Thursday, November 20, 2008

I could very well lose my mind!

My house is a wreck.
There are blankets piling up in my living room.
The yarn is overtaking me, a constant damned reminder that I can't do anything with it.
The dishes are piled high to the sky, and for some reason they smell like peppers?!
There is a sick, puking man in my house who has been out of work for two days with the flu.
He has to take a week off for Thanksgiving because the plant is shutting down, and he used all his vacation days for "fun," taking off days whenever he just ehhhh....didn't feel like going in.
He doesn't have the sick time to cover all of these days off, so we are just pulling money out our asses now, right?!
He must know of some miracle drug to make him not care about anything, but for the sake of our relationship and the fact that he has been puking since 1am, I am not yelling at him!
My bedroom is a mess, again.
My clothes look like they exploded because when I can't find something, I just get pissed and dump it all out on the floor.
The sheet is ripped off the bed at night because SOMEONE can't learn how to stop pulling it off when they sleep.
Not to mention our mattress is practically an ugly brown color now, though when we bought it it was white!
I have another huge exam today, and guess what guys, IT'S NOT FINISHED!!!!!
Oh, you know, somewhere between taking care of a sick man, learning to knit and getting very frustrated with that, and being sick with all of this garbage going on in my head, the exam just didn't seem so important!
I can't breathe through my nose.
I got some freaking allergy medicine, but I didn't take it until last night, so it won't kick in until practically tomorrow.
Don't even tell me about my run on sentence!!!!
My brain can't handle any more.
I have been so happy for so long, visiting my family, hanging out with friends, cleaning up little messes.
Where did it all go wrong?
How did I get back in this funk?
When did my house become a complete disaster?
I just want to avoid it because I DID NOT CREATE THIS MESS!

My dream last night was strange, too. I was hanging out with this rich family, you know the ones that drawl every word they say. Well, they started to really piss me off, so I started to trip them and cut them off. Finally I convinced them to just stop acting like jerks, and we all piled into a little SUV to go change their lives and make them look and act like normal people. Well, I don't know what happened to the parents, because the dad decided he couldn't handle it, and he needed to go back to work, and myself and a girl and a guy ended up in a trashy, hick store selling crappy electric guitars. We wore wigs with no backs on them, and we were afraid to walk away from anyone because they would see that we were wearing wigs. We had to wear them, though, because this store required you to be a certain age (God knows what) to go in. In the end, we had no money, and I really wanted to buy a guitar, but I had to prove to the owner that I was18, so I flashed him. Turns out, all his guitars really were crap, but all of a sudden, I was trying to by a guitar with my big brother and Big T. They had seen the whole flashing incident, and their only worry was whether or not he was selling (giving me, actually, because my boobs had payed the price) a crappy guitar. Well, none of them would fit, they were all oddly shaped with awful strings, falling apart and made of plastic. I couldn't even play guitar either! How dumb is that because I CAN play guitar?

I think this dream is revealing my fear of being incompetent enough to keep my house clean, learn new songs, learn to knit socks, and do my homework. You'll notice there was nothing about work in that dream, because so far, my workplace is my escape from the real world. I go there, interact with people and really enjoy it. The wig with the no backs is revealing my fear that people are seeing right through me and I am not wearing my worries very well.

On top of allllllll of that, I found myself so angry yesterday. I am angry again, much like I was this time last year, that time is pulling me further away from my mother. I want my mom! I am nineteen years old, and I am losing my mind over adult stuff, and it just isn't fair! I am sick of having to worry about my house being a disaster, my dishes piling up, not being able to have people over because the house is too disgusting, not getting homework done because I am too distracted with everything else...I can't even tell my mom any of this. I can't even go running to her house for a few days, to stay with her and feel like a kid again. I am stuck in this stupid world of feeling like a kid and being stuck with adult responsibilities. I just want to be a kid for awhile!! These are all just very crucial times when I need to be able to cry to my mom and tell her how hard the world is and how much it sucks, and she will tell me "I told you so, you never should have moved out." and I would look at her and roll my eyes and say, "I wanted to move out, though. I'm not so unhappy that I would want to move back home permanently." She would do her classic smile, and if I didn't know what I know now, I would never realize that she had just taught me a lesson without teaching me my lesson. That's how she always did it with me. She knew that telling me, "I told you so." pushed my buttons to no end and would make me realize that I wanted whatever it was that I wanted and I would get back up on my horse, but she never actually told me I was wrong. She had a special knack for letting me realize it on my own. At my job they call that "helping the customer to save face," basically not embarrassing them in front of everyone, letting them realize their own mistake without making them feel like a fool.

Well, all, my rant is over. Congratulations for reading to the end! Why don't you go have a cookie and some milk and pretend you are a kid again... ;)


  1. I have not had time to finish this yet, but you really, really need to stay away from me! I do not, I repeat DO NOT want your cooties! I, however, miss seeing you!

    If he is puking today, you might very well be sick by this weekend.

    You are going to have to put down the yarn, pick up the school work and then DO THE DISHES! You need some perspective in the worst way! Try and get it together and work on one thing at a time--NOT YARN--until you are getting things under control. I am speaking as your BIG MEANIE SISTER now! Mom would just tell you to go to Wal-Mart though, if that means anything to you!

    Have a better day!

  2. ok, now i finished it

    i think maybe your house is a mess, because that chaos feels like home

    a strange subliminal thing

  3. When I start flipping out my house falls apart too. Nice insight, Momma B - it must just be reflecting my head. Is that what you meant?

    Cookies and milk - I had some a day or so ago. Today it was a peanut butter sandwich.

    I am sorry the socks are making you crazy. :(

  4. You know, I was going to get on here and say I am sorry if I made you sad. The only thing I am having trouble with is wondering if it was not the germ thing that made you sad?! I was not saying anything mean. I was kidding and being serious at the same time. When I said put down the yarn and do the dishes, I was speaking of the similarity of my own mess! I have finished yet another piece of yarn related bliss and have given my house almost no attention this morning. I normally balance things very well, but not today!

    Then, the try to get it together and one thing at a time and not yarn was a joke! Big Meanie Sister? All in joking, or so I thought. Mom would tell you to just get up and go to Wal-Mart? Yet another joke.

  5. Marcia, the truth is that I would never ever try to hurt my sister, but when I read back through this, I can see where, if in the right/wrong state of mind, it might sound crass. I am crass and we all know it, but not mean crass just jackass crass!

    I hope this clarifies! I was going to erase the comments, but that would not help anything either! I WAS NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN! I think the fact that we are used to seeing each other 2 or more times per week and my saying keep your cooties to yourself, might be the most stinging part. I am just looking out for the fact that noone can help me if I get sick. I would just have the sick kids and a lot of tears, I am afraid!

    Whew! Glad I did not just keep my damned mouth shut!!!

  6. You are right. Saying to stay away was the worst part. I hate living with someone when they are sick. If some weirdo on the street is sick, so be it, but when I am stuck in the same house, it is just unfair. I got some immunity booster Snapple today, too. I really want to be with you and M on Saturday. Thanks for trying to understand the workings of my mind. :)