Out of Touch

Well, before I get into my life, I want to show you the hat I made. It is my first crocheted hat!! I absolutely love it, and I have started on another one already. It is not quite as fast as looming, but I love having options.

So, for the past little while after my monstrous announcement, (yes, I said monstrous because that is how I feel about it right about now, haha) I have pretty much shut myself out of the world. Not completely. I am still answering my phone and venturing to my sister's house, which has become my bat cave, but I just have soooo much to do and think about. I set the hopeful date for our wedding. It is September 5th this year! I have already secured the church for that day, but I have not secured the reception location. I have also not even looked at my looming guest list. I don't know why. I am such a list maker, but for some reason, I absolutely do not want to look at this list. I think it has something to do with my not wanting to be the center of attention.

I am feeling super depressed about something else, too. In every picture I have been in in the past few months, I look so huge and droopy. I have a big gut, big hips, double chin and constant frown. Why do I look so sad every time I am just standing somewhere. Why couldn't I have been given one of those faces that made my mouth always look upturned instead of downturned?! I am just hating the way I look right now. I do have a gym membership, but I am only making it there about three times a week. It just doesn't feel like enough, like I'm working my muscles enough at all. My skin is so oily, too. I cannnnnoooooot get rid of the stupid black heads!!! Any suggestions?! I have had this problem since puberty set in at the ripe age of 10!

School is alright, but it sucks. That makes sense, right? I really despise school, and I can't figure out why. I need counseling. I can't believe Big T even considered proposing to me!

Onto yet another wedding related issue. The honeymoon! My wonderful, blessed, (God, is there any way to thank her properly for helping me not go even more nuts?!) friend/wedding planner politely mentioned that if we had any intention of leaving the country, we needed to get our passports now. At first, I scoffed at her. Me? Leaving the country? Please...There is no way that that could... I mean it would be so nice... Oh, how beautiful Ireland would be... And our rings are from there... So there you have it. My poor, sappy heart was pondering the idea of going to Ireland for two weeks for my honeymoon. I mean, we would have the time, but the money... We don't have that part. Big T has a great relationship with his bank, though, and he wanted to see about getting a personal loan to go. I thought it was a great idea until my sister (absolutely not trying to burst our bubble, but very wisely) was hesitant about the idea. I knew she would be, so I was really trying not to tell her what we wanted to do until like the day we left. I just couldn't keep it from her, though.

She went on to tell me that we should really be planning for the future and focusing on getting a down payment for a house or something. Both Big T and I were sooo sad. We both know she is right, but we thought we could live in our college kid dream world for awhile. :) Today, Big T is going to the bank to find out how much we could pre-qualify for a home loan. In a way, I am very excited at the prospect of getting my very own house, to decorate and paint however I want. On the other hand, I am terrified, yet again. I still don't feel adult enough to have my own house. Plus, we would need money for appliances, paint, fixing supplies, and biggest worry of all, TAXES! How do people do it? How do people move out of apartments?

Also, I had said earlier, I wanted to have children. I won't be surprised if we have a baby soon after we're married, a year or two after. However, there are huge expenses there, too. How do people have children? How do they even come to the decision to have kids? Diapers, food after breastfeeding is over, a rocking chair that I desperately want, bras, shirts that allow me to not have to expose my whole rotten belly to the world just to feed my baby, clothes, and everything else I have forgotten. I need a new car if I am going to have a baby at some point.

So proposal, crazy planning, marriage....fun stuff.... more crazy planning, possibly buying a house, fixing things that need fixed, getting appliances, stupid packing, stupid moving, getting settled, possible pregnancy, crazy planning, craziness, why did I think I should be pregnant, in a house I am trying to own while being married, who said I should grow up? I hate that person! possible...HA....birth....and then I am doomed to craziness for the rest of my life, though it will be such a short life because I will snap at some point. Again, how do people do this stuff, and why do we decide to do this to ourselves? Don't we have any wish of self-preservation? Oh! And did I mention, through all of this craziness, I pulled out my hair only on half of my head, and it won't grow back, and I gained 300 lbs!!

Goodbye and good day!

P.S. Just in case you didn't catch on, none of that last part really happened yet. It will though. You just watch. I am very happy about getting married, though, just very nervous. I wish my mom was here to tell me how crazy I am.