?! So, I grab some wrapping paper because cardboard boxes with a picture on them are insanely priced, and I leave there in a huff. I call my sister to tell her of my woes, and because it is her sewing machine, I think she was just as mad as I was that someone was irresponsible with her sewing machine. Eventually, my sister told me there was another different kind of foot. I put that one in, but I am still having an issue because the bobbin thread keeps catching up and pulling the needle. I know how to sew! I am getting very frustrated because nothing is working!! Even the foot petal wants to give me issues. It only wants to go on high speed.

Anyway, I still have high hopes that I will get the pants done, even though I had to cut the seam out of Big T's pants twice during my lunch break because of the bobbin thread coming out in globs. I don't know how to replace bobbin thread, either. This is all becoming such an issue! Now, of course, the entire county is covered in ice again, a very thick ice. I swear the heat from my anger will melt it tomorrow if I can't get to my sister's house for Christmas, especially if I stay up all night getting those damned pants done. I even broke my only ice scraper trying to get half an inch of ice off my windows. Christmas should be warm and fuzzy, not induce feelings of intense rage!

Home Sweet Home!

I am home at last! I am back at work. It is cold outside, and the town is covered in snow. There is even an impending ice storm tonight! About all of this, I am truly excited and content because I have been away from home for 2 and 1/2 days. It is simply excruciating to be away from home for me, but I find value in my simple belongings and simple life when I return. Nicole is doing well. They switched her pain medication, and as of last night, her pain had finally gone down and she was no longer vomitting. I have not checked in with her yet today, but I will let you all know when I do.

There is a little bit of bad news, though. My other friend that also went down there never made it out of St. Louis. Her car broke down, and they think it is her fuel injector. That is about a $200.00 replacement if they have to do that. She was also charged $50.00 to be towed less than a mile. For a trip that was relatively cheap because we stayed with Big T's sister, she is having to pull money out of savings or her credit card now to fix her car. Not to mention the huge let down when she realized she would not be able to go home last night and lay in her own bed. I feel so terrible for her. Today she has to run around to the mechanic, miss work, and I'm sure she doesn't feel up to par after sleeping in a hospital chair all night. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers so she can make it home quickly and safely today.

Back to my thoughts on home, though. When I drove into town last night, I was simply giddy and overjoyed to see Big T again, and give him a huge hug and lots of kisses. When I got home, he had chicken in the oven for us, and for those of you who don't know him, that is his way of being romantic. ;) I am just so in love with him and all his quirky behaviors! I went to the grocery store down the road and was enamored with joy at the fact that I can just go "down the road" for anything I need. Big cities are nice for vacation and fun things, but I think I may very well always be a small town girl. Also, as I was going to the grocery store (just down the road ;) ) I was looking around at all the familiar places I love and seeing them covered in snow, and I literally had a chill down my spine. I realized how much I love my town. When I went into the grocery store, I saw familiar faces, actually spoke to the woman in the deli who knew me by name, and witnessed others' familiar embraces. I felt very warm because I realized how much I truly value knowing my neighbors and really feeling part of a community. Six lane highways, a party every night, minimal Christmas decorations, and never knowing who is living next door to you simply cannot bring me happiness compared to the warmth of a small, close knit, gossipy community. They obviously have their downfalls, but someone always has your back when times get tough.

Surgery Update!

Hello all! Surgery is over! This morning, we were all up at 5 am in order to be at the hospital by six. I was staying about half an hour away from the hospital, and you all know how excited I was to be driving in the dark again. Not only was it dark, but it was snowing! I was a nervous wreck trying to drive to the hospital on the interstate and keep up with traffic, all the while envisioning all the ways I could die tragically in a pile up accident when all the geniuses around me realized the roads were too slick to be driving the normal 65 miles an hour. I am fine, though, and so is our brave little patient!

Through out her surgery, the nurse came in about ever 45 minutes to update us on what was happening and how things were going. It was very considerate of them. They were able to repair her mitral valve without replacing it, so that means she got to keep all her own pieces. She is happy about that.

When we got to see her, I couldn't help but think that she looked beautiful, though she was still covered in iodine all around her neck, no make up, hair disheveled, lying there with her eyes closed and mouth hanging open. She is so strong, and her spiritual heart is so big. Saying goodbye to her this morning was the hardest thing I had to do all day. She is ok, though. She didn't even lose her humor. The drugs make her speech near impossible, and she did finally fall to sleep again, but not before playing a terrible joke on us.

Have any of you ever seen The Notebook? If you have, you may or may not remember the wife having Alzheimer's and her mild freak out during an episode. Her husband would visit her every day, and very seldomly, she would have an episode where she would remember him for a very short time. During that time, he would dance with her or hold her and kiss her, but as soon as that episode was over, she had no clue who he was again. Anyway, at one point, he was calling her "Allie" and she freaked out, screaming, "Why are you calling me that?! Why are you calling me that?! NURSE!" Well, because Nicole's eyes were closed and she was in a drunken stupor, we didn't even see it coming when she yelled out as loud as her sedateness would allow and full of emphasis, "Why are you calling me that?! Why are you calling me that?!" The first time she said it, we were all trying to console her. It wasn't until the second time she said it that we realized what she was doing. The nurse had stepped in to tell her everything was ok, and we had to explain to the nurse that Nicole was simply quoting her favorite line from The Notebook to scare us. Then Nicole proceeded to slur out, "I'm shhuust shoking."

On that note, I believe all is well here, and I am off to see if our brave little patient is awake again. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I am on my way home tomorrow, so again, keep me in your thoughts on my drive back home. Thanks again! :)

Mixed Feelings

Tonight, I am leaving for St. Louis, and I am leaving with mixed emotions. Right now, I am sad and so surprised that the days just slipped away from me. It was about a month ago that one of my best friends told me she was having her second open heart surgery on December 16th. Now, all of a sudden, it is December 15th, and I'm off to St. Louis by myself. I am scared for what is to come but happy I can be there at the same time. I am also scared of making the "long" trip by myself. It's about 3.5 to 4 hours for me to drive there. I will be driving at night, which I hate, and St. Louis just had an ice storm yesterday. Please keep both me and my friend in your thoughts for the next few days.

I am taking my laptop with me to St. Louis, also. I will be keeping everyone that reads this blog posted on how I got there and how the surgery goes. I appologize for such a short posting, but work has been a mess today. I'm still there, too! Thank you for your thoughts! :)

Oh, If only, If only...

If only I had read the chapters! haha I cannot tell you how much I appreciate my sister's and Ant Knit's wishes of good luck. I am now down two finals and have one to go, but I am not feel so triumphant as I once was. I aced my first final. However, on my second final, I ran out of time and had it automatically submitted before I was done with my essay portion. I calculated that I lost about 40 out of 100 points, so I will get no better than a D on that final and a D in that class. It's sad because I had been doing so well....so well before I gave up. I was testing the waters, and they are the frigid waters of the real world where you do not test the waters because there is no one there to slap you back into reality. :)

My final final is an essay final. It has but six questions. Easy, you say? Doubt it. It would have been easy if I had read the chapters like I was supposed to. It would have been easy if I hadn't skipped class. It would have been easy had I not decided I wanted nothing to do with the academic world anymore. haha I am not even freaking out. I know I brought this on myself.

I am going to sell my books back today. I was hoping to sell them all back today, but as I have not read the chapters for my Psychology exam, I will not be able to sell that book back yet. I think my plan is going to be to take the books I am officially done with and sell them back today. Then, I will take the money I get from selling those books and get something to eat and see a movie with a friend of mine that has not seen me in about a month. Of course, the reason she hasn't seen me is because I always had that excuse that I had mountains of homework to catch up on. HA! There's the catch. I should never get behind on homework because I am not going to catch up on homework. The mere thought of going back to catch up on homework I missed is revolting to me. It's like taking steps backward when all I want to do is move forward. It's a desperately hopeless situation I'm in. I want the education if only the education allowed me to apply it right now, instead of reading about it right now and applying it later! Oh what a world, what a world...

Anyway, I am turning of the drama drain now, and I am off to sell my books. Then, tonight, I will return to conquer the evil Psychology exam! I have read all the questions, so I am prepared to mull them over all day, dreaming up new ways to B.S. my way through them. Oh please, just let it be over! If it weren't for being up to my ears in sock and pajama pant making, I would take the entire weekend off and do nothing, as sort of a slothy celebration of being done with the guilt of doing nothing the entire semester. Fantastic! Right?!

So again, thank you for your wishes of luck. They are deeply cherished, though they may not actually affect the productivity of my brain. Some day soon, when I am sitting in my own room with beautiful white mattresses covering every surface I could possibly bounce myself off of, wearing a lovely designer jacket with oh so many buckles that just hold my arms down to my body just so, and my eyes are bugging out of my head as by standers point and laugh, I will know you were all thinking of me, wishing me luck to get out of that desperate situation. ;)

I love you all! Goodnight and Good luck.....

Lessons Learned

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday Dear Mooom!
Happy Birthday to you!

Mom, I love you with all of my being. Without you, I could never have existed and blossomed into the young woman I am today. Two times this week I have seen the quote by Thomas Edison about results.

"Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work."

:) When I saw it the first time, I thought it was insightful. When I saw it a second time, I realized someone, you or God, was trying to teach me something. (It's funny how things have to come at me a few times before I realize they were a lesson for me. ;) ) Anyway, I had been thinking about you, Mom, and I was worried that you felt you didn't get to teach me enough, that I didn't learn enough life lessons from you. That is when the lesson of this quote hit me. Very rarely did you place a controlling hand in my life and tell me I had to do something or absolutely could not do something, unless of course it was cleaning my room. ;) Almost always, you let me learn things on my own, subtly putting your input where you felt I needed it, telling me "I told you so," when I needed that. In learning my own lessons, you allowed me to become my own person. Also, in learning my own lessons, you were teaching me all the ways not to go about certain situations. Because you raised me in such a way that I learned many of my own lessons, knowing you were there to catch me if and when I fell, I can now value all the lessons you inadvertently taught me. Now, after typing this to you, I am realizing, you probably knew what you were doing all along. :) If you didn't, you kept faith that it would all work out in the end, as it has. I am just as crazy as you were, and I hope to have just as big a heart as you did. :) I love you, Mom, and I hope you are having a party in Heaven, celebrating the day God brought you into the world. I know He is as proud of you as I am.

Grown Up

I have been thinking about this idea of being "grown up" for quite some time, now. I have complained that I was thrown into the adult world and forced to be a "grown up." Yet, I don't feel so "grown up." I had been searching subconsciously for a meaning, for something that would make me feel "grown up." However, I think I have had an epiphany, thanks to the blogger "The Preppy Yogini." (If you ever have time, her blog is a wonderful place to find insight.) There is no true realm of "Grown Up" in relation to our spirits. A part of us will always have that child-like faith when we really need something to be fixed or when we really want to believe in someone. Another part of us will always experience the utter joy of running through the leaves on a fall day and throwing them above our heads without a care in the world. We may also always feel the thrill in conquering a large hill covered with snow armed only with our sleds and multiple layers of clothing. When someone gives us a gift, we feel the surprise and warmth of knowing someone was thinking of us, also the excitement and wonder at what it could be. All of the emotions we learn and experience as children follow us into adulthood. However, in the hustle and bustle of paying the bills, cleaning the house, taking care of the family, and the endless list of responsibilities we keep for ourselves, we sometimes mask those feelings, never fully expressing the fear, the joy, the sadness, the thrill and excitement or the carelessness that many of life's opportunities give to us. Somehow, in our minds, we stop ourselves from reacting in a child-like manner for fear of what others will think or for fear that we will seem immature. "Adults should be mature, curt, respectful, quiet, etc., etc.," we tell ourselves or think subconsciously. While all of these attributes are fine, there is a time and place for them just as there is a time and place for the innocent child-like excitement over the simple things in life.

No one truly enjoys being an adult all of the time. Many times there is not much fun to be experienced when being an adult, but don't you suppose that maybe God gives us those simple moments in order to revive our child-like faith and joy? Don't you suppose He loves us enough to give us the gentle escapes from adulthood? So if you can believe that, it should not be any harder to let your hair down and laugh from deep in your belly or jump for joy the next time something makes you truly happy.

Have a wonderful day, all! :)

I am finally not sick anymore! I truly thought my head might split open. I had even envisioned how that might look when it happened, but I am finally not sick anymore!

This past week has been an insane emotional roller coaster for me. I think that is what pushed the sickness. My body had had enough of my fretting. Have you ever had expectations of an event only to have all your expectations fall through? That was how I felt about last week. My first mishap was my emotional meltdown spawned by absolute grief and missing my Mommy. I had been keeping myself so busy that I felt my sadness bombarded me. It was very painful to realize I would wake up on Thursday and my mom would not be there for Thanksgiving. This is my second holiday season without her, but as a lady at my job pointed out, last year was a blur. This was the year that I had time to think about that fact that she was gone, and it was very painful.

My actual Thanksgiving day was not so much a mishap as much as a disappointment. Apparently I was late, again. That is really getting old. I am not "late" because I mean to be or even by accident. I was actually ready to go at one p.m. When I talked to my sister, neither of us could remember what time she said to have people come over, so I said I would be there around 2:30 or three. I did get there around three, and I thought I was on time. However, S's mom was already there with his family, and they had already had the appetizers set up and the food was coming out of the oven. I was really just upset from that point on. I had really had my hopes set on going to my sister's house and hanging out for an hour or two before the food was actually ready. That was thrown out the door as soon as I got there. We started eating about 20 minutes after I got there. That in itself was sort of stressful because there were just as many little ones as there were adults, and someone had to help get them food. I only got food for two little ones, but after that, my sister had the baby and ate in her room. The kids were in the kitchen with two of the other adults, and some of us were in the living room. I didn't eat much because I wasn't very hungry. When I was done, I went to crochet in my sister's room with her, and after about 3o minutes with her, my Grandma was ready to leave. I was responsible for taking her home, and my younger brother had asked me to take his girlfriend home about 15 minutes farther than where I was already going. He asked me last minute, and that just pushed whatever buttons I had left because he knows I can't stand when he does that. I left my sister's house around 5:30 or 6 and spent the next hour running people home and to the gas station. I really laid into my brother for doing that again, and he apologized and gave me gas money. Apparently, during that hour that I was running people around, I missed the time when my family was actually sitting and talking with each other. That just made me even more angry.

I had said before Thanksgiving that I was not going to be running on someone else's schedule throughout the day, and that is exactly what I did. That night, my throbbing headache came back, and I spent the next two days on the couch. I also missed two days of work, which was fantastic because Big T missed two days last week and the plant closed down all week for Thanksgiving this week. My co-workers were great, though. They offered to work my shift for me because they could see how awful I felt and didn't want to get sick. It's the time for flu fears.

In good news, though, I am making much headway on my sister's oldest daughter's socks. I have also learned how to use looms to make hats, and I managed to make it to Joann Fabrics on Black Friday to get my some 45 yards of flannel to make pajamas for my family. I am finally feeling like myself again. We are going to get our tree up soon, and the semester is almost over. There are finals next week, and I could not be more thrilled to be done with it. I am taking a small break next semester, taking only two classes, and I hope to have a wonderful Christmas season from here on out. However, I will probably not have such high hopes this time. I will also make sure I am on time so I don't miss out on too much.

Da Da Da Duhhhh!!!!

I have finished my very first sock ever! I tried my luck at knitting and failed! However, I had crocheted before, and now I will continue to crochet much more. I am so excited to have made a sock, but I still have 19 and a 1/2 pairs left to do, give or take. I'm making them for the whole family! I thought this would be cheaper to do since I am broke for the holidays, but it turns out, it really isn't! Ha! It's really ok, though. If I buy my pieces a little at a time, it is less painful, and my family will hopefully cherish these babies at least until winter is over.

My weekend was different than they have been for awhile. I spent some much needed time with my sister! We went to a holiday craft show, and I saw so much creativity. It was really amazing to have so many crafty people all in a HUGE building like that, and I got a few ideas for things I would like to try. I also saw my brother this weekend, my older one. We watched the Bears' game together with our significant others and his significant others' mom. We had chili and roast afterward. It was a nice little get together.

I was all hyped up about going to the parade and the romance of it all, but I think somehow I knew I wouldn't go. Big T was finally almost not sick, and my sister also stayed home. I just stayed at her house for a while and worked on my wonderful sock. I am sad that I didn't get to cuddle up with Big T, but he was still a little sick, anyway. Can't have that! haha

Hope you all had as cozy a weekend as I!

This Christmas

We are kicking of the Christmas season around here in my community. Our lighted holiday parade is Saturday, and I am very excited! My plan is to park Big T's truck up town where I want to sit. Then we will go up there when we are ready, walk around, probably get some chili and baked goods, and end the night sitting in the back of the truck, all bundled up, under a blanket and sipping hot cocoa as we gaze upon the beautiful Christmas floats. The most important part is making sure it actually goes this way...but don't burst my fantasy land bubble.

Anyway, the point of this blog (as if any of you should be surprised I got off topic) is to express some emotions I am left with after watching the movie with Chris Brown, This Christmas. The movie overall was very touching, as most Christmas movies tend to be. There was chaos, too, as my sister will verify holidays inexplicably bring. The best part of the movie was the stress on the importance of family. No matter how much drama was created, and there was plenty of drama, the family all came together in the end.

Now, I may have been able to predict an ending of this sort, but these endings will always move me deep down in my heart. I know that having big families can be hassle, but toward the end of the movie, the mother looks out over her family with such pride and joy in her eyes. I was overwhelmed with the desire to have that. I want to be someone's mother. I want to be a few someone's mothers. My sister has told me so many times not to have so many kids...even my mom had told me to not have a lot of children, but I have a true value for large families. Just the other day, I told a friend, there is always something to do, and there is rarely time to feel alone. I can always call someone up and talk about my day or hang out. Now that my sister has carried on this tradition, there are even more people to have fun with.

However, in all the joy of families, I was stricken with some sadness, as I have been so often lately. It was painful to realize that my mom will never look at me with that pride again. If my big brother makes it big some day with his singing, she will not be here to look at him with pride and love. On my little brother's graduation day, his mom will not be there to give him a hug and throw him a party, buying a cake with his face on it. I just miss her terribly lately. I never know which comes first, the messy house or the longing to be with my mom again, but they always go hand in hand. All in all, I would be lost with out my family...If I had been an only child, I just don't know where I would be right now.

I could very well lose my mind!

My house is a wreck.
There are blankets piling up in my living room.
The yarn is overtaking me, a constant damned reminder that I can't do anything with it.
The dishes are piled high to the sky, and for some reason they smell like peppers?!
There is a sick, puking man in my house who has been out of work for two days with the flu.
He has to take a week off for Thanksgiving because the plant is shutting down, and he used all his vacation days for "fun," taking off days whenever he just ehhhh....didn't feel like going in.
He doesn't have the sick time to cover all of these days off, so we are just pulling money out our asses now, right?!
He must know of some miracle drug to make him not care about anything, but for the sake of our relationship and the fact that he has been puking since 1am, I am not yelling at him!
My bedroom is a mess, again.
My clothes look like they exploded because when I can't find something, I just get pissed and dump it all out on the floor.
The sheet is ripped off the bed at night because SOMEONE can't learn how to stop pulling it off when they sleep.
Not to mention our mattress is practically an ugly brown color now, though when we bought it it was white!
I have another huge exam today, and guess what guys, IT'S NOT FINISHED!!!!!
Oh, you know, somewhere between taking care of a sick man, learning to knit and getting very frustrated with that, and being sick with all of this garbage going on in my head, the exam just didn't seem so important!
I can't breathe through my nose.
I got some freaking allergy medicine, but I didn't take it until last night, so it won't kick in until practically tomorrow.
Don't even tell me about my run on sentence!!!!
My brain can't handle any more.
I have been so happy for so long, visiting my family, hanging out with friends, cleaning up little messes.
Where did it all go wrong?
How did I get back in this funk?
When did my house become a complete disaster?
I just want to avoid it because I DID NOT CREATE THIS MESS!

My dream last night was strange, too. I was hanging out with this rich family, you know the ones that drawl every word they say. Well, they started to really piss me off, so I started to trip them and cut them off. Finally I convinced them to just stop acting like jerks, and we all piled into a little SUV to go change their lives and make them look and act like normal people. Well, I don't know what happened to the parents, because the dad decided he couldn't handle it, and he needed to go back to work, and myself and a girl and a guy ended up in a trashy, hick store selling crappy electric guitars. We wore wigs with no backs on them, and we were afraid to walk away from anyone because they would see that we were wearing wigs. We had to wear them, though, because this store required you to be a certain age (God knows what) to go in. In the end, we had no money, and I really wanted to buy a guitar, but I had to prove to the owner that I was18, so I flashed him. Turns out, all his guitars really were crap, but all of a sudden, I was trying to by a guitar with my big brother and Big T. They had seen the whole flashing incident, and their only worry was whether or not he was selling (giving me, actually, because my boobs had payed the price) a crappy guitar. Well, none of them would fit, they were all oddly shaped with awful strings, falling apart and made of plastic. I couldn't even play guitar either! How dumb is that because I CAN play guitar?

I think this dream is revealing my fear of being incompetent enough to keep my house clean, learn new songs, learn to knit socks, and do my homework. You'll notice there was nothing about work in that dream, because so far, my workplace is my escape from the real world. I go there, interact with people and really enjoy it. The wig with the no backs is revealing my fear that people are seeing right through me and I am not wearing my worries very well.

On top of allllllll of that, I found myself so angry yesterday. I am angry again, much like I was this time last year, that time is pulling me further away from my mother. I want my mom! I am nineteen years old, and I am losing my mind over adult stuff, and it just isn't fair! I am sick of having to worry about my house being a disaster, my dishes piling up, not being able to have people over because the house is too disgusting, not getting homework done because I am too distracted with everything else...I can't even tell my mom any of this. I can't even go running to her house for a few days, to stay with her and feel like a kid again. I am stuck in this stupid world of feeling like a kid and being stuck with adult responsibilities. I just want to be a kid for awhile!! These are all just very crucial times when I need to be able to cry to my mom and tell her how hard the world is and how much it sucks, and she will tell me "I told you so, you never should have moved out." and I would look at her and roll my eyes and say, "I wanted to move out, though. I'm not so unhappy that I would want to move back home permanently." She would do her classic smile, and if I didn't know what I know now, I would never realize that she had just taught me a lesson without teaching me my lesson. That's how she always did it with me. She knew that telling me, "I told you so." pushed my buttons to no end and would make me realize that I wanted whatever it was that I wanted and I would get back up on my horse, but she never actually told me I was wrong. She had a special knack for letting me realize it on my own. At my job they call that "helping the customer to save face," basically not embarrassing them in front of everyone, letting them realize their own mistake without making them feel like a fool.

Well, all, my rant is over. Congratulations for reading to the end! Why don't you go have a cookie and some milk and pretend you are a kid again... ;)

Rewarding

Today, my sister gave me a wonderful gift. She may or may not even know she gave it to me. She asked me if I would help with her with her Sunday School kids. She is letting them sew pillows for their parents, and she wanted to know if I could help them sew while she gave the lesson. I left feeling all warm and fuzzy. I really can't explain it any other way. I have not been to church but one time since my mom died. I really want to go back, but every time, I find a reason not to go. Today, I got a chance to go back without feeling the pressure of sitting with a group of people much older than me. I was so excited driving over to the church. My soul was happy to be back. I can honestly say that I will definitely continue to help. I just hope there is still stuff for me to help with after the pillows. ;)

P.S. I'm not so sure my sister didn't know what she was doing when she asked me. If she did know, she is just as sly as I would expect. If she didn't, that is just another one of the things I love about her, her ability to do the big sister thing and help me overcome my fears.

After a very strange week for me emotionally, I feel back to normal. I had been itching to write a song about the two girls. Last night, I had the house to myself for awhile, so I went where my heart took me. I can't say that any of you will ever get to hear the song, not even my nearest and dearest. I didn't record it. I didn't write it down. I don't even feel sad about that like I normally would. It was not meant for the world to hear, and it was not meant to gain recognition. It was just meant to clean my soul a bit.

I have to say, I really love this blogging thing. When I was really down this week, and I posted my blog, I got a lot of comments pretty much letting me know I was not alone. I also read the blogs of some other ladies around Middleofnowheresville, USA, and I felt much more at ease knowing my feelings were normal and shared. Once again, the blogging world came to my rescue! :)

I went to another concert last night. I am still not comfortable up front where the action is. So much so that when a mosh pit happened, and I was watching from a table over yonder, I got a wiff of beer. Mix that with my anxiety about having my head busted open again, and you get the pukey feeling in your stomach and the feeling of something warm running down your body (no, not pee! haha). I don't know when I will be comfortable rocking out up front again, and that is really a sad thing for me. When we go to watch our boys (Verdict, check em out on myspace; www.myspace.com/verdictmusic) I can feel their passion in the songs they sing. The music just moves through me, and it is healing for me. Whatever crap I have dealt with in the week, I can just hold my head up and tell all the bad stuff to go to H***. (haha, You can tell I'm not much of a cusser.) Someone has taken that away from me, though, and they don't even have the gall to tell me who it was. I honestly could care less about the bottle and the stitches, not that I want them again. What hurts the most is that someone has made me afraid to do something I really love.

Anyway, I am really feeling "free-er" (I believe I should talk in my blog exactly how I would probably talk to you if you were in front of me. My sister can vouch for that!! haha). I'm off to do some shopping today for some fabric! Retail therapy!! Haha

Engulfed

Is there not a fire around all of us?
We are trying frantically to get out.
We know this is killing us.
We know we need to find a different way.
We are suffocating.
It's just to hard to go on.
Where is everyone?
I need someone to help me.
Why would they leave me when I need them the most?
We lay down.
We accept our fate.
It hurts...
But it will all be over soon.
-In Memory of Madisyn Moore and Shanna Radakovich

Sometimes life can feel so overwhelming that I just want to give up. Today sort of feels like one of those days. I feel as though I envision someone else's sorrow so much and imagine how exactly I would feel if it were me in their place that I end up feeling as though I had gone through their exact situation. Today, I am exhausted. I couldn't tell you what I dreamt about last night, but I woke up thinking about Madisyn and Shanna. I didn't know these girls, but I can't stop my imagination from running, thinking about their lives, their friends, their thoughts, what they wanted to do in life, what they had been talking about at their sleep over, any angle my head comes up with. I feel sick with grief, for their mothers especially.

This past week, I have heard of four deaths in this small community. People are going to die every day, people all over the world. There is nothing I can do to stop that. However, I deeply wish that I could stop the amount of pain that results from the trauma of a death. No one deserves to live with the questions, the guilts, the what ifs, and no one deserves to feel so helpless and worthless as they sometimes do when they lose someone.

Today, my soul sits inside my body, weeping for those that are about to experience some of the most tumultuous times of their lives. I wish I could join my soul in the abyss that is inside me, but I have to keep moving, if for nothing else, than for fear of losing myself again.

Pre-Thanksgiving Post

Hey all! It has been a few days, but man have they been a packed few days. Friday night was sort of a disappointment. We went to see our friends play, but we all experienced some disequilibrium. Normally our guys play at about 10, possibly 11 pm. On Friday, though, it was sort of a last minute show in order to play with a band they won't be playing with again until January. I really love that band. They are called Vanattica, if you want to check them out. Their lead singer has a great voice, and to see them perform could give you chills. They just have a great chemistry, so I love watching. Anyway, our guys, Verdict, went on at 8:30!! They were done by 9:45. The bar was still open!! Not only was the bar still open, but it was "Hip-Hop" night afterward. Now come on! Tell me it's not the slightest bit weird to go from a rock/metal concert to "Hip-Hop." Needless to say, we were home and in bed by 11, and no one was missing work the next day. However, as I was still walking through the crowd with my hands over my head (just in case), it was a nice gig to get me comfortable with the setting again. I still have three stitches to show from the last show. Another sort of side note, I really appreciated the people that remembered that I was hit with a beer bottle and asked me how I was doing. I really am creating some of my very own stories! haha :)

Anyway, if any of you are following my big sister's blog "My Crazy Kids!" you would have read about the birthday party yesterday for two of her crazies. Her version is slightly different than mine, though, as I am less frantic. ;) I was severely late! Though it made her completely crazy, more so than before, I really appreciate her waiting for us. I was sooooo sad when she sent me a text that I had gotten the time wrong. I thought I had missed the whole thing. Big T can attest to the rant. :) I really enjoyed the party, though. We had about 20 people there, so it should have been a good night for the bowling alley compared to the ghosties they normally have bowling...My sister was there with her 6, and Keekee was there with her 2 (one that sort of 1/3 belongs to my sister...hahaha...I kill myself), obviously, S, the dad was there (somehow, it feels wrong to say "Big S" haha), and Z's buddy was there. Then Big T, Big M, and Big J came with me along with another little one. Now, my sister is not kidding when she says she doesn't normally even invite anyone else, but birthday parties and holidays always end up being a big blow out that send her over the edge because our mom just had waaaay too many kids. And look! She did it to hers, too. (Sorry, just had to slip that one in. haha) Anyway, it was very busy with us there, but we were entertained...if not by the exploding butt baby or the unicorn baby, than by the starving orphan and the rest of the circus. I even finished the birthday presents I was making for the kids. I made "Bake" a scarf with some boy colors, and I made "Ponch" a bright green and pink necklace and bracelet set that I really hope she likes. She has the same kind of fashion sense I did when I was her age, so I went with it. haha

After that birthday party, Big T and I went with my two brothers to a friend's house. We played that newer game Rock Band. It was pretty cool, but the drum set has a foot petal that they actually expect you to be coordinated enough to incorporate! You should all assume I gave up on that real quick. The night wasn't completely wasted, though. My big brother and I went to the back room and were messing around with my guitar.

Since I have started taking lessons and he loves to write and sing, we've been trying to come up with stuff. Last night, though, he was just telling me to play whatever was in my heart. Well, my heart was blank. It wasn't so much that, but my heart was happy, and I know that my big brother's heart isn't so much happy. I knew whatever I played would not coincide with what his heart feels. He's still dealing with the anger and bitterness from our mom dying...not just that but the pain as well. So, I did the best thing I could think of to force him to deal with it. I made myself remember that day. I made myself go through the motions of the day my mom died, and I made myself put that to music. It was really all over the place. I remembered being frantic so I strummed some dark sounding chords really fast, then I remembered her actual death, and the strumming was still dark but slower, much slower. Then I remembered us joking around and telling stories about mom, how we all were able to laugh, strangely, though our mom had just died. I played some lighter notes at a steady pace. That is wear my big brother jumped in. He started to sing, and I kept remembering, listening to his words, and planning my next step. When he would get louder, I would play my C or my G and strum really loud and fast, and when he would get softer, I would switch to my Am or E and strum slower and quieter. At some point, though, he said something that just grabbed my heart, and I stared to cry. There was another girl in the room. It was her house, but I think it was perfect that we shared this emotional moment with her. She told us yesterday that her mom had a brain biopsy done. She has tumors in her brain, her spine and some of her organs. They will know after this test if it is cancerous, though I feel like I already know that answer. I told her that my suggestion was not to sound morbid, but that she couldn't run from it like I did. She had to take every moment for granted and spend as much time with her mom as possible. This girl is my age, and already has a baby. To me, that is more devastating than it was for me because I don't have any children yet.

Anyway, for a split second, as I started to cry, I wondered, "Should I just stop?" Then, my musician's soul took over, and I couldn't stop. I just closed my eyes and cried, and my soul took over, directing my fingers to the chords, matching in perfect harmony with my older brother, both of us crying but never stopping. Then he got to another quiet part of the song, and I was playing softly. He didn't start up another line immediately, so I took it as my cue to end off the song. I strummed my last two quiet strums, and my hands dropped from my guitar. As I lifted them to my face, the girl and my brother ran to me and embraced me, all three of us crying and sharing that beautiful moment.

My mom had been there the whole time. Somewhere around the beginning, the lights had flickered, and I immediately thought, "She's here." I didn't tell anyone that because if she hadn't told them, they weren't meant to know. It was just the feeling I got. We had the tape recorder rolling, too. I'm sure it won't be as beautiful when it's not the actual experience, but at least we have it to look back on.

Oh yeah! The title of my post today comes from the fact that I am having an early Thanksgiving with Big T's family today! His sister is living around St. Louis, and this was the only time she could come up. We are having a special one for her. Then, on the actual day, I will go to my sister's, presumably, and then to Big T's again for another Thanksgiving that is geared more toward us that live here. It is exciting!! I can't believe it is that time of year again.

Sorry this is a four pager, haha, but I think a lot has happened, and when I don't post something ever day, it is bad news for all of you readers when I do get around to posting. :) Thanks guys!!

P.S. It is for that reason above that music is both a beautiful force and a terrifying factor in my life.

Those Women...

I don't have a three page long blog today. It is just a simple blog to express my great love of those special women in my life. I find pieces of them reflecting in my daily life, pieces I never knew we had in common. Tonight, we got together, some of us. I was, and will continue to be the youngest. While they all share their stories, I laugh along as if I have a clue. All the while I am learning about the world, being a sponge to their waterfall of experience. They are all so beautiful to me, my big sisters, my friends, my mommies. I always wonder if they realize what all they are to me. I learn from them, even in areas you would never think one could learn. I know this all very vague, but the happenings of our Girls' Nights are for us to know, not even to be disclosed amongst the blogging world. I always leave blissful, knowing that so much love could fill one room or one house or one heart, and feel as though I should go home and take notes over everything I learned. :) I won't take notes. I will store the memories of these beautiful women away in my brain, and I will continue to take their words out as they become necessary. Just as I hear my mom's voice constantly, without even being conscious of it many times, I will hear all the voices of these women whispering their kind words, the powerful words, their words of hatred toward anyone that breaks my heart ;), and their words of compassion. In one night, we experienced laughter, love, and joy, reflection, sadness and pain, and deepened a bond that will never be let go. I never would have thought that losing my mom would have brought about all of this in my life, but Mom is always here with me, always having her hand in my life, always guiding me and teaching me. Though I cannot see her, it is times like these, when all of us very different women get together, when I see all the aspects of my mother and feel her essence the strongest. Somewhere in the "cosmos" I think that is the point.

Oh Happy Days!!

Today was one of the most fantastic days of my life! It has been a long time since I felt so ecstatic. First of all, my morning started off very nice. Big T rolled over at 6am this morning, when his alarm went off for work, put his arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. I said, "Hmmm...Let's just stay like this aaallll day." Of course, his first response was, "I have some sick time." :) Anyway, I had classes today, so, obviously, I couldn't stay home all day. He however, did choose to stay home, and he cleaned!!! Our bedroom was a complete disaster. If I had a before picture, I would shamefully show you all just to show you how much work he did to clean it back up. Now, many of you may think that the mess was his fault, and that is why he was going to clean it. Oh no! This story gets even better. The mess in the bedroom is MY FAULT! I know that is terrible, but my philosophy has always been, "I can avoid my bedroom and shut the door." I always worry about the rest of my house before I worry about my bedroom. Then, it gets to the point where you can no longer see the floor, and you begin to wonder if it ever really existed, or if it was just a figment of your imagination. You are probably appalled, but I am just trying to be honest. I really want to exalt how much work Big T really did and how much I truly appreciate it. The bed is made and Febreezed (I swear by the stuff, and he remembered!). The floor really, truly does exist, and my clothes are stacked for me to put in my closet. My shoes are even all placed back in the shoe hanger in the closet. I know you ladies are all thinking, "What a man!!" I have to wholeheartedly agree. He is a very special breed, a needle in a haystack, if you will, and I cherish him! ;)

Now onto another topic. I VOTED today!! I am a woman. I am 19 years old, and IIIIII VOTED! I learned about women being able to vote and how recent a right it is, but when I learned it in school, it just didn't pack a punch. However, today, when I walked through those doors and saw women sitting handing out ballots, a woman in front of me filling out the application for her ballot, and some elderly women in the other line waiting to get their ballots, I was filled with a feeling of complete triumph. I had no idea what I was doing. I walked in with my voter registration card, not knowing if I needed it to vote. After I filled my application for a ballot out, I was ready to head over to the little closet thing to vote. I had envisioned the little hole poking things I heard about when I was little, nervous about a "hanging Chad." It turns out, we are slightly more advanced now, and we fill them out with a felt tip black marker, somewhat like taking a test. That increased the stakes a little for me. My mind was racing. "What if I fill in the wrong bubble? This is my very first ballot ever. I can't mess it up. What would that say about me as an American (with the word "American" booming in loud speakers, HA!)?" I did fill out my ballot, perfectly, if I do say so myself. Then I made three attempts to slide it into the black mechanical box before I finally got it to go. It was so fast. I mean, that box just ate up my very first ballot. My decision is forever set in stone. I handed in my black felt tip marker, thanked the ladies for their help, said hello to a man I knew, and walked out to my car, where I was overcome with the desire to send a mass text message to all the women in my life to tell them about my very important voting venture. All before 9 am and my morning coffee, AMAZING! To be a woman...all those years I complained. ;)

So of course, my school day was already set up to be fantastic. God was full of good blessings for me today! I went to my Psychology of Child Development class this morning and enjoyed a good discussion. Afterward, I went to my professor's office hours and talked to her about work I had been missing, only to realize I was only missing one thing. That was great! I then talked to her about taking a break from school, as I had said I wanted to do in one of my first blogs. She had much to say, and I valued her opinion. Overall, she wanted me to follow my heart. If that includes school or not, she said, was something I would have to learn. I then went to my Latin American class and thought about my decision. After that, I decided to go back to the academic adviser I had spoken to last week. I withdrew from my speech class, and I am now officially a part time student. I already feel more relaxed, though I am nervous for change and what it will bring for me. I am so ready to take a dive and experience life, though. I am ready to see what I want out of life, what I have to offer. I am going to contact a lady with the food bank close to my hometown. They are starting up a project in December or February that I would love to be apart of. I have a lot of hopes for my time off. I haven't yet decided if I will take a full break or if I will just take one or two classes that go along with helping people, service learning classes, psych classes or sociology classes. I am so ready to try something new for awhile and follow a schedule that is designed for me, not just a schedule that will get me out of school faster or to a degree faster. I want to enjoy my life along the way, not get to the degree and realize my life was a blur. We are never guaranteed tomorrow, so today is the best time to embrace life.

Finally, as sort of a kick off to my new freedoms and enjoying life, I have made a new necklace and finished the scarf I was working on to donate to needy children. I haven't had time to make any jewelery for myself for awhile, and I certainly can't afford to buy any. It was a nice reward, and finishing the scarf and envisioning some child wearing it to keep their little neck warm is a huge highlight! I am sure you have all had way more than enough of my glee, but I just wanted to share the joy. It has been such a long time since I had so much happiness to report, and I know, if any of you are like me, if you are having a bad day, you are ready to choke me for being so happy. Just come back and read this when you are happier, and it will mean more. HA!

Emotional Breakdown

It's funny the way the events of another person's life affect us emotionally. A lady I work with is losing her mom today. In the time that I have worked in my hometown, only about 8 months, this will be the second co-worker that will lose her mother. The first woman was my manager. She didn't ever get too emotional about it at work, and I didn't know if her mom had been sick or just elderly. I felt for her, knowing what it was like to wake up and need to call your mom only to realize you couldn't, but I didn't break down. However, today, it was agonizing, and still is, though I have had a good cry to help clear it out a little.

My co-workers mom has had Alzheimer's for quite awhile, and the family had been told she probably wouldn't make it through the rest of the week. She said she woke up every hour throughout the night last night sure she was going to be getting that dreaded phone call. She didn't get it in the night, though. She got it at work today. The family was told to assemble and say goodbye. I remember getting the phone call. I remember the utter panic, the tear at my heart. Do I tell her it is all right for her to leave me or do I freak and beg her to stay? My heart answered that for me, though my brain was telling me I was throwing myself to the wolves. I told her it was ok, and it shattered my heart and soul. After she died, the guilt rose up in me every single day for months on end. What if? It was terrible.

My co-worker said it was like losing her mom twice. She lost her once when her mom forgot who she was, and now, she is losing her again. This time, she won't be able to go back and visit a woman who doesn't have a clue who she is, but still means the world to her. The finality is almost the worst part, wondering how you are going to go on with your life, what it will be like not to see them anymore. She told me that just because she was older didn't make it easier, and I told her I knew. Just because her mom was sick didn't make it easier, and I knew.

We want our mommies to live forever, to always be our superheroes, to always drive us crazy, to always smile at us warmly and accept us no matter what crazy mistake we had made. No one in the world loves you like your mom does. No one knows you like your mom does. I felt like a piece of me had gone with her when she died, and I was helpless to retrieve it. I don't want any of you to feel as though I haven't been able to move on in my life, though it has only been a little over a year. I have, but there will always be things in life that bring it back to me.

It is a terrible thing to lose a mother, whether or not she can even remember who you are. You remember who she is, and you always remember how much you loved her and she, you. Please keep this woman in your thoughts. Right now, she is no longer a grown woman, but a little girl again, wishing she could make it all go away.

Poke, Twist, Pull ;)

Ohhhh, I just love titles! Yesterday, after I so dreadfully went to work, I came home. That seems reasonable, right. :) Anyway, on my way home, I called my boyfriend, Big T, even though it only takes me about 3 minutes to get home from work. It's an impulse thing. I have to do things as I think of them, otherwise, certain doom will overtake the earth and kill us all, all except me because I must be left to live with the guilt of what I have brought to the people of earth by not making that phone call RIGHT NOW!

Anyway, so in my phone call with Big T, I am telling him that I want to go see a movie. I am just in the mood to go to Winetown..(haha, that's kind of nerdy, but it's kind of a funny play on words if you have any clue what city I was really going to. dumb. haha) About ten minutes after I get home, and we blankly stare at each other ( I was getting the, I don't want to go with you vibe), my biggest big sister (haha, making fun of you! and you can't poke my eyes out) in the world texts me to see if I want to go to Winetown with her. "Fantastic!!" I think. We've got to be on some alternate wavelength together and completely alone. haha That or it was shear coincidence. Who believes in coincidence, though? Please...

So, she comes to pick me up in the "bus" that transports her 1000 kids, no joke, and the three of us, my big sister and I, and the Meeeeeeeeema you all know and love, all go to Winetown to buy things we can't afford. ;)

While that was certainly worthwhile, and for whatever crazy lunatic reason, I really do enjoy the seldom quiet times with my biggest big sister in the world, it was not the best part. That came after we got back to her house. Here comes the punch line: I was re-teaching her to crochet. HA! From here on out, I will describe in steps how this was just pre-destined to not work:

1. My biggest big sister is left handed...Every book in the world, every tool in the world, every thought in the world is made for us NORMAL right handers. She looked at the book with a look of utter disgust as she tried to reverse all of the information to make it legible. Then, I, being the littlest little sister I am, tried to help. That resulted in knot one, knot two, and a loud (insert your own curse word here). It was all in good fun, though.

2. My biggest big sister has a 10 month old siamese twin. No her 10 month old is not a siamese. She is attached to her mother's hip. Come on people, catch up! Between the feeding, the grunting, the crying, and the rolling over of toes in those baby pain facilitators (walkers) my biggest big sister still managed to make a.......scarf. (Her words were "neck belt," which, needless to say, I was rolling on the floor about."

3. My biggest big sister has five other little devils roaming around her house. (We tried to have the place blessed, and, to our shock and dismay, haha, those little devils came back with more of their friends. We try to live our lives around them, but it can be difficult. :)) Her big girl, Big A proceeded to question what it was we were doing. I, somewhere along the line, had pulled up YouTube to find a left handed crocheting tutorial. Not applying her usual wiz-kid ways, Big A asks, "Why does that say left handed crotch-et?" Again, I am pictured here rolling on the floor. Cue stomach cramping and tears. Crotch-et? Oh come on guys, that's funny!

4. My biggest big sister is a bull. No, I don't mean like a real bull. She refuses to start over. Her...scarf...was very tight in the first row. Though she wasn't even done with her first row, and it would have been very easy to start over, she blatantly refused! She continued to crochet just like that, and upon her second row, she said to me, "I see what you mean about not being able to get the hook back through." That was license for me to make fun of her the rest of the night.

When I left my biggest big sister's siamese devil circus, my SCARF looked like this:
Her scarf looked like this ~~'~~~'--'~~. Haha. I didn't get a picture of her scarf, but all I could tell her was, "You're killing me." After which she would say, "Whaaat?! Shut up." It was really an eventful day, and I learned a lot. The most important lesson I learned, though, was that I will not be waving any red capes around at my biggest big sister's house. ;)

Ahhh, The Morning After

Ha! You are so caught! You thought I was going to talk about something gross. Anyway, I am just going to make fun of myself a little bit. ;) This morning, I didn't want to get up and go to work. I don't particularly like working Saturdays anyway because it just feels wrong in the cosmos somewhere. haha In the banking world, though, our work day only consists of three hours on the weekend, so I guess I can manage. Anyway, I was exhausted, and had it not been for my overly full and painful bladder, I would have been laying in bed probably right about now.

What is the reason for this desire to stay in bed? What caused me to stay up past my bed time and wake up nearly every half an hour throughout the night? I will tell you. Ghost Hunters. Now, your first thought may be, "Yeah, that stuff is really creepy. It would scare me, too." Oh no, that's not my issue, though. My over analysis of every aspect of my world has finally reached to my love of Ghost Hunters! :( I stayed up until 1 am watching the Ghost Hunters Live investigation, and I will be the first to say that it was great, entertaining, with many highs and lows. However, at 1 am, when I went to sleep, my brain continued to roll over the events of the evening, going back in my mind to make sure I didn't miss something important. I mean, the results of the investigation so obviously depend on me. It is only fair that I sacrifice my precious hours of beauty sleep, and man can you tell this morning! haha

I just thought maybe some of you might find interesting that in my kid/adult life, I was not out partying last night, but instead enjoying a quiet night at home with the "ghosties."

I Want a Break!

So the past year of my life was far from fantastic, to say the least. However, by the time the lazy days of summer rolled around, I truly felt happy again. I was excited at the thought of spending ample time with my family, cookouts, bonfires, sleeping in, settling into good books, and enjoying myself. That is exactly what I did, too. Summer was fantastic.

Then school started again. Seeing as how I completely bombed last semester, ending my wonderful first year of college with a 2.3 GPA (though I had a 3.8 in high school), I was excited to go back and re-establish myself as the "smart kid." The first two weeks of school were....kiiind of.....exciting. However, I was least excited about my speech class. As time progressed, I started to get a little bogged down, again, questioning why it is that I am the only person in the world doing homework all hours of the night. I wasn't really able to see my family anymore...weeks would go by before I'd get to really talk to them. I live with my boyfriend, and we were basically just sleeping in the same bed. He went to work before I woke up and went to bed before I was done with homework. It's pretty much like that now, with a few exceptions.

Anyway, I have been questioning my academic decisions a lot lately because I have just been so unhappy. I value education and perspective pretty highly, but this is hard work. Just because it is hard work, though, I don't feel like I should be so unhappy. Therefore, I am considering taking a break, some time off to myself to learn about who I am and what I want in life.

I think you should all know that I have some serious control issues, and yet, I am ready to take that leap, chalk up some of my own experiences and have some of my own mistakes to learn from. I have spent my entire life learning from everyone else's mistakes and never taking risks. Now I'm not saying I want to be careless or reckless, but what better time to take chances than now, when I am only accountable for myself?

I am ready to live, to breathe in all that life has to offer. I'm ready to wrinkle up my nose and pinch it shut when I am breathing in those not so pleasant moments, and I'm ready to spread my arms and inhale deeply all of those moments where I will truly believe I have never seen a more beautiful world. I am ready to take a flying leap, and this time no one will be there to shove me before I'm ready.