Thursday, November 20, 2008

This Christmas

We are kicking of the Christmas season around here in my community. Our lighted holiday parade is Saturday, and I am very excited! My plan is to park Big T's truck up town where I want to sit. Then we will go up there when we are ready, walk around, probably get some chili and baked goods, and end the night sitting in the back of the truck, all bundled up, under a blanket and sipping hot cocoa as we gaze upon the beautiful Christmas floats. The most important part is making sure it actually goes this way...but don't burst my fantasy land bubble.

Anyway, the point of this blog (as if any of you should be surprised I got off topic) is to express some emotions I am left with after watching the movie with Chris Brown, This Christmas. The movie overall was very touching, as most Christmas movies tend to be. There was chaos, too, as my sister will verify holidays inexplicably bring. The best part of the movie was the stress on the importance of family. No matter how much drama was created, and there was plenty of drama, the family all came together in the end.

Now, I may have been able to predict an ending of this sort, but these endings will always move me deep down in my heart. I know that having big families can be hassle, but toward the end of the movie, the mother looks out over her family with such pride and joy in her eyes. I was overwhelmed with the desire to have that. I want to be someone's mother. I want to be a few someone's mothers. My sister has told me so many times not to have so many kids...even my mom had told me to not have a lot of children, but I have a true value for large families. Just the other day, I told a friend, there is always something to do, and there is rarely time to feel alone. I can always call someone up and talk about my day or hang out. Now that my sister has carried on this tradition, there are even more people to have fun with.

However, in all the joy of families, I was stricken with some sadness, as I have been so often lately. It was painful to realize that my mom will never look at me with that pride again. If my big brother makes it big some day with his singing, she will not be here to look at him with pride and love. On my little brother's graduation day, his mom will not be there to give him a hug and throw him a party, buying a cake with his face on it. I just miss her terribly lately. I never know which comes first, the messy house or the longing to be with my mom again, but they always go hand in hand. All in all, I would be lost with out my family...If I had been an only child, I just don't know where I would be right now.


  1. So, do you suppose that you always set out to make me cry, or that it just ends up that way?

    I started at the big family and little time to feel alone. I am already afraid of what that will feel like. S and I were talking about that the other day. Of course, his solution was to have more kids! AMAZING, that man! I don't think there could ever be another one like him ANYWHERE!

    I miss mom too. I know how weird readers must think I am, but I think she was here again yesterday. I had Meeeeema in the car seat in the kitchen. I was just a room away in the laundry room. She could see me from where she was, but was mad just the same. She was throwing a pissy fit and the next thing you know she was "ooohing" and "aaaaahing" around the ceiling! Strange, huh? The only other kid here was sleeping and other than me and the cob webs, which can be rather entertaining at times, noone was in there with her, or so I thought!She looked around moving her gaze for a good few minutes and then I came out of the laundry room and she stopped.

  2. I don't suppose I try. You are just tapped into my emotional world. Not my fault! haha I think S could have baby after baby. He seems to really enjoy that phase of life, when they are little and think he is the greatest, like when Meema's eyes light up when he walks in the door. Even though I can't feel Mom all the time, I do still feel her around sometimes, peering at me around a corner like a weirdo.

  3. I intended to comment before I left, but didn't. I wanted to tell you that I adore my large and largely insane family. We have so much fun together! And while I don't feel like four kids is a large family (what my husband and I have) I comfort myself by thinking that at least they are very much attached to their cousins to the point of being near-siblings with them. Big families rule.

    By the way, your mom sounds like she was an amazing woman.