I am trying not to get too excited because it is not final whether or not we can go on the trip, yet, but it is definitely hard not to be excited at the prospect of seeing my roots! Wish us luck! :)
Friday, February 27, 2009
I am trying not to get too excited because it is not final whether or not we can go on the trip, yet, but it is definitely hard not to be excited at the prospect of seeing my roots! Wish us luck! :)
I was sitting on one couch and Big T was sitting on the other. Every so often, I would flinch and go crazy eyed in his direction. After a few hours of this behavior, I took a shower and attempted to go to bed. Big T is supposed to be working overtime now because his job laid off a massive amount of people and they still want the same production. Whatever! It works for us. Again, ANYWAY, he is supposed to be getting plenty of rest, but of course, the old RLS (restless leg syndrome) kicked in. No! I don't really believe this is a syndrome that I have. I don't know if I believe in the syndrome period, but my legs were just jumping and kicking. They wanted me to run. So, instead, I talked. I talked and talked and talked. I talked about RLS and government caffeinated water and finally, Big T tells me I have RMS (Restless Mouth Syndrome!). How dare he!
From there, he just complained about needing his sleep. I mean, come on. All I wanted was a simple companion to share alittle of my crazy juice, and he wouldn't have it. We are supposed to be soul mates. We are supposed to be getting married! So, when he refused to hear me anymore, and rolled over, I told him I wanted a divorce! He just laughed and laughed and then reminded me we weren't even married yet. Then I made my sad puppy dog face, and he said that trick wouldn't work anymore now that we are getting married. Well! What the hell else can I do to make him do what I want? Hmmm...I have some ideas. However, when I suggested those ideas, he just said, "Ok." Well fine! If he thinks he is going to win that game...We'll just see.
hahahahahaha And the crazy lady sagas continue!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
However, as far as our honeymoon, we have a possibility of going to Ireland. Big T already has a loan with the bank, and it was supposed to be paid off in August. The banker said he could add the amount of money needed for the trip onto the existing loan and keep our regular payment amount every month. We are still mulling it over, but I think we may be leaning toward yes. It is a once in a life time experience for us and would be a dream come true and a wonderful way to start our new life together. My heritage is in Ireland, and Big T just loves Ireland. Plus, our wedding rings are from there. I have already started my research for the trip to see how much we would be looking at.
I feel more encouraged after my crazy blog earlier, but I am still a little nervous. I want this honeymoon to happen so badly, but I don't want to get my hopes up, either. Thanks, everyone!
Monday, February 16, 2009
I have also picked out a dress that I would really like. I have known, like many girls, what I have wanted for a long time. It is just simple, but I love it!
The sash will be brown instead of red, but I love the way it flows straight down, and I love the simplicity of it. I also love that I can throw in a splash of my own color to tie it all into my Fall theme.
With the help of my older sister, I have already picked out my invitations at Michael's. They were on clearance! They are orange and yellow with paisleys, and I love them! I also got my thank yous, and they are brown. We picked up some flowers to play around with for my bridal bouquet, and we humorously dug through a huge pile of clearance ribbon to get the colors I wanted.
We are thinking of a September wedding this year. I never wanted a drawn out engagement. I know he is the one, and I want the wedding to be here. I can't wait to have my own wedding day to cherish, and I know it is going to be beautiful! I have so many wonderful women in my life that can help me, and I know my mom will be floating around me the whole time. I just can't wait or contain the excitement, joy, or honor I am feeling that someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me. Me!!
I can show you the gift I made by hand for Big T for Valentine's Day, too. I think this gave him the real push he needed to know I was the one for him. ;) You'll see the humor, too. :)
If any of you have ever seen Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas, you might recognize this little guy. It is a loom knit Jack Skellington doll! Nightmare Before Christmas is Big T's favorite movie. He has a collection of interesting things that are Nightmare Before Christmas including but not limited to: this doll, a quilt my sister made and put iron on scenes from the movie, notebooks, t-shirts, and a set of Russian dolls, the ones that stack up inside of each other. If you don't know who this is, google Jack Skellington and click on Images. You will see that my version is quite overstuffed, but Big T loved him just the same. :)
The flowers he is pictured with are my creation from this morning. I think this will be my bridal bouquet! I love it, and I am so excited to have another thing to cross of the "To Do..." list.
Yes, I am as overwhelmed as you all, but I hope you have enjoyed my pictures and you are feeling included. I am so excited, I can hardly stand it, but I will try not to get myself in too deep and actually enjoy this process. ;) Much love to you all! xoxoxoxoxo
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I know in some of my blogs recently, I have been sharing with you all some of the desires of my heart, some of my desires to get married and have children of my own. Recently, though, I have been reminded of infant fatalities and people losing their babies. I know I have never experienced motherhood or pregnancy for that matter, but my heart strings are really pulled at the thought of losing a baby. I want a baby so badly, and I at least have the understanding of that desire to have a baby, that I can only imagine how crushed I would be if something happened to my precious baby, the baby that I wanted so much. Along with that, I am also reminded of how many women can not have babies. That too is heart wrenching. I cannot imagine, and I hope I never will have to experience having my desire to have a baby of my own crushed. I have an immense desire to be some one's mother, to hold their hand as they learn to walk, to coddle them when they cry out in pain, to kiss their scrapes when they fall, and even to become utterly frustrated with them when they hate me as teenagers, just so long as I get to live long enough to see them grow and mature into adults, knowing what a large part I played in creating them.
I have not only been reminded of losing infants. I have been reminded of losing mothers, fathers, friends and siblings. Sometimes in my life, when I have not consciously thought of my mom and the loss I experienced, God discreetly begins to remind me that it is OK to think about how much I miss her. I love that I can be a shoulder to cry on for so many others that lose their loved ones, and I love that I can let other people know they are not alone. That does not mean that I should forget my own pains.
In my own ideal dream world, everyone would get to live a long, healthy, prosperous life. They would get to know God and know their place in Heaven is secured. Then, when their life has been lived to the max, they could pass peacefully into another state of being with their Father. Their family could all be around them, and that person would remain conscious and alive until every family member that needed to be there had the opportunity to be there and say goodbye. That person could pass on their advice and love to those they cared for, and there would be no pain in dying. We could then celebrate this person's wonderful, healthy life and continue in our own lives knowing we would see them again soon.
I do apologize if I have stirred up sadness in any of your hearts, but I want to remind all of you to allow yourselves to feel the pain when it needs to be felt. Please do not ignore it and expect it to go dormant. My heart goes out to you all, and please remember that you are not alone.
Monday, February 9, 2009
I took this picture on my cell phone, so I know it does not do justice to how bright and beautiful the moon looks with the clouds skirting over it. God was definitely showing me the intricate beauty of his creation on my way home tonight.
I was walking around very pregnant, huge belly. Then, all of a sudden, I was confused. I could not remember how far along I was, and as I was trying to calculate in my head how long it had been, my water broke. That was so vivid. It felt like I had just peed my pants. (I'm lucky I didn't really pee my pants, as I have dreamt before of peeing and peed in the middle of the night.) I wasn't in any pain, though. I was just terrified of what was to come. (I'm assuming I wasn't in any pain because in real life, I have never had children, so I wouldn't know how the pain felt to dream about it.) Anyway, I end up having the baby right where I was, in a huge college that was all new, clean, lots of windows, very modern looking. After having the baby, it was as if I suffered amnesia. I didn't remember having the baby or any events surround its birth.
Later that night, I went to bed in what seemed like a cell. Every room was a relatively small brick room, and the doors locked from the inside. No one could come in from the outside unless you had let them in. I don't remember what my room had looked like, and I didn't have my baby with me. I just went to sleep. I knew Big T was supposed to have the baby, though, and before I dozed off to sleep, I remember being scared he would roll over on the baby or let the baby roll off the bed.
The next morning, I woke up, and went straight to a room I knew my baby would be in. He was being taken care of by my mother in law *the dream world mother in law*, and I remember feeling shocked that she had taken care of him all night and allowed me to sleep instead of waking me up. She buzzed me into her room, and I took my baby and held him for the first time. He was so long and chubby, as if he were months old already. His hair was blond and his eyes were blue, and I remember feeling kind of sad that he didn't have red hair like me. He was so beautiful, though, so healthy and smiley. His skin was so soft, and his cheeks were so round. He looked at me as if he knew I was his mommy, and I could not get enough of having him in my arms.
I didn't see Big T in that dream after that. My dream world family and I were going to go out and walk around, enjoy the fresh air. I hadn't named my baby yet because I had loved the name Mason, but it didn't seem right for this baby. We just kept looking around aimlessly for things that would be the perfect name for this wonderful baby. However, my dream world family was all Hispanic. My husband was a Mexican boy I had gone to school with. His parents *in my dream* were so excited and enthusiastic about helping with the name, but I didn't like anything they chose. They never got offended, though. They just kept trying. The whole time, I was just thinking that there had to be some way I could include the baby's *fake* Hispanic heritage in his name. I was trying to ask them if there were some Spanish word I could name my baby. (I think this might have come from my sister's baby name. It is the Spanish word for table, but it's awesome as a name.)
All the while, none of my real life family is there, but a family friend, Desiree is there walking with us. Her sister, Dusti showed up on her bike, too. We had to chase her down, though, because she couldn't hear us when we were trying to yell to her. She had missed us and was riding right by us. I don't remember if we ever caught up to her. (That is probably reflecting the fact that the last time we really talked, we got in an argument, and I haven't talked to her in about two or three weeks. I've been wondering lately if that is how a friendship will end, over something petty.) Anyway, the whole group is walking, and we end up in this run down shack looking for something that is going to lead us to the baby's name. It's really a disgusting place, rats and garbage. All of a sudden, though, I turn around and see a bag lodged between the crack in the wall that says Italy on it. It is as if everything else around me disappears in that moment, and I knew Italy was my baby's name. It was perfect for him because it displayed how beautiful I thought he was and how much my heart longed for him. I had decided that even though it was a completely out of the ordinary name, his nickname could be Itty.
After that, the whole family agreed, as if they had a choice in it anyway. We left the nasty little shack and began walking back home. I remember looking down at my baby, and I was going to tickle him but my hair had brushed across his face. He had just laughed and giggled. I kept doing it because his little giggle was the best sound in the world. At that moment, though, I suddenly realized I had no pictures of my entire pregnancy, no camera footage of the labor and delivery, and I had not even taken pictures of my precious baby to send to my real family. He was already days old, and no one would get to see what he looked like as a new born.
That is all I remember from my dream, but the love I felt for that baby, for my baby, was so strong. It was like a magnetic pull. I needed to be wherever he was.
Oh yeah! I do remember one other insignificant fact. When we got back to our prison like home, I started wondering about when the baby had eaten because I had planned on breastfeeding my baby. I knew I hadn't done that, so I was worried if he had already had a bottle, he wouldn't take to breastfeeding. That was the last thing I thought before the dream ended.
I have some ideas about the analysis of this dream, but I would really enjoy hearing all of your comments about it. Maybe you can help me reveal something I hadn't seen. If not, I hope you at least enjoyed the Soap Opera that is my dream.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Anyway, today, I am thinking of venturing back into the art of crochet for a bit, seeing as how the next charity project I am involved in is not happening this month but next month. I have a little time to play with my other toys. ;) I've started a new scarf, pink and brown, and I love how the lines look. It has been too long since I have seen some straight lines. :) Have a great weekend, everyone!
Friday, February 6, 2009
That is pretty much all the happenings of my life right now. I have been working away at the little bit of homework I have, and I have my first exam over four chapters this weekend. It's timed, but I have taken notes and read all the chapters, which is a huge step in the right direction for me. Two classes is working out so much better than four. It is so much less stressful and easier to convince myself to do the work. This weekend should be a pretty quiet one for me. I have no plans besides working for three hours tomorrow and Sunday school, which I fully intend to be on time for this weekend. I'm hoping to get all caught up on homework and make lots more hats. I have more time for hats, now, but I also wanted to start a baby blue afghan for the girl that is having a baby. I had already started a girl one, but that is on hold until someone has a girl. :) I hope you all are having lovely weeks with little disappointment and much familial joy. When the times get tough, try to remember all the wonderful things you do have instead of those you are without. That's hard for me, but I'm giving it a shot. :)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
We got lots of snow last night, more than the flurries they were predicting. Last night, Big T went to hang out with a friend, but my car was dead after work because I left my lights on. It's times like that that I wish I had a new car instead of my 94' Olds. He was already out of town and couldn't jump it, and I didn't have any plans other than doing homework and budgeting. I just hitched a ride from a lady I worked with. Low and behold, when Big T went to start it, it started right up. I thought it loved me. I thought we shared a special bond. Big T is the one who hates it. Whatever...
I started to work on homework last night, even reading my chapter out loud, enthusiastically. After about four pages, even my enthusiastic voice couldn't make genetics interesting. We are learning about how babies are made in my Child Psych class, and I feel like I have heard about genes, genomes, zygotes, and chromosomes more times than any person should ever hear about them in their life. It just bores me to tears. I am much more an environmentalist than a biologist in terms of the nature-nurture controversy. That is not to say that I think nurture is solely in control of our behaviors, but it is my attempt at saying the nature half of the nature-nurture controversy bores the life out of me. I am interested in people's lives, not the blood coursing through them. This is why I am struggling with my Psychology major. I simply want to interact with people and learn about them without having any responsibility to understand their genetic predispositions. I don't like the science part.
Anyway, if you didn't catch on up there, I eventually got insanely distracted from doing my homework and ended up surfing the internet and listening to music. I was searching some of my favorite Christian female artists as well as some of my favorite non-Christian female artists, artists such as Barlowgirl, Superchick, Fly Leaf, and Paramore. I would turn the music on my computer up as loud as it would go and belt out with it. I'm sure my neighbors got an earful, but no one complained. A few of my neighbors are too old to hear me anyway.
As the night went on, the guilt grew, so I would take my book and notebook back in my lap and read a few more paragraphs until I felt like I couldn't stand it anymore. By the end of the night, I was wearing a full guilt suit and feeling all the affects of depression anxiety. When I laid down to go to bed, I started to think about my mom and all of a sudden, I had a rush of terrible memories from the day she died. I realized, I don't know if my brother rode in the ambulance with her or if he went with my sister. Also, I don't know who called my older brother, M. There were lapses in my memory because of the things I didn't know, and I felt very anxious about that. I wanted to know every detail because somehow I think that will help me to not hurt so bad every time I have these flashbacks. I wish I knew what was going through everyone's head as we all sat in the room some odd feet away from where our mother, daughter, and friend was dying. I wish I had gotten one last insightful conversation with her. Even though I did say goodbye, I don't feel that it was finalized because she never said it back. I feel like I am still hanging on to loose ends and I will never get the closure I need.
This morning, I laid in bed until 45 minutes before I had to be at work. I was emotionally exhausted, and my dreams last night did not help me at all. I really don't want to go into that, though. I got up and wet my hair down because I wasn't in the mood to take a shower. My poor hair has no curl, but it's not straight either. It is just body and fluff with some hairspray and a bobby pin to keep it out of my face. I have a stain on my shirt, which brings me down to three work shirts I can actually wear. I couldn't find my name tag in my purse where it was supposed to be, so I made a name tag for myself in case I would happen to get a mystery shopper. I wouldn't want to get marked off for something petty like not wearing my stupid name tag.
When I got to work, my boss said she needed to talk to us and that no one had done anything wrong. Her tone didn't exactly seem excited, though, so we knew something was wrong, even if we weren't in trouble. Well, when she did talk to us, she told us that two of the management positions in another banking center of ours had been eliminated, which means the two people that filled those positions were let go with no notice. They had both been there for quite awhile, but one woman had spent 43 years in this bank. Basically her whole working life was spent here, and they just let her go. Then they try to pull the wool over our eyes by saying that right now they have to make some tough decisions and that every decision is made with the benefit of the customer in mind. Well, not only do I work there, but I am a customer there, too. I don't see how sacrificing a woman's entire working career is going to help me as a customer. It's like they don't appreciate her at all, and I can't imagine how she feels if I feel this bad for her. My boss says she is not worried about our banking center because we are all part time and are not necessarily costing the bank enough money to employ that they would feel the need to eliminate any of our positions. If they can get rid of someone that put in so much more time than me without a care, though, I don't have high hopes for my future in this business. I just get so sick of them trying to cover their corrupt tails by saying it is all for the good of the customer when you know full well they are still pocketing all of their bonuses for the work they pretend to do. It's ridiculous.
So that is my day to thus point. I still don't have my tax money, which is very frustrating because my bills are already late. Big T got his refund in his bank account in nine days. It has been ten days so far for me, and tomorrow will be eleven. It better be here tomorrow, or there will be some IRS agents that will have a restraining order against me. Just get it done! ;) I hope the rest of you are having less sadness and anxiety than I am. Enjoy the up days.