A young man, around 30 years-old, died in my building the other day. He was epileptic, but I really don't know if that has anything to do with his death. His father found him dead in his apartment on Friday morning. When I went home for my lunch break at 11:30 am on Friday morning, I pulled my fiance's truck into our parking lot while on the phone with my big sister. I was shocked to see a police car parked by the dumpster, and two ambulances taking up my half of the parking lot. I parked on the other side, but as I was pulling in, the four EMTs and the police officer just looked at me. They stopped talking momentarily and just stared at me. I felt weird just from the way they looked at me, but I parked the truck and got out. I walked past the EMTs and no one said a word to me. I got to the door, and a man in farm clothes was standing in the doorway with my elderly neighbor. I didn't recognize him, and they just stood in the doorway. The whole time, I never got off my phone, and I surely never asked what was going on. I just assumed if they didn't feel the need to prevent me from walking through the scene, it couldn't have been too big a deal.
It was obviously a big deal. I found out later that man standing in the doorway was the young man's father. I will never forget the way he looked at me when I said, "Excuse me." I didn't say it rudely, but in his state, I think he was shocked that I was walking anywhere near him. Again, no one felt any need to warn me about what I was walking into.
I was only home about half an hour, making sandwiches for my fiance and myself, before I left to have lunch with my fiance. When I was walking out the door, the EMTs were walking into this young man's apartment. They didn't have a stretcher; they only had small metal suitcases. I knew the young man was epileptic, and since no one seemed to be in any hurry, I just assumed he had a seizure and they were making sure he was stable again.
I went back to work after lunch and hadn't heard any different than what I had assumed until just as we were locking the doors at my job. My sister had tried to call me, but we weren't officially closed yet. I didn't answer, so she sent me a text message so I at least was aware of what was happening before I went back home. I swear the wind leaped out of my lungs. In a moment, I felt so much shock. After I caught my breath, I called my fiance to explain the situation. All he had known was what I told him over our lunch break, and he told me he had just talked to the young man the night before for about half an hour.
When I arrived back home that evening, I just started bawling. I could hardly walk through the door without being overwhelmed with the feeling that I wanted to vomit. I just couldn't handle the fact that he had died in what felt like was right under my nose. I hated that I couldn't have changed it, and I hated that he was dying in their alone as I was walking in and out the door. I still hate it, but I have had a few days to process. I had a low key weekend, which was really good. I just wasn't sure how to blog because I wasn't emotionally ready to blog about happy, funny things.
Ever since my mom died a little over a year and a half ago, my perspective on death has changed. I deal with different situations differently, but it seems as though death affects me very deeply now, no matter what situation. My heart just cries out for the families that have to deal with the death because I know how awful I felt, and sometimes still feel, after my mom died. I miss her terribly, and I hate that other families have to deal with that kind of pain.
In a few days or so, when I get some more time, I will post something more light hearted about my weekend. It was my fiance's and my two year anniversary today, and we had a wonderful peaceful time yesterday doing absolutely nothing of great significance. :0) I have also been continually planning our Ireland honeymoon, and I am finally ready to get a running budget. We are getting our passport info turned in tomorrow, and I think this is all really going to be happening. It is truly the most exciting roller coaster I have ever been on.