Feeling Better

Today, I really feel good. I feel happy and excited about life. I feel like myself again. I worked out last night even though I wanted nothing more than to sit alone in my house and crochet. HA! That doesn't make me sound like a spinster or anything. Then, after I picked Big T up from his friend's house (still sharing one vehicle) he opened the floor for me to have a GIANT rant about complete and utter uneducated morons running entire companies into the ground. The details of that rant are really unimportant, but yesterday, I was feeling so angry at the world. It was exactly what I needed. It was dark in the truck, but I am pretty sure Big T was laughing at me. He just let me rant. I wasn't ranting at him or about him, so I hope he didn't take it that way. I'll have to make sure he didn't today.

Tonight, on a Friday night, being the young, hip couple we are, we are going to...........do..........LAUNDRY! haha It is an exciting life I lead. I am well aware of your jealousy, but I promise you, if you all work hard enough, you too can have this life. I know to some of you, this glamour might be a bit overwhelming at first, but I know, with a little faith, you will handle it.

Tomorrow, we are delivering all 160 hats! It is even supposed to snow here on Saturday night. How strange is that, that we have had all this nice spring weather, and here, on night of the day we deliver winter hats, it might snow again. A blessing in disguise? I think so. I have to ask that you all stand around the world and give my big sister a round of applause. Together, Big T and I only made about 35 hats. My sister single handedly made 46 or more hats! I am very impressed, and even toward the end when it started to feel like there was no end in sight, she had the patience to learn how to crochet hats! She really is something special. :)

I should also be getting the rest of my yarn in the mail for my afghan. I have 6 and 1/2 squares out of 12 done! It is so awesome, and I am learning so many stitches. Honestly, this is how I always do it. I always go big or go home. When I got my first tattoo, the only tattoo I have, I got a six inch tattoo on my back! It took four hours, and I bawled for the last two hours for emotional and physical reasons. I get bored with small things. After my first round of crocheting hats, I was inspired to start a new project. As soon as I saw this afghan, I loved it. It is modern and not old lady-ish at all! I love modern crocheting! I am truly addicted now, and there is no turning back. I can't wait to have pictures to show you all on here, but more than that, I can't wait to have it sitting on the back of my couch, a proud display of my unequivocal fearlessness of trying new things! :)

Today, I had my St. John's Wort, and 2 cups, yes, count them, 2 CUPS of coffee! I am feeling great! My buns are aching, though. That incline really worked my hips. ;o)

Something Heavenly

There is something absolutely heavenly about a cream cheese muffin and a cup of coffee. It is a special treat that God knew I needed this morning. A lady at work brought them in, and instantly, upon taking the first bite of that heavenly muffin and adding a sip of my warm coffee, a sense of calm and peace drifted over me. God knows me better than anyone else, and I am glad to call Him my friend.

A little bit of Understanding.

MckMamma says that Stellan is a miracle no matter what. Upon reading her thoughts about her beautiful little one, I did gain some understanding that I had been praying for. God has a plan. MckMamma said that she and her husband are very happy that God chose their son for his plan. That alone is an honor. She also thinks back to her time carrying Stellan inside her and how far she has come in her faith and understanding of how God works. That is another work of God. Even in all the unsteadiness she is experiencing, she continues to convince all of us that Stellan is a miracle no matter what, still convincing us that God should still be glorified in this situation.


I realize that Stellan is a miracle no matter what. He is teaching thousands about God. His story is reaching across the nation, from CA to NY. Stellan has led many to their knees, and he will lead many more to their knees. Because of MckMamma's attitude, people will not blame God whatever the outcome. They will seek the peace she exudes. People will be drawn to God through Stellan's story and his family.


MckMamma has continually tried to convince us that miracles do not always happen the way we think they will. I agree with MckMamma. No matter what the outcome, this entire situation is a miracle, drawing people like myself closer to God in hopes of understanding his plans for our own lives and gaining trust in Him.


Thank you, MckMamma for being the blessing you are. Thank you for your unwavering faith.

I don't understand.

I don't understand God's plan for little Stellan. I don't understand why this innocent baby has had to suffer for days on end. I don't understand why, when hundreds, if not thousands, of people are praying on his behalf, God has not swooped in and healed this little boy. I don't understand why there are promises of healing in the Bible, yet when I stand on them in faith that God will heal little Stellan, he just keeps getting worse.


As of two hours ago, McMamma said Stellan had just slipped into prolonged V-Tach. This is what she and many others had been praying against. It is a very deadly arrhythmia. I simply don't understand. I want to learn something out of this because I know I am supposed to, but I am honestly too frustrated. I am frustrated that it is not as simple as saying, "God, heal this baby because you promised healing." I am frustrated I cannot fix this families pain and frustrations. I am frustrated for all the questions rolling through my mind.


It is moments like this, when the cycle of life is flipped completely upside down that I begin to feel ill at ease. I mean, aren't the elderly supposed to die to make room for new life? Isn't that how the cycle is supposed to go? Then why do people still lose their babies, mothers who carried the children, nourished them before and after birth, loved them with all their life, are losing their babies. Why?


Please continue to pray for the family as you feel led, and also pray for me as I need peace and understanding.

Praying

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Between this and my rampaging hormones, all I can really say right now is to please pray for this beautiful little boy and his family. His heart is beating out of control and has been for days now. The doctors are trying many things, and his family is trusting the word of God and leaning on his promises to get them through. They trust God's will, something I am still struggling to catch onto. They are an inspiration. Even in this terrible time for them, they are still trying to bring glory to God...Amazing...Awe Inspiring...

Please click on the link above to read about little Stellan and stay updated on how he is doing. If you cannot (emotionally) or choose not to, please, still keep them in your prayers. Pray strongly. Pray vehemently. Pray trustfully. Just don't stop praying.

Thank you.

Just to let you know...

My fiance has taken to calling me the "machine" because of the way I have been pounding out hats for the last few days. I was crocheting two a day for the last two days. I did one on Wednesday night, and I'm halfway through another right now.

Academic Update

I have finally made a decision for myself.

I know this doesn't seem like a big feat, but for me, it truly is. As of earlier today, I am officially withdrawn from my classes! Part of me is excited, and part of me is very nervous. If I ever stop taking my herbal crazy pills (St. John's Wort for those of you fain to follow my blog regularly) I may be very anxious about the decision.

I am excited to have more time to devote to my crocheting and my house. I am excited to not feel the constant pressure of doing well and meeting demands. I am excited to explore the world around me, and I am most excited to continue learning about myself and my friends and family.

I'm nervous because for the last nearly two years of my life, I have identified myself as a college student, using school to validate myself, thus explaining the reason I have not felt good about myself in quite some time. I am nervous to create my own real identity instead of a generic mold of an identity. As I stated above, I am also excited about this. I am nervous about getting started on paying off my student loans, though I know they are reasonable and work with your budget.

I am excited to give my full attention to planning my wedding and a wonderful, relaxing honeymoon.

I'm nervous that I will never be able to decide what I want to do.

I'm excited to relax and do things that make me happy.

I'm nervous about what people will think. I'm nervous I will grow more distant from my friends as I embark on an even different lifestyle from them. I'm nervous I won't understand their world anymore and they may not understand mine.

I'm excited to have such wonderful, supportive friends and family around me in this time of trial and error.

Besides all of those mixed emotions, I am thrilled to be going out tonight with my sister and some of our friends! We are going to pick up the Twilight movie, and I think I might just be able to justify buying that as well as the yarn to make a very pretty crochet sampler afghan. There will be pictures to come, but tonight is going to be a wonderful time full of window shopping and what I'm sure will end up being lots of entertainment for us and those who happen to be standing too close. ;o)

Changes

Well the time has finally come that I ignore society and make a decision for myself. I know all of you read my frustrations last semester when I didn't know if I could continue with my classes. I decided to take two classes and keep trying, but I am still in the same place I was before. I am not being productive with my classes, but I am being productive with my projects. There is a whole slew of ideas as to why I am hating school right now. Let's digress.

1. I dislike all authority. I have had this issue for awhile. I want to feel like an equal, and growing up, I always wanted to feel like an equal with the adults. Therefore, I cannot stand having the teachers have authority over how I spend my time. Therefore, I rebel. I understand this is immature, but I am honestly so tired of being mature all the time. I never got to be a normal kid or teenager. I had a few rough patches in my childhood, and in my teen years, my mom got cancer. I feel as though I witnessed and went through so much more than kids my age normally go through that I always had a more progressed though process.

2. I am living an adult life. I pay my bills, have a job and an apartment, and I have all the responsibilities of an adult. I am also expected to go to college like a kid. I am supposed to be living a split life, it feels like. I am expected to be an adult and a kid, and it is very tolling on me mentally.

3. I think I resent school because my mom died in my first semester of college. I feel like it is unfair that I have to go through college without her and I always wanted to go to college to get her approval. I wanted to hear from her that I did a good job, that I was smart and pretty. I wanted her to see my accomplishments, and as much support as I have around me, I still don't have her. I feel resentful of school because I associate school with not making it in time to say goodbye to my mom. I can still hear her asking me, "Are you avoiding me?" In all truth, I was. I see that now, looking back on it. I knew she was going to die, and I couldn't handle watching it. However, I was also very busy between work and school. It was as if I moved out, got into work and school, and my life back home didn't exist anymore. I resent school because I feel like it led me to hurt her by not being around in her last days.

4. I rebel against school because it is what society expects of me. Instead of people asking me how I am, how I'm really doing, they ask questions like, "Are you still in school? Where do you want to transfer after Parkland College? What are you majoring in?" All of these questions have nothing to do with me, who I really am and how I am really feeling. They are surface questions, and I hate when people ask them because they say nothing about me. It makes me feel like that person just needs filler conversation and doesn't really care about how I am feeling or progressing in life.

5. Overall, I am just sick of doing what everyone else thinks I should be doing. I have many dreams. I would love to open a yarn shop or craft shop or even a coffee shop (! ha ha !). I would love to write editorials or opinion columns for a magazine or newspaper. I would love to interact with children, little children, play with them and teach them. I would love to teach crocheting classes. I would love to perform my own music for large crowds. I would love to live a more simple life enjoying the quiet, small moments and having something to really value at the end of my life.

6. I am stressing myself out by living a life that is not right for me right now. I know going to school is a good thing. However, I need to make that decision for myself. In high school, you are pressured to choose a school and told there is no way you can make a living without going. You are pressured to choose a major. In my case, all of my friends were going to school, and the prospect of moving out on my own and striking my own place in the world was so enticing, especially the prospect of living with my best friends. However, since then, I have found that I don't want to live with other people besides my fiance. I like that my messes are my own messes and no one is upset with me because I made a mess and left it there. When I have lived my life the way I want to for awhile, maybe then I will decide I want to go to school, that I want to go to school, not that I was expected to or pressured to. Then maybe I will get a business degree, enough to open my own shop, or an English degree to further my dreams of writing or a degree in early childhood education.

Ultimately whatever I decide needs to be my decision. That is why, I have made the decision to withdraw from my classes until I am ready to make a decision about school or another path in life. Please keep me in your prayers that God would guide me to His path, His plan for my life. This is an exciting, un-tread path for me, but I have to do it for me.

Hats, hats, and more hats!!

I follow a blog called Ant Knit, and she has made hats that she calls Jaida's hats. They are her own creation, and I made an attempt at her creation. I absolutely love these hats! I hope she doesn't mind my trying them, but they are truly a fantastic creation.

Somehow, big surprise, I managed to mess up the first one and the top is tight. On the second one, it started to grow to monster proportions, so I had to drop about four rows. It is still awesome, and I swear at some point, I may actually be able to read a pattern and create something from it. ;o)

We are also still working on our hats for charity. I'm not sure what our count is right now, but we are getting down to the wire. Between Big T and I, we have 31 hats! I am so proud. This is what 29 hats looks like, 29 because the other two are still attached to the looms. :o)

This is also what Lucy, my cat, looks like when she feels the need to follow my every move. She may miss an opportunity for some attention of she didn't trip me while walking from room to room. I mean, she would never intentionally break my neck, but I know that when her food bowl is not filled promptly the moment she can see the bottom of the bowl, she is thinking about it.

Have a great, safe day! ;o)

Help!! Honeymoon Brain Planning Melt My...

Well, I have been looking at hotel costs and packages for New York City today, and I am already overwhelmed!! Has anyone ever been to New York? I need help! Maybe New York isn't for us...ha ha

Spring Cleaning!

So, this past weekend had been very eventful for me. I got lost in a giant effing museum with my six-year-old nephew, and our bus was robbed. Nothing of mine was stolen, and I managed to see some amazing exhibits, though. The real event of the weekend was my itch for Spring Cleaning. Before I go on, I will share some photos of the museum with you, though. Giant robot spider. Kill it!!

A dead guy... I mean, an Egyptian Mummy.They had crochet hooks back then? Apparently this is a hunting tool...:o)

The ever popular Sue.

I obviously could not get by without scratching that spring cleaning itch, so I will now share with you my before and after pictures that I know have been patiently awaited by many of you. Who needs to have an entire television crew invade your household and tell you there is something wrong with you and throw out half of your things when you can do it all by yourself, with the same amount of embarrassment? Enjoy... :o)

I am finally done with the bedroom, and it definitely feels like home. You can guarantee I won't be reliving that nightmare again.I hope that this has suited your sick viewing pleasure. Creeps! ;o)

Changes

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BREONNA!

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY, WORLD!

I am sad to report that we will not be going to Ireland for our honeymoon. We simply cannot afford it, and I want to be done stressing about ways we could make it possible. Big T has suggested we just take a honeymoon in the states and save for a trip to Ireland, and I have succumbed to agreeing with him. I have not given up hope on Ireland, but I understand it is unrealistic for six months from now.

Now that we have to find another place to take a honeymoon, we have no idea where we want to go. We want to see some place we have never seen before, somewhere we will remember, somewhere we will relax and enjoy each other's company. I want to see some theater, real theater as opposed to local theater. Neither of us are interested in Hawaii or Florida. We are too pale...uh...fair skinned for that. Even with sun screen we burn, and I really don't enjoy super hot weather. I watched the movie Strangers (stupidly), so cabins, anywhere in the mountains, forest, or country are out of the question. He hasn't really expressed anything he has to see, but we have a expanse from California to New York to decide from. I think our biggest priorities are to have fun, see new things (explore new areas), and relax as well as being able to just enjoy each other's company.

Where did you all go on your honeymoons? We are a young couple looking to have an experience of a lifetime and have fun. Any suggestions?

P.S. I did some spring cleaning this weekend, and I will be posting a blog later on today with before and after pictures. Who needs a television show to come in and wipe your house clear of all the junk when you can take your own pictures and post a blog to the world about it?! ha ha

Counseling

I am still not getting the counseling that many believe I should be (ha ha), but I did go to group grief counseling last night. As I told a friend this morning, grief counseling is not exactly something you walk away from saying, "Man that was fun! I can't wait until next time." However, it is a nice thing. For a moment in time, I was allowed to not feel so absolutely insane. It was very interesting to see how everyone goes through different stages and emotions at different times and how they deal with those emotions. One thing I can say I am still eternally grateful for is my family. Some families fall apart or separate after a death, but my family has been very supportive. We are even closer now than we were before our Mom died. None of us have very dependable fathers, so we have each other and Grandma. Somehow, between just the six of us, we manage to feel very large, and I believe that is because of the love we share.

On another note, I am going to the Field Museum in Chicago tomorrow. There is going to be a huge dinosaur skeleton, and I am so excited to be going! It is going to be a fantastic day, and since we will be walking around, I won't feel so bad about not making it to the gym. I just need to remember to eat healthy for lunch and not garbage just because I am out and about. I am probably going to work on some hats, too. I will try not to take more than 3-5 yarns! ha ha I won't go crazy. It is either hats or baby boy afghan on the looms. Either way, I'll be carrying a loom!

I am going to fix my own craziness!

After what feels like numerous meltdowns recently, I have decided to try this herbal supplement. It is supposed to be something like an herbal supplement for depression medicine. I can't focus to save my life. My homework is piling up. Whenever I have spare time, the first thing I want to do is work on my crochet stuff instead of my homework, and I feel very impulsive and compulsive when it comes to what I want to do versus what I should do. Because of my lack of health insurance for the time being, I am going to give this a shot. I know others who take it and say it works wonders for them. I have tried it previously, but it says on the bottle to take it three times a day. I was only taking it once a day before.

So far today, I have been calm enough to make a "To Do..." list. On that list, I noted that I needed to pay the bills. Now, I am going to spill my guts here and possibly mortify myself, but my bills were two weeks late. Two weeks! Now, this is not so much an issue except for the fact that I actually had the money to pay them. The money was sitting in my checking account waiting to be doled out for the past two and a half weeks. However, I simply did not feel "up to" paying the bills. How ridiculous is that?! I even paid the late fees today when I managed to pay my electric bill, water bill, cable bill, shut off the cable and Internet, and transfer my car insurance to the truck that Big T and I are now sharing and also put his name on the insurance so he is covered when driving.

*Just a side note about my insurance company. My insurance agent was very sweet. Instead of giving us a new quote for insurance on the truck, she simply replaced the VIN of the car with the VIN of the truck. My rate isn't going to change at all even though they are now covering both of us and also covering an older, larger vehicle. Also, Big T has a few speeding tickets that haven't fallen off his record yet, and men are more expensive to insure. I, not being so apt to change, am very happy about this. :o)

Now, I know this could all be the placebo affect or it could be attributed to the fact that I am actually at work today instead of sitting at home, but those are all things that needed to be done for at least week or more. I have continuously put them off telling myself I would just get to it some other time, that I just couldn't do it today. I was also able to finish up the budgets for March, balance my checking account and balance my savings account this morning. I really do hope this emotional balance will stick around for awhile. Right now, I am actually feeling ready to do my homework.

P.S. To any of you other Ghost Hunter's fans out there, Ghost Hunter's International ended last week for the season, and Ghost Hunter's (the original) is premiering for a new season tonight!! You can guarantee that is enough incentive to get my class work done in time to watch it! I just can't wait. I haven't seen Jay and Grant hunt ghosts in months! Welcome back Jay and Grant. :)

Burned

Oh yeah! That's right! I burned over 300 calories today, probably over 400! The scale even reported (faultily or not) that I had lost 2.5 pounds! So the past week and a half of vigorous...OK, not so much vigorous, but toning exercises seems to be paying off. I walked 2.5 miles on the treadmill and burned 361 calories just while I was on there. I am truly thrilled about this. When I first started the gym, about a month and a week ago, I could barely get to walking three miles on the treadmill, and I certainly was nowhere near the 5% incline I was at today. I love feeling the results, being able to hold my stomach in and feel the muscles all over my body get tighter. I just keep imagining my wedding day and my honeymoon, feeling healthy and happy. From there, I imagine my life and my family, and I imagine living a long healthy life because of the choices I am making now.

Today, I spent an hour and a half on the phone with a very nice, knowledgeable man from AT&T. All I wanted to do was switch my cable and Internet company from the one I have to theirs. He was very nice, and every time there was a pause or the computer was moving slow, he asked questions about my family and such. I learned quite a lot about this man. He was born in California and moved to St. Louis when he was 11, going on 12. When they went to St. Louis, they were going so he could meet family of his, and they just ended up staying. He wishes he could travel...Ooh, he wishes he could travel. He would like to go back to California. He is about 25 or 26 years old. His name is Jamal. His mother can install her own cable and Internet and she is nearly 60. This tidbit I was informed of to reassure me that I could not mess this installation up. I shared a tidbit with him that I was sure I could mess this installation up. He too is not too impressed with St. Louis, and again, he would love to travel. :o) It wasn't necessarily a bad time on the phone, just a very long time. However, if anyone ever has to call AT&T, I highly recommend you ask for Jamal in St. Louis, as long as you have some time.

I am starting grief counseling with my sister on Thursday this week. My mom died about a year and a half ago from complications with metastatic breast cancer that spread to her liver. This whole week, though it has only technically been three days, has been a very down week. I am getting very anxious about this grief counseling because as each day passes, I am realizing just how much is still not dealt with. I don't even know if I would say it isn't dealt with. I just realize that I go a few months being very happy and content, and then there is a crash where I realize my mom is not here anymore. I never feel more alone than when I wake up in the middle of the night and realize she has been gone so long. Somehow, the dreams where she is alive and healthy seem to make it hurt worse. I was reading a book last night that explained exactly how it feels. This is an excerpt from Kate Jacob's book Friday Night Knitting Club:

"She moaned to herself as her mind raced through the last fifteen years of her life, always leaving her with the same conclusion: Stan was dead. Really gone. And she still here, alone.

Groggy, Anita remained motionless in her bed, staring at the ceiling. How many times had she had that dream? The grief seemed to cycle in endless phases; sometimes she dreamed about Stan night after night, and other times months would pass between seeing him in her sleeping hours. And then the dream would return. Always it was the same-Stan was alive!-and always the waking reality was the same: Anita was a widow.

She would see him in the living room, on the street, at a party. The sequence never altered-the shock at the sight of him, the embarrassment over her mistake-what sort of wife would believe her husband was dead when he was right there in front of her?-then the intense relief that left her wanting to fall to her knees and thank God that he was still alive.

It seemed so real. Each and every time. She felt stupid when she woke up, but everything seemed so logical in the dream. So matter-of-fact. Anita would tell Stan how she had worried, and he would laugh and call her his sweetheart and she would feel so goddamned overwhelmed that his supposed death had all been a misunderstanding. Of course it was! Everything was okay! And that meeting, the moment of talking with Stan, would be so raw and exciting and truly perfect that she would be enveloped by a happiness beyond any she had ever imagined.

The feeling was pure joy.

Just at that instant she would awaken, right when she had sorted through all the possibilities and come to the conclusion that yes, Stan was alive, and all was right again."

-Jacobs, Kate. The Friday Night Knitting Club. New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons, 2007.

Even though this character had lost her husband, I feel exactly the same way as I awake from a dream about my mom being alive and healthy. If I could just see her in Heaven, it would not hurt so badly, but I think that would ruin the concept of faith, not that I have an issue with that concept. I understand why I can't just see her in Heaven, but I will be the first to say that it sucks.

My Quirks

...Or the things that prove to you all that I am crazy.

1) I found today, that if I write my notes in cursive, I am forced to focus. I am normally a regular print writer, and if you were to witness my cursive writing, you may, like my sister, taunt me for having "chicken scratch" writing. You might also begin to realize that my onset of adult ADD or ADHD runs very deeply. ;o)

2) I lay awake at night pondering crazy things because my brain never shuts off. A few nights ago, I realized my bedroom has been a pig sty for as long as I can remember. You can never see the floor of my bedroom. Of course, I love to see it clean, and I love the ease of finding things when you don't have to dig for them. However, I began to wonder if I don't leave my bedroom an absolute pig sty as a sort of defense mechanism.

You see, I am the spawn of a very paranoid woman, and all of her paranoia is either being channeled into me, or it is slowly rearing its ugly head through my genetics. If I am ever studied, I will let you know which. However, I absolutely hate, despise, feeling vulnerable. I often have twisted day dreams of being abducted, telephone wires snapping as I walk under them, bridges collapsing as I drive under them. I know I have not yet reached full insanity yet because I am still aware that these things are not normal thoughts a normal person might have.

Back to my original thought, though, I realized that being asleep puts me in a very vulnerable state. If a robber came into my home, they could easily capture me because I sleep like a rock, when I do sleep. Therefore, if my bedroom is an absolute pig sty, the robber would either trip and die before he could get to me, or he would get grabbed by something in one of the underneath layers of clothing and what not and get pulled in, never to be seen again. In this case, having a very messy room helps me to sleep better at night. Because I like to keep the rest of my house very clean, vacuumed every two days, everything in its place and what not, a robber would never expect a dirty bedroom. They would be blindsided, and that, my friends, is the ultimate goal.

3) In this past week, I have not been able to take a shower without wondering if my recently passed neighbor is floating around peeping at me. This is not in any disrespect at all. I am still deeply disturbed by his death, but I cannot get that thought out of my mind every time I step into the shower. Before passed, I had always imagined Death sneaking into my shower when my eyes were closed during my regular shampoo. I rarely close my eyes in the shower any more...

4) I am very afraid of the dark. Not so much the dark itself as the possibility of finding something staring back at me in the dark. Once the lights are off, my eyes stay closed. I am terrified that if I look into the darkness, I will see someone or something staring back at me, and my poor, unstable mind simply cannot handle a scare of that sort.

5) You will never find me visiting a bog or swamp. They are utterly creepy. All I can imagine is dead people slowly, creepily, crawling up out of them to get me and pull me under with them. I will just steer clear of water I cannot see through. Plus, those white trees that jut up out of the unclear, dead people water remind me of death. They are eerie to look at, so I don't like those either.

6) Many of these fears are the reason I refuse to watch scary movies. Whether or not a scary movie is realistic, I will have it set in my mind that it can and will happen to me. I finally realized this little issue around the age of 13 or 14, and that is when I decided it was safer for my sanity to watch happy things.

Last night, I absolutely could not sleep at all. I felt the overwhelming need to tell all of my fellow bloggers and subsequently the world of my quirks. I just felt as though you all deserved to understand what you might be getting yourself into before you actually, truly decided to follow a crazy woman's blog. I hope my mother is satisfied with what she has past on to future generations. I know she finds it absolutely hilarious, and I can guarantee you, if I ever dare to look into the darkness, she will be the one jumping out and staring back at me...

Broken Humor Spot

Well, every time I sit down and think of blogging, I end up going to another website. My brain has been broken for a few days now, and I am forcing myself to somewhat remedy this issue now, before it gets out of control. So, here it goes...

A young man, around 30 years-old, died in my building the other day. He was epileptic, but I really don't know if that has anything to do with his death. His father found him dead in his apartment on Friday morning. When I went home for my lunch break at 11:30 am on Friday morning, I pulled my fiance's truck into our parking lot while on the phone with my big sister. I was shocked to see a police car parked by the dumpster, and two ambulances taking up my half of the parking lot. I parked on the other side, but as I was pulling in, the four EMTs and the police officer just looked at me. They stopped talking momentarily and just stared at me. I felt weird just from the way they looked at me, but I parked the truck and got out. I walked past the EMTs and no one said a word to me. I got to the door, and a man in farm clothes was standing in the doorway with my elderly neighbor. I didn't recognize him, and they just stood in the doorway. The whole time, I never got off my phone, and I surely never asked what was going on. I just assumed if they didn't feel the need to prevent me from walking through the scene, it couldn't have been too big a deal.

It was obviously a big deal. I found out later that man standing in the doorway was the young man's father. I will never forget the way he looked at me when I said, "Excuse me." I didn't say it rudely, but in his state, I think he was shocked that I was walking anywhere near him. Again, no one felt any need to warn me about what I was walking into.

I was only home about half an hour, making sandwiches for my fiance and myself, before I left to have lunch with my fiance. When I was walking out the door, the EMTs were walking into this young man's apartment. They didn't have a stretcher; they only had small metal suitcases. I knew the young man was epileptic, and since no one seemed to be in any hurry, I just assumed he had a seizure and they were making sure he was stable again.

I went back to work after lunch and hadn't heard any different than what I had assumed until just as we were locking the doors at my job. My sister had tried to call me, but we weren't officially closed yet. I didn't answer, so she sent me a text message so I at least was aware of what was happening before I went back home. I swear the wind leaped out of my lungs. In a moment, I felt so much shock. After I caught my breath, I called my fiance to explain the situation. All he had known was what I told him over our lunch break, and he told me he had just talked to the young man the night before for about half an hour.

When I arrived back home that evening, I just started bawling. I could hardly walk through the door without being overwhelmed with the feeling that I wanted to vomit. I just couldn't handle the fact that he had died in what felt like was right under my nose. I hated that I couldn't have changed it, and I hated that he was dying in their alone as I was walking in and out the door. I still hate it, but I have had a few days to process. I had a low key weekend, which was really good. I just wasn't sure how to blog because I wasn't emotionally ready to blog about happy, funny things.

Ever since my mom died a little over a year and a half ago, my perspective on death has changed. I deal with different situations differently, but it seems as though death affects me very deeply now, no matter what situation. My heart just cries out for the families that have to deal with the death because I know how awful I felt, and sometimes still feel, after my mom died. I miss her terribly, and I hate that other families have to deal with that kind of pain.

In a few days or so, when I get some more time, I will post something more light hearted about my weekend. It was my fiance's and my two year anniversary today, and we had a wonderful peaceful time yesterday doing absolutely nothing of great significance. :0) I have also been continually planning our Ireland honeymoon, and I am finally ready to get a running budget. We are getting our passport info turned in tomorrow, and I think this is all really going to be happening. It is truly the most exciting roller coaster I have ever been on.

Books and Receptions

I just finished this book last night, and I have to say, for a first time writer, she was very good. At first, I bought the book because it was funny. A crochet-related murder mystery? How fantastic! It did turn out to be fantastic, too. This author spun a web of people that all could benefit from the victim's death. I have a very good knack for predicting books and movies, but I do have to say that I didn't have this one figured out until right before the main character figured it out. There were a few editorial mistakes throughout the book, that of course I had to pick up on, but overall, it was a fun, enjoyable, easy read. It was not gory, but it definitely had the air of mystery. Not to mention, it came with a free granny square washcloth pattern as well as a recipe for made from scratch bunt cake and butter cream icing! I can't wait to try all three out. The book was also relatively cheap because it is paper back and because she is a newer author.

Onto more wedding news, I cannot use the original location I had hoped to use for my reception. Being the control freak I am, it sent me into a momentary relapse of panic mode. However, I am beyond that now. I am still aggravated because I just want to set my date and move on with other planning. The church is set, but I can't move on with buying decorations or basically anything I need to do until I know where the reception will be, what size it will be, and what I need to supply. I hate waiting to have this stuff figured out!

As far as my actual reception is concerned, I want to have one, obviously. I want there to be a bar, but it won't be an open bar. I feel like people should have the opportunity to buy their own drinks if they don't want the soda that I supply. I also don't want to have to supply enough soda for lots of people to drink in a few hours. I want people to be able to bring their children if they choose. I want a traditional "first dance," and I want my big brother to sing for our first dance. I have already asked him to sing the song "Forever and Ever, Amen" as Randy Travis sang it. I heard that song when I was very little, and I always knew that I would play that song at my wedding for my first dance. I also want the cheesy dollar dance because I want to be able to interact with the people that choose to come to my reception. I want to decorate tables with a floating candle centerpiece and leaves. I want to have a fall theme, and I want it to be beautiful on a budget.

I don't want to just have cake after my wedding at the church. The ceremony itself is only about twenty minutes, and if we just had cake afterwards, it would be about forty minutes and be over. I just can't handle that idea. I want a celebration. I want to remember my wedding night for how fun and beautiful it was, not something that was just cheap and easy.

Anyway, if you have any suggestions or advice, I would love to read them. Thanks!

Broke Down

Well, it is a darn good thing I had learned how to make those lattes at home. I officially can't afford anything. Why? You ask. I believe my car is officially broken down. Somewhere between the ten miles from my job, the oil change yesterday, and the ten miles back to my job, my car decided it had had enough. Here is the breakdown of my evening.

I walk out of my job, sit in my car. I dump out my leftover coffee on the black top. I check my text messages, and I turn my car on. It sounds alright, still recovering from the ticking lifters in the engine. It was desperate for an oil change. Big T had just returned it to my job after changing the oil and successfully driving it the ten miles back to town. He, of course, had no problems with it.

I put my car in reverse, and all is well. I took my foot off the brake, and my car didn't move at all. Normally, it would start to scoot a little on its own before I pressed the gas. It didn't, so I pressed the gas and it scooted just the littlest bit. However, it made this awful, terrible scraping noise. My first reaction was that it was caught on the cement block in front of it, like when you drive into a parking spot and get too close to the cement stopper. Well, it wasn't that. It proceeded to loudly scream at me, with that awful grinding scraping noise, so I quickly put my foot back on the brake and shoved it into park. After my heart slowed a little, I tried reverse again, and this time, the grinding, scraping was immediate.

I called Big T to come check it out, and he honestly asked me if I could just drive it home!! Explain to me what happens in a man's head when you tell them you cannot even move the car and they want to know if you can at least drive it home so, God forbid, they wouldn't have to get out of the house and away from the stupid video game and his buddy to help his soon to be WIFE!! So, you can guarantee he got to be on the $h*t list for the rest of the night. Plus, I had to blame someone for my bad luck, so he got that, too.

We figured out that we could put the car in neutral and push it backwards. It would also go into drive with no grinding issues. So, I slowly drove out of the parking lot of my job and onto the road. I eased up to about 20 miles an hour, and it starts to rapidly tick, as if the oil had never been changed. Then, it makes another loud, awful, indescribable noise and yet another in succession, and I swear I heard all the fluids drain out of my car. It was just a sloshing liquid sound and some more grinding. From there, I proceeded to throw my hands up in the air, put the car in park, turn on my hazard lights, all in the middle of the road. Of course, people proceed to drive around me as if I had completely inconvenienced their day. For crying out loud! I am so sorry to have ruined your day by requiring you to pay an iota of attention to the the damned road and drive your a$$ around me!

From there, we pushed the car into a nearby parking lot, about forty feet from my job and leave it there. I went home, changed my clothes, and had about 10 minutes before I was supposed to be heading off to my Girl's Night Out.

By the time I arrive to my GNO, I just start bawling and explaining that my car is done. I was ridiculously emotional about it, but let me explain why.

1) This is my very first car that I paid for all by myself while I was still in high school.

2) This car belonged to my mom before it belonged to me. Now that she is gone, I had this disillusion that my car would last forever.

3) I am trying, as you all may have read, to plan a freaking low budget wedding.

4) I have been trying my hardest to plan a dream honeymoon for us, also on a freaking low budget.

We have half of the money we need saved for the wedding. We are taking a loan out to pay for the honeymoon, and we have one vehicle, a 1989 Ford truck, now between the two of us. We are already trying to find ways to scrimp and cut things out so we can save more money for our wedding and honeymoon, so there is no way we can afford another car until maybe, MAYBE, January of next year. That means that Big T and I have to share that run down truck until next year!

I know I am being awfully pessimistic, but besides the fact that that is how I am, I had this feeling of doom for the past two weeks that my car was going to crap out right now, just when we absolutely could not handle another expense. Somehow, my intuition was screaming at me that this would happen. I called my mechanic this morning. I explained all of the noises and actions of my car to him, and he said it sounds like a problem with the transmission. I told him I agreed, and I let him know that if my transmission is shot, I will be junking the car. It is a 1994 Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra, and it has 165,000 miles on it. I am lucky it lasted this long. However, it is obviously not worth the amount of money it would take to fix the transmission. My alternator has been on the brink of going out for the past two years as well, so I do believe it is just time to say goodbye, though I am not at all ready for that.

Last night, all I wanted was to call my mom and tell her how upset and frustrated I was. I wanted nothing more than to hear her give me crap about how old the car is and how I had to have done something to it to make it crap out. Ignore the fact that it is old. She would have said everything I didn't want to hear and completely grated on my nerves, and yet I wanted that, only that. I ended up sobbing myself to sleep last night, feeling the utter despair, once again, at the fact that my mom would never be here for me to call again, never be here to grate at my nerves and never be able to tell me, "I told you so." She can't be here to tell me how ridiculous it is that I am trying to get married so young or tell me to suck my belly in when I am trying on wedding dresses. She can't criticize my plans and make me crazy, and she can't come to my bachelorette party and have everyone rolling on the floor in hysterics.

I know, and I have heard it a million times. I am not trying to be mean, but please don't leave me a comment explaining to me that my mom is here in spirit. I don't want to hear it right now. Her spirit can not do all those things she did when she was alive. Most of all, her spirit can not scoop me up in the best hug ever, and her spirit can not give me her shoulder to cry on. So, please, spare me the bit about her being in a better place and the business about her always being in my heart. Right now, it is just not good enough.

Homemade Cinnamon Latte

I was getting bored sitting here at home, and normally when that happens, I Google. It is a terrible habit, I know. ;-) Anyway, I did find a recipe, and it turned out fantastic. I even used skim milk. It is amazing. I just saved myself four dollars and a load of extra fat! It is even frothy and wonderful!

If you are interested, here is the recipe:

Materials: 1/2 cup of strong coffee*

1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

1 1/2 tsp sugar**

1 1/3 cups of 1% lowfat milk

Instructions:1.Warm milk to near boiling in the microwave. In my microwave, this was about 2.5-3 minutes.

2. *To make strong coffee, I used 2 tablespoons of coffee per 6oz of water instead of 1 tablespoon. Adjust strength as desired.

3. Mix milk, coffee, cinnamon and sugar in a blender and blend for 30 seconds. This creates the foam. If you do not prefer foam, you could combine the milk, coffee, cinnamon and sugar in a 12-16 oz cup and stir.

**Instead of 1 1/2 tsp of sugar, I used three packets of Splenda. It came out to a little less than a tsp, but it is still plenty sweet.

If anyone tries it, I hope you love it as much as I do. If you would like to try a vanilla latte, replace the ground cinnamon with one tsp of vanilla extract. Enjoy!

Question

Ok, one of my contacts was able to give me a suggestion, and I need all of your help. She asked if I had ever heard of honeymoon registries instead of gift registries. I have never heard of this, but it sounds like an ok idea. See, Big T and I already live together and have lived together for the past year and a half. We have all the necessities, and while it would be nice to have shiny new appliances or a set of china that we may never use, or have a place to store for that matter, we would prefer to take our once in a lifetime trip to Ireland. Is that selfish? Would people really pay for a honeymoon registry? I don't want to give the impression that I just want people to give me money. However, I know that people want to get gifts for weddings, and if they are going to spend the money, it should go to something the newlyweds are really going to enjoy and use, right?

I don't know whether to feel guilty about this or if it is really a better option for us. Please give me your opinions. Is this selfish to ask? Thanks!

Let Down...

Well, Big T called the bank today to give them the exact amount we needed for our trip, and they said they could only give him half of that. I am really upset right now. I feel like the air was let out of me, and I want to melt into the floor. I won't, though. I e-mailed my contacts that were helping me plan the trip, and I am going to see if we can cut the trip in half and go for one week. I don't know if it is even going to be possible, but I am still holding onto some hope.

I'm going to take a shower to distract myself. Otherwise I will keep pressing the refresh button on my e-mail page every three seconds, as if my contacts don't have their own lives. I just hate feeling so deflated. I'll let you all know how this progresses.

Sleepy

I think I will welcome a few days off of work this week. I have had a much busier weekend than I have been used to in awhile. I went to southern Illinois on Saturday to visit my older brother. The trip was about a ten hour trip there and back, and we woke up at 4 am! Let me just say I was suffering a lot that day. I didn't get crap for sleep because I have yet another disorder. Whenever I know I have to get up really early, I get to anxious to sleep the night before. I am afraid I won't wake up, even though there are other people to wake me up, and I'm afraid of being an inconvenience to other people. Besides that, I was freezing in my sister's Tundra she calls a house. ;) I was suffering from being a woman. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I felt the cramping, and sure enough, I had to get up around 1:30 in the morning. Mind you, I had only just fallen asleep around 11 or 12 pm. Sometime after that, the dogs barked really loudly and woke me up, and after that, my alarm woke me up. I have never seen myself look more hellish. My hair was a matted mess and my eyes were absolutely blood shot. Not only did I get no sleep and have major hormone issues, but I suffer from car sickness! I tried to drink some Chi tea, but only got a few sips of it down. I had to keep turning the vent down to the cold setting, and when I tried to eat a few bites of my apple, my stomach literally churned and my mouth watered for a good thirty seconds. I really hate getting up early and being in a car. I don't even enjoy driving, but being a passenger is much worse. However, all complaints aside, seeing my brother's eyes light up at seeing my sister, her husband and I made the entire gross trip so worth it. I should have taped a MasterCard commercial, though. It might have gone something like this:

1. Early morning Chi tea and an apple: $6.00
2. Half the world's population of yarn and a few good books to keep you distracted: $70.00
3. Stopping to clean the car after you ralphed up your apple and Chi tea because you tried to use the yarn to distract yourself and got car sick: $20.00
4. The look on your brother's face as he sees you arrive with blood shot eyes, a pale, sullen face, and the aroma of misery: PRICELESS

Ok, ok. So I know it is a little wordy and dramatic, but the people live for drama.

Today, I went to Big T's parents' house for the first time since Christmas. No, they don't live miles away. No, I don't dislike them. No, they are not busy bees that are never home. Yes, I am a major slacker that has some serious selfish tendencies. :) His parents live about ten miles from us and stay home a lot. They are great people, and his mom is going to be the best mother-in-law. She is super understanding, loving, easy to talk to, and a wonderful, wise companion. His dad has lots of quirky stories about fixing engines and such, and I have to say that I love them. Oh, and I forgot to mention that his mom is probably the best baker I have ever met. I gave up chocolate for Lent (ironically I almost typed I gave up Lent for chocolate...subconscious?!). It has been slowly driving me mad, but the belief of my church is that Sundays are a celebration of Jesus dying for us and His Resurrection. So, today I was allowed chocolate, and she made some fantastic, made from scratch peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I only ate two, but her cookies are always about the size of my hand, so we're talking probably four or five normal sized cookies. Whatever! Get off my back. I already told you I was suffering from being a woman!

Anyway, I decided to make my brides maids' gifts, and I worked on that while at their house. My first project is turning out so adorable, but I am afraid it will be a few months before I can show pictures. My sister already knows what I am making, but she doesn't know what hers looks like, so I am trying realllllly hard to keep that a surprise. I shouldn't have done hers first! I just finished an exam, too. I will most likely get an 84% on it, which is a B. It's not bad, but it could have easily been an A. It is much better than my previous semester's work, though, so I am making some progress.

I am off to bed, now. I have been feeling like I have an ulcer since Friday, and I haven't even been eating food that was bad for me or drinking soda. It must be chocolate withdrawals. Dumb...;-) Have a wonderful rest, all of you!