Sunday, January 25, 2009


I started a blog a little while ago because I was overwhelmed with sadness and I couldn't figure out why. Big surprise, though. I just didn't want to figure out why. Then, as if God saw my sadness and wanted to give me a little push to deal with it instead of ignore it, Big T came into the living room, kissed me, and sat down next to me. He asked me what was wrong, and I started to cry. Before I go on, I need to say something because it is very important for me to say this. I used to have times like this, and I'm sure there will be more times like this where I just miss my mom. However, this time, I knew that saying I missed my mom would just be a cop out. Today, I was sad because I had been bitingly rude to Big T, and he didn't deserve it at all. I had called him on the way home from my sister's house and asked him what he was up to. He said he was going to his buddy's house, and instantly, I shut him out. Lately, all of our arguments have been about him being gone all the time. This time, though, he was just going over there because I wasn't home. Anyway, he had already told me there was a movie coming on tonight that he wanted to watch, but in my selfish (nooooo! not me! *sarcasm*) ways, I had expected him to drop his plans and watch a movie with me tonight. I completely flipped on him and started rambling on about how I was sorry I wanted to hang out with him and sorry I wanted to watch a movie with him and sorry I wanted him at home tonight and I just hoped he had fun at his buddy's house, even though he hadn't even left for his buddy's house.

Yesterday was wonderful, truly wonderful. I have come to understand that I am really sad to see this weekend end because I am afraid that yesterday was just a fleeting day in the wind. We went to Hobby Lobby, and I got $50.00 in credit. I got more yarn to make more socks and baby hats. I got a scrapbook album to scrapbook my holiday pictures in. I also got some more glass beads to make bracelets for a breast cancer research fundraiser I am participating in on Thursday this week. We spent quite a long time in Hobby Lobby, and the whole time, Big T was just walking around with me, browsing with me, talking with me, and laughing with me. He didn't complain once. When he got bored, he just wondered around a bit and found me wherever he assumed I'd be next. He just let me wonder, and when we left, I had spent more money than I intended, but I was so content. I am feeling very sentimentally attached to yesterday because it is the first time in a long time that I experienced those reasons I fell head over heels for Big T. He is observant, laid back, comfortable in his skin, funny, a wonderful listener, and my cosmic balance. I am a list maker, high strung, oblivious, self-conscious, and a jumper to conclusions. We do something special for each other.

Anyway, after that, we went to Borders, one of our local bookstores. It's part of a chain, so I'm sure others of you have heard of it. We browsed for books, and I didn't find the one I had been looking for, the one called "Love as a Way of Life." I figure I'll just order it from a neighboring town's library or borrow it from the friend that recommended it. We both found a few things we wanted to sit down with, though, and we headed to the cafe and got drinks. Big T likes to read, but he doesn't do it much at home, usually only when we go to the bookstore. I love how we can just pick to of the big comfy chairs and sit next to each other reading and sipping our drinks, though. There is something so peaceful and romantic about not having to say anything to each other. Just being close is enough to bring contentment.

On a side note, I have to tell you fellow knitter/crocheters about the book I found. It is called "Hooked on Murder," and it is a crochet mystery. There were also knitting mysteries. This book is sort of a comedic twist on a murder mystery, and though I have only read through the first chapter, it has me hooked. (haha, I did not even mean to make that pun. sorry for the hint of lameness that just showed through.) The very first page sets the murder scene, but it's not a creepy murder scene. The added bonus of crochet makes it humorous. If anyone wants to know the publisher, I will be glad to share it with you. I'm sure it will be a good read, and the best part is it was cheap. It's a paperback, (my personal favorite because you can bend the binding and really get that sophisticated reader look when your book is all tattered from how much use it got) and it was only six or seven dollars. The book also came with a free recipe for butter cream icing (it fits in the story, but to find out how, you'll just have to pick it up) and a free pattern for a granny square. It's a nice, cozy little package, if you ask me.

We also ventured to Micheal's for a knitting/crocheting accessory that I really wanted to try out. Others of you may not be insanely impressed, but because I own a cat, I think it is fantastic. It is basically a cylindrical tube with clear plastic that you stick your yarn balls in. It has a grommet hole on each end for your yarn to feed through, and your yarn ball never comes undone, rolls off the seat or your lap onto the floor of the SUV you happen to be riding in ;), or gets tangled. I am a fool for convenience when it comes to tangled yarn! After Michael's, it was off to Wal-mart for a few groceries and, you'll never guess, some knitting looms for Big T! He has made two hats of his own so far and is working on a third as we speak. He makes hints every so often that we should sell hats, but I don't care about money. I care about the people I make the hats for, and he does too. He's giving one to one of his best friends, and he helped me pick out some yarn for a mutual friend of ours that would like a hat. He even offered to make it for me if I didn't have the time. It is wonderful to have something we can do together.

We didn't watch the movie we were going to last night, either. Instead, we hung out with friends and my two brothers. I finished my blue fuzzy loom socks and gave them to Momma B's husband today. He says they look weird, but that didn't stop him from wearing them all day and making sure his daughter saw them. Momma B says he is all about comfort and function in the house, but outside of the house he is about how things look. He had to give me a hard time about them, or it wouldn't have been him. It just shows me he really likes them. :) I have already started my next pair, but I can't talk about those just yet. ;)

Anyway, I know this blog is extra long, but I really just wanted to reassure all of you that my day went so great yesterday. It's a hard thing to explain, love, but I feel warm, comfortable, intensely happy, beautiful, peaceful, and safe. There are many other things I feel, but I think that list is concise and best describes the way I feel about Big T. I am so glad to have a man that does not run scared every time I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. He didn't run after my mom died, and though Big T only got to know my mom for six months before she died, I think she knew he was the one. I think it made it easier for her to sleep at night knowing he was around, and I think it made it easier to leave this world knowing he would keep me safe. I do miss her insanely, but right now, I am most sad that I am not sitting in her terribly cluttered dining room, with our crazy, hyper lab, Chloe lying at my feet after one of her excited laps through the house, tell her face to face that I think he is the one. She's here with me now, though, and I think she knows that, too. :)

1 comment:

  1. #1, hormones may be playing a role in your extre credit freak outs this weekend! They sure have had something to do with my feelings! Damned female body! I want a man one, so I can...

    Not sure what???

    I am by no means saying that you are not really missing mom or any of that, but just remember what nastiness is lurking around the corner! It always makes me KUH RAY ZEE!

    Oh, and just by the way, I really am thinking you are a poster child for adult ADD! (Not that I am not! We are talking about you now! HA!!!)