Anyway, what I really want to ask is do you remember the few weeks before your wedding when you could actually count down by days without people thinking you are being completely ridiculous? Do you remember the stress? Do you remember desperately wishing you had taken what little money you had and saved it/used it to go away to Ireland (Insert your own Destination here.)? Do you remember freaking out because there was no more money left and no money coming in? Do you remember feeling like there are only 2 people in the world that care about you? Do you remember desperately missing your mother and feeling like you are just a child about to take on the world?
You don't? What's that you say? You weren't 20 years old when you got married, not even old enough to drink legally in the US? You hadn't lost your mother? You still had a steady income? What in the world is this?!
Here's my take...
I feel as though Big T and I are soul mates. We drive each other crazy. We make each other laugh. We don't mind seeing each other naked. (ha!) We support each other. I feel as though, even though we did not necessarily go about this relationship as God might have wished, we still have His blessing. He still wants for this wedding to happen. He wants us to have a family. But I truly feel as though Satan is doing everything he can to keep us from being happy. I feel that he is wants to sabotage this because if we are happy, and we are seeking God, we are ruining his plan for us. That simply won't work for him.
Well, guess what Devil...I am closer to Five than I am to 40, so here's what I have to say. "Na na na na na! You can't catch me!"
I do have to say that yesterday was one of the most stressful of all. I do have to admit that I did not take it in stride. I do have to admit that I am sick of worrying about the bills, and I have only been doing so for a month. I do have to admit that I came home after getting our marriage license, yes I said it, and collapsed on our bed and cried and cried and cried. I do have to admit that I barely even made it through filling out the application for our marriage license without having a complete break down.
I am not sad to be getting married. I'm scared. I can admit that. I'm sad that my mom is not here. I'm sad that her death anniversary, 2 years, is less than a month away. I'm sad that every day until then, I evaluate what I was doing in her final days that did not include constantly being with her. I'm sad that she didn't get to help plan any of the fun stuff along the way. I'm sad that I don't even get to hear her say, "I'm so proud of you. I love you." Or even something that would have been more befitting to her as, "I told you so," when I'm feeling totally and completely overwhelmed.
I wish I could go to her house and lay my head in her lap and pretend I was four again. I used to love to lay my head on her belly so I could hear the way her voice sounded as she talked to her friends over coffee. Your voice sounds very different when you are listening through your belly. There was something so insanely comforting about having one of her friends over on Saturday mornings for coffee, during the Saturday morning cartoons. I could watch them peacefully and here them chatting about all the stresses in their world just a room away. I didn't understand what they were talking about, but I loved to see them together. They were truly happy and relieved when they were together. I must say, I think my mom had some of the best friends ever.
A lot has been happening since I last blogged. We finally got Internet back at our house. We got a new kitten. Her name is Luna and my fiance posted a nice blog about her at his blog Outspoken85. I started eating healthier, fruits and veggies at every meal, more nuts, practically no dairy or wheat, gluten free mostly. I'll tell you more about that later. My job has been going well. I've been learning loads and loads of stuff. I've been given the role of Communications which puts me in direct contact with the patients. I'm also working on a decent amount of marketing. I honestly don't think I ever thought I would get into even the most basic form of marketing, but it's not terrible. My boss had her baby yesterday, 9lbs 9oz and healthy! Another friend of mine had a 6lb little guy with loads of hair the week before. I have been able to use my skill in crochet to make a few things for them. I held my first sale at a "flea market." My crocheting has been booming. I had a wonderful bridal shower which I fully intend to share pics from. Today I am going to have a very fun, very relaxed bachelorette party at my apartment with lots of snacks hopefully.
Oh, and did I mention I am getting married in TWO WEEKS?!
Life is busy right now. Life is stressful right now. Life is teaching me a lot right now. God is my rock, and if I would just depend on Him more, I would not feel so absolutely crazed all the time.
Please pray for a job for my fiance, a job that God wants him to have, a job that will bless us and bless others. Pray for a beautiful blessed wedding. Also, please pray that I would consistently shed myself in place of God and allow him to continue breaking down barriers and show me what he wants me to do with my life.
Thanks for listening everyone. I can't wait to get back here and give you some individual blogs about all my endeavors over the past month or so. I miss you guys!