Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Lately, I have been hearing lots of stories of loss, and it is really weighing on my heart. I realize that people die every day, but some of those people got the chance to live long, healthy lives. Sometimes, those people got to say goodbye to their loved ones. Sometimes, those people had their affairs in order, and sometimes the loss of those people was not unexpected or sudden. In all the cases in which those things are not true, there is so much more unfair pain. It is just truly painful to lose someone you love so quickly.

I know in some of my blogs recently, I have been sharing with you all some of the desires of my heart, some of my desires to get married and have children of my own. Recently, though, I have been reminded of infant fatalities and people losing their babies. I know I have never experienced motherhood or pregnancy for that matter, but my heart strings are really pulled at the thought of losing a baby. I want a baby so badly, and I at least have the understanding of that desire to have a baby, that I can only imagine how crushed I would be if something happened to my precious baby, the baby that I wanted so much. Along with that, I am also reminded of how many women can not have babies. That too is heart wrenching. I cannot imagine, and I hope I never will have to experience having my desire to have a baby of my own crushed. I have an immense desire to be some one's mother, to hold their hand as they learn to walk, to coddle them when they cry out in pain, to kiss their scrapes when they fall, and even to become utterly frustrated with them when they hate me as teenagers, just so long as I get to live long enough to see them grow and mature into adults, knowing what a large part I played in creating them.

I have not only been reminded of losing infants. I have been reminded of losing mothers, fathers, friends and siblings. Sometimes in my life, when I have not consciously thought of my mom and the loss I experienced, God discreetly begins to remind me that it is OK to think about how much I miss her. I love that I can be a shoulder to cry on for so many others that lose their loved ones, and I love that I can let other people know they are not alone. That does not mean that I should forget my own pains.

In my own ideal dream world, everyone would get to live a long, healthy, prosperous life. They would get to know God and know their place in Heaven is secured. Then, when their life has been lived to the max, they could pass peacefully into another state of being with their Father. Their family could all be around them, and that person would remain conscious and alive until every family member that needed to be there had the opportunity to be there and say goodbye. That person could pass on their advice and love to those they cared for, and there would be no pain in dying. We could then celebrate this person's wonderful, healthy life and continue in our own lives knowing we would see them again soon.

I do apologize if I have stirred up sadness in any of your hearts, but I want to remind all of you to allow yourselves to feel the pain when it needs to be felt. Please do not ignore it and expect it to go dormant. My heart goes out to you all, and please remember that you are not alone.


  1. I am one of those people that can not have children, and while it was very very hard to deal with, i am now able to help children who have lost their faith in moms and dads, and people in general. to be there for them, and with as much love as i have, to love them as my own.

    if you want to have a baby do it, share in the joy you are wanting. you cannot not have the joy you would experience because of the pain you might experience. If for some reason you found out you could not have children, you would still love and help others with your precious wonderful heart.

    love life and reach for all it's pleasures and don't worry about what you pain you might feel. if something were ever to happen, your strength is great and God will get you through it. Everything happens for a reason and while we can't explain it - a lesson, love, strength for later in life, something comes out of the bad.

    remember, everyone is here for you also. have a blessed day....

  2. After having my first child I was constantly worried about the sids and then about me dieing and not being able to watch him grow up or for to know me as his mom. It was mental torture until I think I really lost it and went to the docotr to make sure I was going to be ok. I was very protective of him and wouldnt let anyone besides me or Big D take him out of town. I know sad right?! Then I found out I was pregnant when he was 2 and lost the baby at the beginning of my second trimester which totaly sucked but it wouldnt have happened if God didnt think everything would be alright. Of course there was pain beyond pain but the family and friends around and of course God above is there. Like 3 boys said everything happens for a reason. For about 2 years after losing the baby we tried and tried to get pregnant and no success. Finally god blessed us and now we have 2. Your heart is big, dont let the thought and worry of mother hood scare you....its the most wonderful thing you could be blessed with. Not having the control over what happens is scary but the love succombs that!!! No matter if you can or cant you will be the best there is!

  3. Hey Kiddo, You are such a great person and would be a wonderful mother to someone when it is time. Have you and Big T thought about foster parenting also. I know you two are great and could help other kids. I am not saying not to have your own but both?
    I can relate to your feeling hearing of loss of families and such. I feel the same way when I hear of someone dying or losing a love on. A lady I lived close to but didn't know passed this week. It was related to the storm and no power. She had some health issues but was young it get to me.
    Hang there.

  4. Haha, your maternal instinct is applaudable. I'm sure you'll make a precocious mother because even at a tender age of 20, you already have this strong desire to nurture your own kids (:

    And yeah, well said, feel the pain when you need to because concealing it or worse, suppressing it, will only create a 'fissure', a line of weakness within you waiting to crack :/

    I'm still learning to learn more about life and all its arcane mechanism but regardless, c'est la vie :D