Anyway, if any of you are following my big sister's blog "My Crazy Kids!" you would have read about the birthday party yesterday for two of her crazies. Her version is slightly different than mine, though, as I am less frantic. ;) I was severely late! Though it made her completely crazy, more so than before, I really appreciate her waiting for us. I was sooooo sad when she sent me a text that I had gotten the time wrong. I thought I had missed the whole thing. Big T can attest to the rant. :) I really enjoyed the party, though. We had about 20 people there, so it should have been a good night for the bowling alley compared to the ghosties they normally have bowling...My sister was there with her 6, and Keekee was there with her 2 (one that sort of 1/3 belongs to my sister...hahaha...I kill myself), obviously, S, the dad was there (somehow, it feels wrong to say "Big S" haha), and Z's buddy was there. Then Big T, Big M, and Big J came with me along with another little one. Now, my sister is not kidding when she says she doesn't normally even invite anyone else, but birthday parties and holidays always end up being a big blow out that send her over the edge because our mom just had waaaay too many kids. And look! She did it to hers, too. (Sorry, just had to slip that one in. haha) Anyway, it was very busy with us there, but we were entertained...if not by the exploding butt baby or the unicorn baby, than by the starving orphan and the rest of the circus. I even finished the birthday presents I was making for the kids. I made "Bake" a scarf with some boy colors, and I made "Ponch" a bright green and pink necklace and bracelet set that I really hope she likes. She has the same kind of fashion sense I did when I was her age, so I went with it. haha
After that birthday party, Big T and I went with my two brothers to a friend's house. We played that newer game Rock Band. It was pretty cool, but the drum set has a foot petal that they actually expect you to be coordinated enough to incorporate! You should all assume I gave up on that real quick. The night wasn't completely wasted, though. My big brother and I went to the back room and were messing around with my guitar.
Since I have started taking lessons and he loves to write and sing, we've been trying to come up with stuff. Last night, though, he was just telling me to play whatever was in my heart. Well, my heart was blank. It wasn't so much that, but my heart was happy, and I know that my big brother's heart isn't so much happy. I knew whatever I played would not coincide with what his heart feels. He's still dealing with the anger and bitterness from our mom dying...not just that but the pain as well. So, I did the best thing I could think of to force him to deal with it. I made myself remember that day. I made myself go through the motions of the day my mom died, and I made myself put that to music. It was really all over the place. I remembered being frantic so I strummed some dark sounding chords really fast, then I remembered her actual death, and the strumming was still dark but slower, much slower. Then I remembered us joking around and telling stories about mom, how we all were able to laugh, strangely, though our mom had just died. I played some lighter notes at a steady pace. That is wear my big brother jumped in. He started to sing, and I kept remembering, listening to his words, and planning my next step. When he would get louder, I would play my C or my G and strum really loud and fast, and when he would get softer, I would switch to my Am or E and strum slower and quieter. At some point, though, he said something that just grabbed my heart, and I stared to cry. There was another girl in the room. It was her house, but I think it was perfect that we shared this emotional moment with her. She told us yesterday that her mom had a brain biopsy done. She has tumors in her brain, her spine and some of her organs. They will know after this test if it is cancerous, though I feel like I already know that answer. I told her that my suggestion was not to sound morbid, but that she couldn't run from it like I did. She had to take every moment for granted and spend as much time with her mom as possible. This girl is my age, and already has a baby. To me, that is more devastating than it was for me because I don't have any children yet.
Anyway, for a split second, as I started to cry, I wondered, "Should I just stop?" Then, my musician's soul took over, and I couldn't stop. I just closed my eyes and cried, and my soul took over, directing my fingers to the chords, matching in perfect harmony with my older brother, both of us crying but never stopping. Then he got to another quiet part of the song, and I was playing softly. He didn't start up another line immediately, so I took it as my cue to end off the song. I strummed my last two quiet strums, and my hands dropped from my guitar. As I lifted them to my face, the girl and my brother ran to me and embraced me, all three of us crying and sharing that beautiful moment.
My mom had been there the whole time. Somewhere around the beginning, the lights had flickered, and I immediately thought, "She's here." I didn't tell anyone that because if she hadn't told them, they weren't meant to know. It was just the feeling I got. We had the tape recorder rolling, too. I'm sure it won't be as beautiful when it's not the actual experience, but at least we have it to look back on.
Oh yeah! The title of my post today comes from the fact that I am having an early Thanksgiving with Big T's family today! His sister is living around St. Louis, and this was the only time she could come up. We are having a special one for her. Then, on the actual day, I will go to my sister's, presumably, and then to Big T's again for another Thanksgiving that is geared more toward us that live here. It is exciting!! I can't believe it is that time of year again.
Sorry this is a four pager, haha, but I think a lot has happened, and when I don't post something ever day, it is bad news for all of you readers when I do get around to posting. :) Thanks guys!!
P.S. It is for that reason above that music is both a beautiful force and a terrifying factor in my life.