Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Out of Touch

Well, before I get into my life, I want to show you the hat I made. It is my first crocheted hat!! I absolutely love it, and I have started on another one already. It is not quite as fast as looming, but I love having options.
So, for the past little while after my monstrous announcement, (yes, I said monstrous because that is how I feel about it right about now, haha) I have pretty much shut myself out of the world. Not completely. I am still answering my phone and venturing to my sister's house, which has become my bat cave, but I just have soooo much to do and think about. I set the hopeful date for our wedding. It is September 5th this year! I have already secured the church for that day, but I have not secured the reception location. I have also not even looked at my looming guest list. I don't know why. I am such a list maker, but for some reason, I absolutely do not want to look at this list. I think it has something to do with my not wanting to be the center of attention.
I am feeling super depressed about something else, too. In every picture I have been in in the past few months, I look so huge and droopy. I have a big gut, big hips, double chin and constant frown. Why do I look so sad every time I am just standing somewhere. Why couldn't I have been given one of those faces that made my mouth always look upturned instead of downturned?! I am just hating the way I look right now. I do have a gym membership, but I am only making it there about three times a week. It just doesn't feel like enough, like I'm working my muscles enough at all. My skin is so oily, too. I cannnnnoooooot get rid of the stupid black heads!!! Any suggestions?! I have had this problem since puberty set in at the ripe age of 10!
School is alright, but it sucks. That makes sense, right? I really despise school, and I can't figure out why. I need counseling. I can't believe Big T even considered proposing to me!
Onto yet another wedding related issue. The honeymoon! My wonderful, blessed, (God, is there any way to thank her properly for helping me not go even more nuts?!) friend/wedding planner politely mentioned that if we had any intention of leaving the country, we needed to get our passports now. At first, I scoffed at her. Me? Leaving the country? Please...There is no way that that could... I mean it would be so nice... Oh, how beautiful Ireland would be... And our rings are from there... So there you have it. My poor, sappy heart was pondering the idea of going to Ireland for two weeks for my honeymoon. I mean, we would have the time, but the money... We don't have that part. Big T has a great relationship with his bank, though, and he wanted to see about getting a personal loan to go. I thought it was a great idea until my sister (absolutely not trying to burst our bubble, but very wisely) was hesitant about the idea. I knew she would be, so I was really trying not to tell her what we wanted to do until like the day we left. I just couldn't keep it from her, though.
She went on to tell me that we should really be planning for the future and focusing on getting a down payment for a house or something. Both Big T and I were sooo sad. We both know she is right, but we thought we could live in our college kid dream world for awhile. :) Today, Big T is going to the bank to find out how much we could pre-qualify for a home loan. In a way, I am very excited at the prospect of getting my very own house, to decorate and paint however I want. On the other hand, I am terrified, yet again. I still don't feel adult enough to have my own house. Plus, we would need money for appliances, paint, fixing supplies, and biggest worry of all, TAXES! How do people do it? How do people move out of apartments?
Also, I had said earlier, I wanted to have children. I won't be surprised if we have a baby soon after we're married, a year or two after. However, there are huge expenses there, too. How do people have children? How do they even come to the decision to have kids? Diapers, food after breastfeeding is over, a rocking chair that I desperately want, bras, shirts that allow me to not have to expose my whole rotten belly to the world just to feed my baby, clothes, and everything else I have forgotten. I need a new car if I am going to have a baby at some point.
So proposal, crazy planning, marriage....fun stuff.... more crazy planning, possibly buying a house, fixing things that need fixed, getting appliances, stupid packing, stupid moving, getting settled, possible pregnancy, crazy planning, craziness, why did I think I should be pregnant, in a house I am trying to own while being married, who said I should grow up? I hate that person! possible...HA....birth....and then I am doomed to craziness for the rest of my life, though it will be such a short life because I will snap at some point. Again, how do people do this stuff, and why do we decide to do this to ourselves? Don't we have any wish of self-preservation? Oh! And did I mention, through all of this craziness, I pulled out my hair only on half of my head, and it won't grow back, and I gained 300 lbs!!
Goodbye and good day!
P.S. Just in case you didn't catch on, none of that last part really happened yet. It will though. You just watch. I am very happy about getting married, though, just very nervous. I wish my mom was here to tell me how crazy I am.


  1. She asked me to tell you for her! She says, "yep, you're crazy!" HA!

  2. So, how about if you stop what you are doing and start on that guest list. It sounds like you are thinking waaaaaay too much about things! You just have to step back from all you know to be true and start taking one giant adult step at a time.

    None of us knew what was to come when we bought a house, had a child, got married, (yes in that order!) or any of the other things that we have experienced thus far in our lives. You are no different. You just have to ask as many people as you feel are necessary, so you will get a general feel for what is to come and then let yourself experience whatever it may be in it's entirety.

    I think wise people say something like, "such is life!"

  3. I am not your mom but I can say how crazy this blog just was!! Wow there is alot to you....but all legit! I still dont feel grown up enough to have a house or be a mom and I hope I never feel that "old". Its just an added bonus to life. Dont get me wrong kids and owning a home are expensive but its yours and you do what you can and what you cant will wait....cause see its yours! Believe after having kids the weight thing for me was/is the hardest thing to deal with. But hey you could be like your sister and have a million kids and look great! You look great now and will gorgeous on your wedding day. I am going to join that same gym and would love to work out with you...boy that sounded dirty didnt it?!! Seriously I need to work my butt and gut off!! So dont fret....it will all work out!!!

  4. Thank you ladies! I'm not feeling very geourgeous right now, but I will get over that. I would love to work out with you too!! I laughed a lot about that comment! I just want to be aperson that lets things happen as they may...so wish I could be...

  5. well, as you know momma b and i are very close, however, i say take a trip, do it before kids, that is part of your learning and memories as a family you and big t. i see her point, don't get me wrong, but if you have the desire to do it, i say do it. maybe only 1 week instead of 2, or someplace closer/cheaper, but do something that will stay with the two of you forever, your HONEYMOON!! the most romantic time of your life!!!! my other advice to you is DON"T STRESS about the wedding!! carry a notebook with you and when you have an idea, jot it down, or people you may want to invite, jot them down. it is to be the best day not, not the most stressed day!! i am also a habitual list writer as well, so i know where you are coming from!!! if you need something just let me know!!!

  6. For the record, I never said I am that person either! I just said let life come to you. If you are always wondering what comes next, then you may not enjoy the now part of it!

    Also, are you saying you want a mouth like the Joker? I mean, really? UGH! Plastic surgery at it's worst! I am going to encourage against it though, for the record!

  7. mouth like a joker...that is scary...lol...i would encourage you not to do that also...lol

  8. I am behind on the blog. WOW..Calm down take a break!!!! You have a lot going on and trying to do it all yesterday. There is no such thing as being able to afford kids. You will manage when they get her. Just take everything one day at atime and to phrase friends of Bill Let Go and Let God. It will all work out. And stop stressing, that doesn't do anything but give ya ulcers and headaches! I am sorry I sound like I am bitching but I not. I know it isn't funny but I have to laugh to myself. I see so much of your Mom in this one! Hang in there you are very lucky to have found a good man to love you and be there. Just remember that no matter what does or doesn't happen. Sit down and have glass a wine or a cup of tea and relax!!!!for a minute anyway. LOVE YA