Coffee and Biscotti

My coffee and biscotti are taking me to a very happy place right now. I put some CoffeeMate Pumpkin Spice creamer in my coffee this morning, actually about 20 minutes ago. Someone had placed some biscotti in our snacks behind the teller line, so I decided it was high time I tried some. I think it was supposed to be a carrot cake flavor. It was sooo yummy with my Pumpkin Spice coffee. However, today is really just turning out to be a blue day.



We got lots of snow last night, more than the flurries they were predicting. Last night, Big T went to hang out with a friend, but my car was dead after work because I left my lights on. It's times like that that I wish I had a new car instead of my 94' Olds. He was already out of town and couldn't jump it, and I didn't have any plans other than doing homework and budgeting. I just hitched a ride from a lady I worked with. Low and behold, when Big T went to start it, it started right up. I thought it loved me. I thought we shared a special bond. Big T is the one who hates it. Whatever...



I started to work on homework last night, even reading my chapter out loud, enthusiastically. After about four pages, even my enthusiastic voice couldn't make genetics interesting. We are learning about how babies are made in my Child Psych class, and I feel like I have heard about genes, genomes, zygotes, and chromosomes more times than any person should ever hear about them in their life. It just bores me to tears. I am much more an environmentalist than a biologist in terms of the nature-nurture controversy. That is not to say that I think nurture is solely in control of our behaviors, but it is my attempt at saying the nature half of the nature-nurture controversy bores the life out of me. I am interested in people's lives, not the blood coursing through them. This is why I am struggling with my Psychology major. I simply want to interact with people and learn about them without having any responsibility to understand their genetic predispositions. I don't like the science part.



Anyway, if you didn't catch on up there, I eventually got insanely distracted from doing my homework and ended up surfing the internet and listening to music. I was searching some of my favorite Christian female artists as well as some of my favorite non-Christian female artists, artists such as Barlowgirl, Superchick, Fly Leaf, and Paramore. I would turn the music on my computer up as loud as it would go and belt out with it. I'm sure my neighbors got an earful, but no one complained. A few of my neighbors are too old to hear me anyway.



As the night went on, the guilt grew, so I would take my book and notebook back in my lap and read a few more paragraphs until I felt like I couldn't stand it anymore. By the end of the night, I was wearing a full guilt suit and feeling all the affects of depression anxiety. When I laid down to go to bed, I started to think about my mom and all of a sudden, I had a rush of terrible memories from the day she died. I realized, I don't know if my brother rode in the ambulance with her or if he went with my sister. Also, I don't know who called my older brother, M. There were lapses in my memory because of the things I didn't know, and I felt very anxious about that. I wanted to know every detail because somehow I think that will help me to not hurt so bad every time I have these flashbacks. I wish I knew what was going through everyone's head as we all sat in the room some odd feet away from where our mother, daughter, and friend was dying. I wish I had gotten one last insightful conversation with her. Even though I did say goodbye, I don't feel that it was finalized because she never said it back. I feel like I am still hanging on to loose ends and I will never get the closure I need.



This morning, I laid in bed until 45 minutes before I had to be at work. I was emotionally exhausted, and my dreams last night did not help me at all. I really don't want to go into that, though. I got up and wet my hair down because I wasn't in the mood to take a shower. My poor hair has no curl, but it's not straight either. It is just body and fluff with some hairspray and a bobby pin to keep it out of my face. I have a stain on my shirt, which brings me down to three work shirts I can actually wear. I couldn't find my name tag in my purse where it was supposed to be, so I made a name tag for myself in case I would happen to get a mystery shopper. I wouldn't want to get marked off for something petty like not wearing my stupid name tag.



When I got to work, my boss said she needed to talk to us and that no one had done anything wrong. Her tone didn't exactly seem excited, though, so we knew something was wrong, even if we weren't in trouble. Well, when she did talk to us, she told us that two of the management positions in another banking center of ours had been eliminated, which means the two people that filled those positions were let go with no notice. They had both been there for quite awhile, but one woman had spent 43 years in this bank. Basically her whole working life was spent here, and they just let her go. Then they try to pull the wool over our eyes by saying that right now they have to make some tough decisions and that every decision is made with the benefit of the customer in mind. Well, not only do I work there, but I am a customer there, too. I don't see how sacrificing a woman's entire working career is going to help me as a customer. It's like they don't appreciate her at all, and I can't imagine how she feels if I feel this bad for her. My boss says she is not worried about our banking center because we are all part time and are not necessarily costing the bank enough money to employ that they would feel the need to eliminate any of our positions. If they can get rid of someone that put in so much more time than me without a care, though, I don't have high hopes for my future in this business. I just get so sick of them trying to cover their corrupt tails by saying it is all for the good of the customer when you know full well they are still pocketing all of their bonuses for the work they pretend to do. It's ridiculous.

So that is my day to thus point. I still don't have my tax money, which is very frustrating because my bills are already late. Big T got his refund in his bank account in nine days. It has been ten days so far for me, and tomorrow will be eleven. It better be here tomorrow, or there will be some IRS agents that will have a restraining order against me. Just get it done! ;) I hope the rest of you are having less sadness and anxiety than I am. Enjoy the up days.