Womanhood...Or so it seems.

Today, April 8th, 2009, I finally feel like a woman. I finally feel like I can stand on my own. I finally feel like my mom will always be near. I finally see why she was so paranoid. I finally have gained even the most minuscule amount of understanding into her world. Today, I had an epiphany, and I am confident.

My mother loved me so much, she gave me the best possible life she could give with limited resources. She shielded my heart from pain as much as she could. She taught me about right and wrong. She taught me about trust, how quickly it can vanish and how hard it is to attain, yet how important it is to have, even if only in a select few chosen people. She taught me about life.

My mother set me up to live this life I am living. God guided her in raising me. God guided her mightily. He made sure I had all the necessary tools I needed to hold true to my promise to her in the last seconds of her life. I told her I could be an adult. I told her I would be ok. I told her it was ok for her to go, so she wouldn't have to be sick anymore. She trusted me.

Not only did she trust me, she had faith in me. She knew she had given me all the tools I needed to become a young woman...I just didn't know it. I didn't trust myself.

I know my mom is dead, but she has everlasting life. I know she is no longer physically before me, but she is always close by. I know my relationship with my mother is not the same as it was before. I know it will never be the same as it was before. It is stronger now. I know my mother had a plan for me. I know my Father has plans for me. I know my mom will get to live to see those plans because my mom has everlasting life.

My mom not only trusted me and believed in me, but she left me with a wonderful big sister.

"If I was two years older, I could be Mom, and you could be me."

I may not get to have the best friend relationship with my mom that I feel I should have gotten, but I get to have the best friend relationship with my sister that many sisters never have. I will never be able to forget my mom because of my sister. I will never feel like I didn't get to know my mom because of my sister. I will never be alone...because of my sister. I will always have someone to turn to because of my sister.

Long before I was ever conceived...before my sister was ever conceived...before my mom was ever conceived, God had a plan. He saw three beautiful, strong, confident, crazy women. He saw a cycle begin. He saw wisdom. He saw caring. He saw something different. He saw my mom, my sister, and myself, and He saw our lives.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Acts 17:11

God knows my future. He has plans for me. God will guide me and my family to prosperity. God wove all of this together, and God is putting the pieces of the puzzle into place.

My mother was a beautiful woman. My sister is a beautiful woman, and I...I am becoming a beautiful woman.