There are blankets piling up in my living room.
The yarn is overtaking me, a constant damned reminder that I can't do anything with it.
The dishes are piled high to the sky, and for some reason they smell like peppers?!
There is a sick, puking man in my house who has been out of work for two days with the flu.
He has to take a week off for Thanksgiving because the plant is shutting down, and he used all his vacation days for "fun," taking off days whenever he just ehhhh....didn't feel like going in.
He doesn't have the sick time to cover all of these days off, so we are just pulling money out our asses now, right?!
He must know of some miracle drug to make him not care about anything, but for the sake of our relationship and the fact that he has been puking since 1am, I am not yelling at him!
My bedroom is a mess, again.
My clothes look like they exploded because when I can't find something, I just get pissed and dump it all out on the floor.
The sheet is ripped off the bed at night because SOMEONE can't learn how to stop pulling it off when they sleep.
Not to mention our mattress is practically an ugly brown color now, though when we bought it it was white!
I have another huge exam today, and guess what guys, IT'S NOT FINISHED!!!!!
Oh, you know, somewhere between taking care of a sick man, learning to knit and getting very frustrated with that, and being sick with all of this garbage going on in my head, the exam just didn't seem so important!
I can't breathe through my nose.
I got some freaking allergy medicine, but I didn't take it until last night, so it won't kick in until practically tomorrow.
Don't even tell me about my run on sentence!!!!
My brain can't handle any more.
I have been so happy for so long, visiting my family, hanging out with friends, cleaning up little messes.
Where did it all go wrong?
How did I get back in this funk?
When did my house become a complete disaster?
I just want to avoid it because I DID NOT CREATE THIS MESS!
My dream last night was strange, too. I was hanging out with this rich family, you know the ones that drawl every word they say. Well, they started to really piss me off, so I started to trip them and cut them off. Finally I convinced them to just stop acting like jerks, and we all piled into a little SUV to go change their lives and make them look and act like normal people. Well, I don't know what happened to the parents, because the dad decided he couldn't handle it, and he needed to go back to work, and myself and a girl and a guy ended up in a trashy, hick store selling crappy electric guitars. We wore wigs with no backs on them, and we were afraid to walk away from anyone because they would see that we were wearing wigs. We had to wear them, though, because this store required you to be a certain age (God knows what) to go in. In the end, we had no money, and I really wanted to buy a guitar, but I had to prove to the owner that I was18, so I flashed him. Turns out, all his guitars really were crap, but all of a sudden, I was trying to by a guitar with my big brother and Big T. They had seen the whole flashing incident, and their only worry was whether or not he was selling (giving me, actually, because my boobs had payed the price) a crappy guitar. Well, none of them would fit, they were all oddly shaped with awful strings, falling apart and made of plastic. I couldn't even play guitar either! How dumb is that because I CAN play guitar?
I think this dream is revealing my fear of being incompetent enough to keep my house clean, learn new songs, learn to knit socks, and do my homework. You'll notice there was nothing about work in that dream, because so far, my workplace is my escape from the real world. I go there, interact with people and really enjoy it. The wig with the no backs is revealing my fear that people are seeing right through me and I am not wearing my worries very well.
On top of allllllll of that, I found myself so angry yesterday. I am angry again, much like I was this time last year, that time is pulling me further away from my mother. I want my mom! I am nineteen years old, and I am losing my mind over adult stuff, and it just isn't fair! I am sick of having to worry about my house being a disaster, my dishes piling up, not being able to have people over because the house is too disgusting, not getting homework done because I am too distracted with everything else...I can't even tell my mom any of this. I can't even go running to her house for a few days, to stay with her and feel like a kid again. I am stuck in this stupid world of feeling like a kid and being stuck with adult responsibilities. I just want to be a kid for awhile!! These are all just very crucial times when I need to be able to cry to my mom and tell her how hard the world is and how much it sucks, and she will tell me "I told you so, you never should have moved out." and I would look at her and roll my eyes and say, "I wanted to move out, though. I'm not so unhappy that I would want to move back home permanently." She would do her classic smile, and if I didn't know what I know now, I would never realize that she had just taught me a lesson without teaching me my lesson. That's how she always did it with me. She knew that telling me, "I told you so." pushed my buttons to no end and would make me realize that I wanted whatever it was that I wanted and I would get back up on my horse, but she never actually told me I was wrong. She had a special knack for letting me realize it on my own. At my job they call that "helping the customer to save face," basically not embarrassing them in front of everyone, letting them realize their own mistake without making them feel like a fool.
Well, all, my rant is over. Congratulations for reading to the end! Why don't you go have a cookie and some milk and pretend you are a kid again... ;)